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Sena, Interrupted
Jul. 23rd, 2024 09:48 pmI'm having a minor internal meltdown the last few days. I just... I guess I realized, that I'm halfway through my life and have yet to accomplish anything. At the moment things are looking up with my writing, but I've said that before, so there's constantly this little voice in my head telling me I can't actually do it, I'm going to fail, I fail every time I try anything, the same as always.
Finishing HH helped a bit, but now I've moved on to TKA and it's so much more daunting when it's an original novel. Like I could screw this up so bad, affect my life so negatively if I go wrong with it. And I want to do well, I want to finish TKA, even if I never write the other books in the set, I want to do Aidan and Tyler and Wren and Katie proud, but all I have in my head are doubts. I don't have any confidence in myself, even having just written all of HH in like three weeks. The "you're just dicking around" thing is still stuck in my head and won't get out.
I feel like all I've ever been to anyone in my life is a disappointment. I couldn't even finish high school because of my health, or go back for my GED because my brain was such a bag of cats all the time, it made studying or taking tests impossible. I can't learn to drive because the very idea terrifies me and I have panic attacks just going over the freaking books to prep you for the test. I'm a loser and will always be a loser. I've come to accept this, but it still hurts.
I can't hold on to friends for love nor money. I don't blame them for ditching me, I'm insufferable, I'd probably ditch me, too, if I could. Hell, I even tried back in February but I'm a failure at that, too. All the people who were my friend, whom I was close to and I thought loved me, have left, and I'm terribly, terribly lonely now. I want to write a letter to Courtney, but she already slapped me with a Cease And Desist last time I tried contacting her, so I don't dare do it again. I just want her to know that I'm sorry about the misunderstandings, and that I hope she's doing well.
I'm also getting to the point in my life that I'm going to start losing family members any time now. My Grandma is in failing health with dementia and apparently dementia patients have, on average, a five year lifespan after the disease starts getting serious. I'm