Sena's DW :: Watermelon Life

I have a headache, and my brain hurts, even though I know that's impossible because your brain doesn't have pain receptors. Technically, it CAN'T hurt. But right now mine DOES and when it does this there's nothing I can do about it, painkillers don't do anything, because it's a phantom pain, like a phantom itch or phantom limb syndrome. It's one of my unique set of ADHD symptoms, and when I first went on the meds it went away, but now that the dosage is off it's come back. I just have a constant, throbbing brainache. (I'm coining that as a word, btw.)

Yesterday was my day to cook so I made chili, which I normally love, but nowadays I have to make it bland enough that Mom and Lee can eat it, so basically with no spice at all, so it barely even tastes like chili. I miss being able to cook for MY tastes and MY likes and dislikes. I miss having my own place with privacy where the TV isn't always on shitty NCIS or W Network 24/7, where people don't grumble about me behind my back (and sometimes to my face) because I've long ago worn out my welcome. Where I'm not terrified of what's going to happen to my belongings in a year because my Aunt and Uncle threw a contract at me at the last second without even discussing it with me first and I can't afford the transport/storage fees for it. I miss feeling safe and secure in my own home.

When I first moved in here, I wasn't CAPABLE of living on my own because Grandma left me in such bad shape. I needed other people around, and so it was good to be living with Mom and Lee, at least for the time being, but it was supposed to be a TEMPORARY situation. Now it's been 7 years and I'm still stuck here because the housing market is out of control (because of the College and University, mostly), and the affordable housing people are obviously in no hurry to get me into a place despite me being on the list for almost a decade. Meanwhile, Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec are threatening to throw out all my stuff AT MY EXPENSE if I don't get it out of there by next spring (2026.)

And it's like... I don't understand why they're being this way. They told me they would store my things, just not in the basement because the basement needs HEAVY construction. They NEVER said to me that there would be a timeline on this. They know my circumstances. They're like "you're on the subsidized housing list you should get a place before then" and it's like TRY TELLING THAT TO THE YEARS I'VE ALREADY BEEN ON THE LIST, YOU ASSHOLES. IT COULD BE ANOTHER TEN YEARS BEFORE I GET A PLACE. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SUBSIDIZED HOUSING WORKS (OR DOESN'T WORK AS THE CASE MAY BE.) And if I don't get a place by next spring they're just going to pitch all of my stuff, my books, my collectibles, my kitchen, my furniture, EVERYTHING, in the dump and then CHARGE ME $100/LOAD TO DO IT.

So, I have to somehow come up with the $1200-$1500 for movers to move it all from Baysville to Orillia, and then $300/month from that point onward for a storage unit because they're being utter DICKS about this. They aren't even USING the shed my belongings are going to be stored in. They built it SPECIFICALLY TO STORE MY STUFF, and then said "cool, we'll have a shed to use for our purposes afterward." Christ, they have TWO garages and TWO sheds on the property already that they can use in the meantime!

I just. I don't get it. We're FAMILY. Family helps each other out, they don't dick each other around like this. If our positions were reversed I would never even IMAGINE doing something like this to them. And I keep thinking "I should tell Grandma about this" because she's the MATRIARCH, she's IN CHARGE, but soon she won't be anymore, they're taking her power of attorney away from her (rightfully so), and she ALREADY thinks Aunt Brenda is up to something "nefarious" so that would just cement the idea even more firmly in her head, even though in this case it's fucking TRUE. And if I was to go behind everyone's back and tell Grandma anyway, she would start yelling about it (GOOD) but then I would get in trouble for putting ideas in her head. So it's just like... the only person who could really help me with this at all has dementia and would probably just make things worse, instead.

Our family...

We used to be close, like REALLY close, ride or die type of thing, but ever since Grandpa died twenty years ago it's been slowly going downhill. Trunks hasn't come to Family Christmas in years, and neither had Darius or Killian. Alex stopped about eight years ago, too. The last two years CLARE hasn't even come. This year at Family Christmas, Aunt Brenda said "and hopefully we won't have to do this again next year!" meaning the whole gathering, because Grandma probably won't be around anymore and without her why bother? And that just... it killed me, because I thought our bonds were stronger than that, but apparently I was wrong. Then again, I should have known that from how she and Uncle Alec are treating me right now, so. Yeah.

I guess I've just gotten to the point in my life when my family is getting older and moving on with theirs, and most people would fall back on their friends when it came down to it, but... I don't really have any. So when my family pulls away it leaves me absolutely bereft, basically. I have no one. I still talk to Sethi and Cassandra-san a bit, but that's about it. It sucks. Ten years ago I had a whole social network, but now...

I have this ring, it's just a simple base metal band that says "I am enough" on it. I bought it for myself, which is kind of sad. I wear it every day, to try remind myself that I'm not completely useless. Not a total waste of space. Even on the good days it doesn't help much, and on bad days it doesn't help at all, but it's a little thing to try to bring myself up. Sometimes just looking at it makes me cry, though, because I feel like such a failure in every possible regard.

I haven't had good self esteem since a very brief period during high school. My life has been one colossal fuck up after another, some of them my fault and others beyond my control. The only good thing about me is my creativity and even that I haven't managed to do anything with because of health problems. I feel like... a burden on my family and the one or two friends I have left in this world. I can't even live on my own because I can't work because of all my fucked up health conditions, so I'm pressing on my parents by living with them, and I know after like six years... I know I've worn out my welcome. Not just with Lee, but with Mom, too, even though they haven't said as much. I can tell.

I just wish I'd been born with good health. I feel like that would have made a huge difference in my life. But I was dealt the shitty cards in that regard, and I just have to live with it, which sucks. I'm a good person. I'm kind. I'm generous. I'm creative. I didn't deserve everything life has thrown at me, right since Day 1. And now the NAFLD thing on top of everything else... I just don't know.

I think some of this is coming from the fact my ADHD meds have stopped working and my brain is a mess right now. Then again, it's always a mess.

tldr; everything sucks.

Well, the axolotl guy I emailed never emailed me back. This is like the fourth time this has happened idk why people don't want to sell me their axolotls, but like?? Anyway, I've found ANOTHER person so hopefully THEY'LL get back to me? idk I'm not getting my hopes up anymore. I just don't want to have to buy it from a pet store they're SO EXPENSIVE from pet stores. :(

I wrote like 2,000+ words on Storm Season today, which is good. I'm at around 40,000 words now so only 30,000 more to go! :D *FACEPALM* I can't even do small projects can I? No, it's always 167 pages this and 167 pages that. (I'm aiming for 150 pages for Storm Season, so slightly shorter than Horror High, maybe only 9 chapters instead of 10.)

But like even the HH and SS ONE-SHOTS are 30 pages a piece, come on!

.....

I finally emptied the For Poe box that's been sitting on the desk in Jessie's room for... MONTHS now. Most of it just went into the For Christmas bin, but a couple of things came out entirely. I'm hoping to send them a small parcel around Birthmas time with a couple of things in it. A book, some pins, a mug, a small plushie. Things I really want them to have, even if we aren't in contact much (or at all) anymore. Things I bought for them.

It's funny because sometimes I feel really depressed over the whole Poe thing and then sometimes I just feel numb. Today is a numb day. I miss talking to them and laughing with them, and being able to comfort them during the bad times. I wish I could still do that for them, though I don't know how much use I actually was it it, to be honest. I did try, though.

I just miss my best friend, but I keep trying to tell myself, I broke off our friendship FOR THEM, so I need to be strong about it, no matter how hard it is on ME. (But I think a little part of myself was hoping they would email me back and say "no, we should still be friends!" so it hurts that they think so little of me.)

.....

Last night I watched Deadpool And Wolverine again, and I enjoyed it just as much the second time around. Thanks DAW for giving us a Chris Evans cameo, and a Wesley Snipes cameo, and a GOOD DAMBIT. And also the fight music was all absurd and inappropriate but somehow WORKED REALLY WELL ANYWAY, I don't know how they did that??

Dad hasn't watched it yet, he's waiting for it to come out on DVD (October 22nd!) so I don't have anyone to talk about it with until then and it's KILLING ME because it was SO GOOD and Dad is going to DIE LAUGHING, I just know it. XD

So I did the math and to reach 50,000 words in 30 days I'll have to write 1,666 words a day (approximately, because it goes on to .666666666 etc.) And there's approximately 250-->300 words (12pt Arial font) per page, which means I need to write 6.6 PAGES a day (again, approximately, it peters into a million sixes again.) I am attempting to write 200 pages in 30 days which is WAY more than I've ever written in that amount of time before. Even Horror High was only 167 pages and it took me 6 weeks. But it was 70,659 words so. There's that.

I don't know, I guess knowing the numbers and having a goal for each day helps. Say I round it up to 7 pages a day, that sounds like nothing but it's actually a lot of writing, I need to really psych myself up for it. Good thing I still have a month to go. :| lol.

I went at this morning and updated my NaNo profile and projects, got rid of the old ones that never went anywhere and deleted the old TKA, started a new one for this year's NaNo, so the start date on it is November 1st. Also changed out my header image and icon because they were My Zombie related and I'm not doing My Zombie right now. Hopefully soon-ish though. I still need to write out all my plotline jot notes for MZ, though I have REAMS of background info and character info already written out. (I need to edit that at bit, too, though.)

This morning, being Thursday, was Horror High et al Day, so I posted Counting Scars at an ungodly hour this morning and it's already got 70 hits, 1 bookmark and 6 kudos, but no comments so far. We'll see how it goes. It's probably not healthy to obsess over the numbers for my fics like I do, but I can't seem to help it, and right now it gives me something to focus on besides the CRUSHING DEPRESSION.

I'm 87 pages into Storm Season, which means I've really slowed down the last week or so, and I haven't been working on anything else the last couple days, either, aside from joy notes for Serial Spirits and The Rabid. Being depressed really saps by creativity in a huge way and I'm just like... I dunno. I CARE, but at the same time I DON'T CARE, you know? I guess that's the nature of depression. At least I'm not trying to off myself this time, so that's a plus.

I think I'm going to stop posting my photoblogging to my blog, the image hosting site I've been using has suddenly stopped working and I get the feeling it's a "you've posted __# of pics with us, now you have to pay" sort of situation. Even if it's not and they're just glitchy as hell it's no good. Either way I have nowhere to host my photos for my DW, so I'm going to just stick with Insta and FB for my photoblogging and keep it at that. I'll go back and delete all my photoblogging posts in my DW later, all the photo links for them are broken now anyway.

Yesterday I finally dug out a USB stick and backed up my writing folder and a couple other things onto it. My writing folder alone had 450+ items in it. I'm rather prolific. With the IDEAS, anyway, if not actually getting them written. Though that's much better since the ADHD meds, of course.

I think the ADHD meds aren't as effective with me now as they were to begin with, though. They aren't having the same effect, and I need to talk to my Doctor about possibly upping the dosage. Apparently I'm currently on the lowest possible dosage for them, so there's room to bump me up if needed. I'll ask her about that at my next appointment, I guess. It's in the beginning of November.

Yesterday Mom and I (mostly Mom) got a hook put up in my ceiling by the window (on the other side, opposite Peter), so I could hang my macrame double-plant hanger, and now Bella and Charlie are in it. They look really good, but we'll see how well they do in that particular spot. Bella was already starting to lose a leaf, so I fully expect that to continue to die off, but if CHARLIE starts to go downhill I am yoinking her out of there and back to her previous place on the shelves in the dining room SO FAST. Alpine can go in the hangar instead, or something. I do NOT want to lose Charlie.

I'm craving a popsicle but we're all out. I put them on the grocery list but I'll probably have to pay for them myself, even though Mom and Lee (especially Lee) will eat them too. They have really arbitrary rules over what I do and don't have to pay for when it comes to food. Like snacks and pop I pay for and I get that, but canned chili I don't have to pay for because it's "real food" while canned ravioli I DO have to pay for? Because I guess it's NOT "real food"? It makes no Goddamn sense. And then they wonder why I get frustrated over them nickel-and-diming me. Like I pay room and board here, that's supposed to cover my food, too. :/

I'm currently in this weird head space where there are lots of things I WANT to do and lots of things I WANT to work on, but I just can't get up the energy to actually DO them. Like I have the urges, but then in the end I just don't care. I want to work on Wiggly Foxes, for example, but when I start thinking about actually getting out the paints and brushes and WORKING ON THEM I just go... meh. Again with the depression, I guess.

But I've decided that I'm going to repaint 3 out of 4 of my orange-and-grey Wiggly Foxes. One is still going to have grey tips, but I'm going to paint the other three pink, red, and maybe blue? Just because they came with grey tips doesn't mean I can't paint over them, right? And I still need to finish my Rainbow Dash fox and my Starry Void fox, but those two remind me of Poe for obvious reasons so I'm just... not. Right now. I'll get to them at some point.

Still no word from Poe. I was really hoping they would be mature enough to handle this like an adult, but they're just ghosting me the same as last time. And that hurts, but... compared to this past winter it's practically nothing. I just keep hoping I'll wake up to an email from them and every morning it's just disappointment. I think they just can't deal with things like this and their instinctive reaction is to hide. I feel terrible thinking I caused them distress, and I wish we could talk it out and come to an amiable conclusion, but I guess that's not going to be the case.

I'm still planning on mailing them the things I promised them, anyway. The Loops, etc, in the middle of October, and their werewolf plush whenever it arrives, probably December or January some time. That's assuming they're still at the same address. I guess if I mail the Loops and they just bounce back to me, I'll know, since Poe won't reply to let me know about their address situation right now.

I have edited the Horror High one-shots like six times now and every time I think they're good and I print them and put them in the binder and then I look at them again and find more mistakes or things I want to change and end up editing them again and printing them again and I am going through SO MUCH paper and ink doing this I just. I need to stop. To that end, I edited them again yesterday and printed them (again) and put them in the binder and I have decided I am DONE. THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE, FOR BETTER OR WORSE.

...I think I'm just hyperfocusing on the editing to keep my mind off of Poe and stuff, though, tbh. They still haven't replied to my last email and their Insta stories are making me worry and I just want to know they're okay. Like I don't know why they moved or where they moved to, but they don't seem to be doing well there and I just... fuck, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have sent that email after all. I know I put the kibosh on our friendship FOR THEM but I hate to see them having such a hard time and not being able to do anything about it. It HURTS.

I hate this.

Anyway.

So I've been doing superfluous editing and working on writing to try to keep my mind off it as much as possible, but it's hard. I'm working on notes for a new original project, The Rabid, which is a zombie apocalypse... ish. Thing. Kind of more classic zombie apocalypse setting than My Zombie, while also not TECHNICALLY being a zombie apocalypse at all? idk I'm just tinkering with the notes for it right now and we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.

I'm back up to 8 tabs open in Word again because I shut them all down and then immediately start opening them back up again, or adding new ones. Part of it right now is that I'm so worried about Poe I need ALL THE THINGS to focus on to try to keep my mind off it, I guess. But I really do need to shut most of them down again. Even TKA could be shut down until November, since I'm going to work on it for the NaNo, which of course means it's officially cursed. :|

I got all the stuff out of my storage bins to make candles like three days ago and I still haven't made any. I need to get on that, really. It's not like it's hard. It's just that the motivation isn't there for ANYTHING right now, except a little writing, so...

It's the same reason I've had the milk in the house for making rice pudding for like three weeks and haven't gotten around to it. And I asked for my parents to pick up sweet potatoes and cream so I could try making sweet potato pie and that was a week ago. I just... don't CARE about anything right now. I think I'm more depressed than I'd like to admit, tbh.

Last night we watched the premier of Brilliant Minds and Lee was bitchy the entire time because we weren't watching Chesapeake Shores but FUCK Lee, Brilliant Minds was actually really good and I am always up for some Zachary Quinto! I'm hoping it catches on because I really enjoyed it, but I think with it's House Vibes and the Zachary Quinto factor it might have a chance. Fingers crossed!

Oh, and my Aunt actually managed to convince Grandma to move to the new care home, so they're moving her on Wednesday, which is, in fact, tomorrow. And by "they" I mean "we" because I stupidly volunteered to help even though they're moving her right in the freaking middle of my Bad Pill Time. So I have to get up an hour and a half early tomorrow to take my pills early and hope they're done making me VIOLENTLY ILL before it's time to leave to move Grandma.

I know she needs to be in the care home, but she's going to be sharing a room with someone and I don't see that working out very well. =/ Also now that she's in Orillia she's really expecting me to come visit her like... A LOT. And I just... I can't handle being around her in the state she's in. Which is a horrible thing to say and makes me feel like a terrible person, but my own mental illness can't HANDLE her dementia and every time I see her now I come home after ward and just SOB.

Like Christmas is my favorite day, when we all get together, and last year was TERRIBLE because of the way she is now, I HATED it, and this year is going to be even worse. I don't even want to go to CHRISTMAS because of this, and I just... I feel like such an awful person. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I can't HELP it...

EDIT: Also, my image hosting site is being stupid and I don't know why and it's really pissing me off. >|

A couple of days ago I somehow ROYALLY buggered up my knee, and basically my whole left leg from the knee down hurt like FUCK, but especially the top of my foot for some reason? And only when I walked, when I STEPPED DOWN and put pressure on my leg. It wasn't sensitive to the touch or anything, it just hurt like fuck to WALK. And I was like, cool, you know, sounds like a plan, body, what else have you got for me? Luckily it only lasted a couple days, and this morning it's (mostly) back to normal with just some minor pain when I walk, which I hope will be completely gone in another day or two.

Next week Mom and I have to go back to the house in Baysville to haul furniture and boxes some more, and I think Mom plans to go twice in the week so that's going to suck but I guess it needs done so LET'S DO IT. It's just hard because of my back/hips/knees/wrists/hands/lungs BASICALLY MY WHOLE BODY, hauling heavy stuff up flights of stairs is like torture. But we have to get as much of it out to the garage as possible so that I know what's left to go to Dad's for storage there, since storage units are like $500/month now and I CANNOT afford that. :|

Last week when we were there we discovered that the mice that Grandma allowed to run rampant in the house for years had gotten into my couch and love seat so I had to throw those away. I have a chair down there still that I have to inspect but my hopes are not high for it, which SUCKS because it's the best chair EVER.

I have a lot of regrets in my life, but moving out of my last apartment and in with Grandma is one of the biggest ones. I was having mental health crises in that apartment, but if I had just stuck it out and gotten on the right meds it would have worked out and I could have stayed there. Then my stuff wouldn't be destroyed and I would have my own apartment, still. But I guess there's nothing I can do about it now, except wait for the subsidized housing people to get to me on the list, preferably some time this DECADE.

It's been twenty days since Poe last emailed me, other than to tell me that they couldn't email me for a while because of the whole mentioning TW thing. Sometimes I feel like our crazies match up, and other times I feel like they just look for excuses not to talk to me. I'm starting to wonder if we just weren't meant to be friends after all, considering all that's happened, even though we're basically the same person. I want to send them some Juna pics to cheer them up, but I don't know if that's allowed. I just don't know anymore. I just want them to be happy.

I still haven't gotten the wiggly foxes up on Etsy even though I said I was going to. I looked at the pictures I had taken and decided that I needed more of them, but then I've been procrastinating over actually DOING to pics, because I always do that, so they're just sitting here, staring at me.

I think I'm depressed right now and my motivation is just... not there for most things. I should be making candles, too, but I just... meh. I dunno, maybe I'll get out my candle stuff so I can make a couple later in the day when Jessie's room is closed up (that's where all my candle supplies are stored.) I really want to check the Dollarama for more of the super pretty Thanksgiving mugs to make into candles but I had to buy printer ink with my Trillium Benefit so I'm broke now until the end of the month unless I take money out of my jar again, which I shouldn't. Sucks.

I started writing three more Hijack one-shots last night, Switch, Paris and Violets Are Blue, all of which are Chemistry side-stories. I'm really enjoying writing Hijack in-and-around my SPN stuff lately, it's nice to get my head out of the Destiel for a while on occasion. I mean, I'm still working on Storm Season and When Lightning Strikes at the same time, and I also write a couple of blurbs for The House this morning, but, you know, variety is the spice of life and all that.

I really do want to write something for Valdemar soon, too. Maybe I'll finish Not Horses or Wander, or possibly Knowing? I don't know, I always have SO MANY Valdemar one-shot ideas it's hard to narrow it down to just one to work on. I'll figure it out, though.

Writing seems to be one thing I can still focus on despite the depression creeping back in, and I'm sure that's because of the ADHD meds. I think without them everything would just be me laying around thinking about the sweet embrace of death (again) and just generally being horrible. At least with the writing it gives me something to focus on and keep my mind of the CRUSHING DESPAIR, for part of the day, at least.

My Amazon cart currently has $145.09 worth of stuff in it, but to be fair there are 4 DVDs (Abigail, The Mitchell's VS The Machines, Sting & Kung Fu Panda 4) and two things of Halloween candy for next month, so it makes sense that it's that expensive. I can't pay for it until the 30th, and even then I might have to defer some of the stuff until my other government payments come in around the 15th of October. I also need to mail Poe's parcel when those come in, and the TINY PACKAGE is going to cost me like $118CAD WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK.

Literally I remember mailing SUBSTANTIAL parcels to the UK back in the day and it costing me like $38CAD to do it, I have no freaking idea why everything is so much more expensive nowadays. INFLATION, MAN.

P.S. I did manage to get about 3 hours of sleep last night after all. I am freaking exhausted, obviously. Going to go get candle stuff and then have a nap, I think. Hopefully I can sleep for real this time. *fingers crossed*

EDIT: Also, Mercedes Lackey is running another kickstarter type thing for a deluxe leather-bound book of like 30 of her short stories and I want it SO BAD but it's $100USD and it ends in like 15 days so WAY before I'll have the money to pay for it. I hate when people run kickstarters (etc.) for really short periods of time, it means people like me who have to scrape together the money get left in the lurch. :(

My meds are really kicking my ass this morning, like seriously. I've been dry heaving ever since I took them. At least it didn't start until they were out of my stomach so the pills themselves stayed down, but I feel like utter shit.

Doesn't help that I think Poe is ditching me again, and, again, didn't even bother to tell me, just did it. I feel DISPOSABLE and it sucks. I thought after last time they would at least give me a heads' up if they needed to get away from me, but no. Just radio silence. I'm being ghosted again. And it shouldn't hurt as much this time because I should have known better, but I trust to easily and too freely, even after being broken by a person in the past. You'd think I'd learn from my mistakes, but... I guess not. I'm going to try not to let this completely BREAK ME this time, though. It's all I can really do. Right now I just want to cry. I don't know what I did wrong this time.

I've decided that I'm going to pull all my VLOGs off YouTube. They were therapeutic when I made them but now I think they're too RAW and PERSONAL and I don't like them being on my YT for just anyone to see. I'm going to keep them for myself, though, and probably keep making new ones, too, but hopefully they won't be as BROKEN and HOPELESS as most of the ones that I did these past nine months.

I took pictures of a few wiggly foxes to post them on my Etsy, so I have to do that some time in the next day or two. The shipping boxes for them should arrive tomorrow (it was one-day shipping but I put the order in on Friday and it's a long weekend SO) and then I'll be set, and we'll see if they go over or not. My bet is probably not, considering how well my stuff has gone over so far, but I could be wrong. Here's hoping I'm wrong.

This afternoon Mom and I are going to Baysville to move the couch, love seat and big dresser out of the basement with my Uncle's help, since we can't do them just the two of us. There's still SO MUCH to move, and only like half of it is going to fit in the space I've got allocated. I don't know how much space Dad will manage to clear out for me, but I guarantee I've got more stuff for storing at his place than he thinks I do.

I just really wish they would get to my name on the subsidized housing list. The government keeps saying they're building more "affordable housing units" but even THAT is like $1200/month + utilities for a one bedroom apartment. I get literally $450/month toward rent. Even living HERE with Mom and Lee, I'm paying more than that, because they insisted on raising my rent a while back. But the cost of housing is ridiculous, and then they wonder why we have such a homeless problem. When even "affordable" housing is $1200 + utilities (and food, medications, etc.) a month, no wonder people end up on the streets.

I shouldn't bitch so much about living here, at least I've got a roof over my head. I'm lucky compared to some people.

I'm feeling numb right now and that's never a good sign. Today isn't going to be a good day, I can already tell. Hopefully we can get the Baysville stuff done quickly and get back home so I can marinate in my misery in peace.

I haven't really felt like writing in this thing the last few days... even the last two actual entries were cut-and-pasted from other sources. I've been keeping up with my Photoblogging and the occasional VLOG post but other than that I just...

I'm really struggling right now. Because I'm still dealing with all the stuff I was dealing with before, but now that I'm on the Vyvanse everything is SUPER clear and defined in my mind, and just... TOO intense. I just keep crying out of the blue for various reasons and I'm trying to distract myself with movies and writing (mostly fanfiction) with... moderate success.

I don't even know what to do about it. All my problems are the same, but the Vyvanse makes them seem ten times worse and I'm just. Lost. I don't know who or what I am anymore.

My Dad called today just to chat about movies for five minutes before he sat down for supper. He calls every few days now. Before, he used to call maybe once every 4-6 weeks? But he found out how badly I was doing back around the beginning of February and really stepped it up. He's trying to keep an eye on me and also keep my spirits up. He doesn't really know how poorly I'm ACTUALLY doing, though. He doesn't know I tried to kill myself twice in February. And I'll never tell him. The only one who actually knows is Mom, and even she thinks I'm doing better than I actually am. I only talked to her about it because I was desperate and needed to tell SOMEONE.

I'm good at putting on a smile and pretending I'm better. That's what I'm good at. Masking. And I know it's not good for me, but it's my armor, to protect both myself and others from what's actually going on inside my fucked-up head.

But I'm not okay. I'm pretty much never okay.

This year, for the first time in over a decade, I applied for a table at Anime North's Artist Alley. It was partly Poe's idea, and when we were talking about it initially I was on board because I had a million projects on the go that would sell well at a con and I thought it could be fun. But even though I applied, my name didn't get drawn in the lottery for tables so I didn't get a space. And... it's probably better that way anyway. Since everything that happened in January I've been utterly USELESS at my arts and crafts and jewelry making (and writing), that sort of thing. I can't get up the enthusiasm to work on anything for more than five minutes at a time, so all my projects that had seemed so promising a few months ago are just hanging out, collecting dust. I wouldn't have had anything to sell even if I HAD gotten a table at AN.

Currently having another random bout of "I miss my cat and want him back.", so I'm sitting around looking at pics of Tri and sobbing because the whole situation was my fucking fault and if I hadn't been so goddamn stupid then he [probably] wouldn't be dead.

Cuddling with my other cats doesn't help, and neither does sharing a room with Jessie right now because none of them are the cat that I want. It's not the same.

/actively hates herself right now, even more than usual.

Real post... at some point tomorrow, maybe. Assuming I can get up the energy to type it out. To be honest, right now I'm having trouble working up the ambition to do anything. My life sucks even more than normal right now and I'm starting to think it's not even worth trying anymore.

/goes to cry herself to sleep.

A semi-decent update for those of you on my flist that are wondering how I'm doing aside from ZOMG eel creatures and OMG lampwork heart pendants.

Mom's surgery is coming up on the 25th, and it really kind of snuck up on me. The whole family is really stressed and worried right now, and Mom is making herself sick with being afraid that when they go in to do the hysterectomy they'll find something more than the tests have shown so far. I know we should all be trying to keep an optimistic outlook, but it's proving to be hard, especially since Grandpa just died of cancer three years ago. The whole thing is keeping me up at night a lot, and I won't feel any better about it until after the operation when the surgeon comes and tells us everything is fine.

I moved a couple weeks ago as well; to a little apartment downtown. It's not much (I'll post pictures once it's more organized), and pretty small, but it's mine, and I love that about it. Besides which, for one person (and cats/rabbits), it's a fine size. The only problem is that I have too much stuff. >>; It's been a nightmare trying to figure out how to fit everything in, and that's even after two vanloads of stuff having been taken to the goodwill.

When I first was moving in, the place was a mess. The kitchen still needs to have a really good cleaning with bleach, but other than that it's tidy enough I can put up with it until everything's unpacked and settled. The bathroom was DISGUSTING. I should have taken some photos to show you the before and after. Grandma actually came down on the day I moved, and rather than helping with the move itself, just locked herself up in the bathroom and scrubbed the shit out of it for HOURS. It's still terribly stained, but not actually dirty anymore. I don't think the previous tenants cleaned the bathroom once in the entire time they lived here. -__-;; Ugh.

Right as I'm typing this, the girly bunnies are in the kitchen having playtime. Unfortunately, until I got the kitchen organized enough that they couldn't get into things they shouldn't, they couldn't have time out to exercise-- it's been about three weeks since they were last out of their cage. I feel guilty, but there wasn't much I could do, since the kitchen is the only place here I can let them out at all. Now I can though, so we can get back into the regular routine of daily romps.

In November, I've got a table to sell things at the Christmas bazaar in Bracebridge. So I'm selling some jewelry there, as well as some jams and jellies. Grandma brought me six freaking baskets of crab apples when she came down, so I'll have TONS of crab apple jelly. (If anyone wants some, let me know and I'll set aside a jar of it for you.) It'll be the first time I've actually sold something I've cooked/baked so I'm really kind of nervous about it. Hopefully it'll go well.

Also, some time in the next couple days I'll be posting a massive sales post; due to space issues and the fact that I'm in desperate need of money, I've decided to sell off most of my extensive Sailormoon collection. I have a few really rare items, so fingers crossed. Also, if you know anyone who might like to commission a pony or something from me, please point them in my direction.



...because of everything that's been going on, I haven't been online much. Most of my time has been designated to doctor's visits and the move/unpacking. Honestly, I'm starting to get really weary of it, and I'm feeling... downtrodden. Just sad and gloomy. I miss being on AIM and talking to people, and blogging about nothing. But until the end of the month I just won't have the time.

EDIT: Maddie needs monies too, so go check out her etsy shop:



EDIT #2: I'm watching The Evil Dead II right now while I'm organizing things, and the girl's head just bit the guy on the hand, and he's flailing and screaming and smashing said severed head against walls and books and desks and whatnot, and I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. XDD;;;

It starts here, at about nine minutes in:



...and continues on here. xD;;

Yeah I fail at like... everything online lately. I've been having a lot of trouble irl with various things, which I may or may not get into in this entry. Anyway, list format today for the sake of my sanity because I have a fuckton of stuff to talk about since it's been so long since I last wrote anything. xD;

1) ANIME NORTH. Okay, basically I spent the whole weekend at my table trying to sell jewelry and pony commissions (since I wasn't allowed to actually sell the ponies there). I sold a bit, and got two commissions (Van from Escaflowne and Reno from FFVII. XD), but the way Artist Alley and Crafter's Corner was organized this year was RETARDED, and the Corner was way the hell out of the way so we got practically no traffic. SO ANNOYING. Anyway, all that work and spending that much time at the table, and I basically broke even for the cost of the con registration, the table, and the parts that went into the jewelry. So much for making money for Otakon. -__-;

Anyway, that aside, I got to see Mel and Zexy again. :3 I went to a D-Gray photoshoot with Mel on Friday, and to the Moonlight Ball with her and Bonnie on Saturday night for a while. I didn't get to see Zexy as much, but she stopped by my table twice to say hi and give her her present~ ♥

On Friday I wore my Org13 Demyx outfit. It was INSANELY HOT. DAMN PLEATHER. And I forgot my gloves at home, so I just wore my shark/dolphin rings instead. *shrug* I also didn't have my boots because the morons I ordered them from backed out at the last minute. This was remedied Saturday morning, though, when I found awesome bootcovers in the Dealer's Room. Then Saturday during the day I wore my casual!Demyx outfit. Did I mention I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new wig? It's so awesome there are no words to describe it. And it fits perfectly, and stays in place all day, it doesn't even budge. >w<~ Anyhow! Then Saturday night for the Moonlight Ball I wore my Haine cosplay. Sunday was Org13 Demyx again for a while, then last-minute casual!Lavi that pretty much all came from my closet lol.

I didn't buy a whole ton of stuff like I do most years because I was trying to save monies for Otakon, but I did get four boxes of pocky, a Riku plushie (I always get myself a plushie at AN), and about 30 buttons. XD; A bunch of KH ones, some FFVII ones and some Ouran ones. Also, one booth had kitty buttons and the proceeds from them went to a cat rescue, so I got myself one of those. Then I got three more the next day to send to people. XD; Oh, and I got some henna done on my arm. It's faded out now, but I took pics of it~

( Various photos from AN. Haine cosplay photos when I get around to getting some from Mel or raiding my Mom's camera. >>; )

2) ON THE WAY HOME FROM ANIME NORTH. Two things happened; first, I was looking out the window of the van and actually saw a songbird attack a hawk in midflight. It was spectacular and I couldn't believe it. I've seen that kind of thing on Animal Planet, but I never thought I'd see it IRL. WOW.

Second... I broke a knuckle in my right hand. >__>;; I caught it in a booth when we stopped for food. It was all bruised for a while and hurt like a bitch, but I didn't bother going to the hospital. *shrug* Which was fine until a couple days ago when I smashed it off a doorknob and re-cracked it. xD; *FAIL OMFG*

3) OTAKON. Well... I didn't make any money toward Otakon at AN like I'd wanted, but I still managed to finagle out a way to pay for it. GO ME. Basically, I'm not paying my parents rent for next month, and then paying double in August. I'm also borrowing $300 from my Grandma, which I'm paying back in September. Ugh more debt but fuck it, I'M GOING. XD; So I've already paid for my registration and my plane tickets (NO 26 HOUR BUS RIDE FOR ME THIS YEAR), which completely maxed out my credit card two weeks ago, but you know... whatever. >>; It'll get paid off at the end of the month.

Maddie love, let me know when you have a tentative total for the stuff we're doing in Dayton and gas monies and everything. ♥

Cosplay for Otakon! Org13 Demyx and Haine for sure. Also, I think I'm going to do Riku cosplay from BOYS, just for kicks and to see how many people get it. I could trim up my Suigintou wig a bit and it'd work for Riku totally fine. I NEED SOME HEMP BRACELETS AND STUFF. I SHOULD GET SOME HEMP AND JUST MAKE THEM MYSELF IT WOULD BE CHEAPER. I also need some gray arm warmers to go as fake long sleeves under the t-shirt so that I don't have to wear layers lol. Also, yakuza!Kadaj, complete with pinstripe shirt and fedora. >D

I'm also bringing about six other wigs in case myself or anyone wants to do impromptu cosplay of anything. My Kyo wig for sure, and my blonde pigtail one, and probably my blue one and maybe my red one, though I got that one for Axel cosplay (next year maybe), and I don't want it to get messed up between now and when I have a chance to style it... hmm. Must think on this more.

4) B-GRADE MOVIES. After AN, we stopped at Dad and Lois' place to say hi and see teh doggies, and I borrowed 24 b-grade movies from him. XD TWENTY-FOUR. AWESOME. Some of the best ones were The Burrowers, Alien Raiders and Decoys (the second one is bad though.) I also borrowed Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, which I LOVED. ♥

5) SORA AND RIKU. Last week I had to take my rats to the vet. Riku was diagnosed with pneumonia, and the vet gave me antibiotics for him... but unfortunately, he died the next day. It's sad, but he was in a really bad way, so I'm kind of glad he didn't suffer for long. Sora doesn't seem to know what to do without him, though. Also, I had to treat Sora for mites today. That's no big deal, though.

6) JEWELRY. IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED IN BUYING SOME JEWELRY, LOOK HERE. 90% OF IT IS STILL AVAILABLE.

7) FEET. Last Friday, my feet and ankles swelled up to twice their normal size. As in, I had no discernable ankle, and could barely walk because of it. =_=;; And they stayed that way until TUESDAY NIGHT. WTF? I have no idea why, but it was a pain and a little disturbing on top of that. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday though, and the doctor wants me to go for bloodwork, since it's possible my meds are the cause of the swelling. Yep.

8) DOCTORS IN TORONTO. A while back, I mentioned about going in for gastric bypass surgery. Last month I went to the initial consultation in Toronto, and then earlier this month I went for the appointment with the social worker and dietician. I still have to go to a gastric bypass class, and see an internist before going back to the surgeon again, at which point my surgery will actually be scheduled.

Things are actually coming along rather well. The only big problem right now is that my Grandma is really against it. She doesn't think I should do it. But then she thinks that my weight issues are my fault. It's bad enough that strangers assume I'm lazy and don't eat well, but having my own Grandma think that really hurts. She keeps giving me lectures about exercise and eating right-- I already eat right (even the dietician was impressed), and I exercise as much as I can but with my legs the way they are, it isn't always possible. I have to walk with a cane, Grandma, it's not like I can just break into an easy run. *sigh* I really need to talk to her about it, but... I know I'll just get another lecture about not trying hard enough, and end up crying for two days over it. I dunno...

9) THE YARD. Mom has decided this summer that she's sick of the back and front yard (what little we have of them, this is just a townhouse after all), and wants them to look really nice. So we've all been working on the yard for the last month, putting down sod and seeding and watering and pulling up weeds. Also, in the front yard we lined the sidewalk with quartz stones, with solar lights along the other side. Then next to the door we planted a little cedar tree, with more quarts around it. Yep.

10) ROLEPLAY. I haven't been rping as much lately, with everything IRL. I was supposed to be back from hiatus at TV like a month ago. I really need to get back there before people get sick of it and I get kicked out.

I have, however, been rping some zombie!apocalypse-verse Kingdom Hearts with Michi over email. It's hilarious and fun. Plus RikuRoku, which makes me happeh. :D And I've been rping with my bb Kiin over at losechesters, which is a comm Kiin set up for us for "Winchestertastical" roleplay. I'm Sam and she's Dean and basically it's just for the sake of crack. It's SO much fun. Which reminds me, I need to think up another post for there... >.>;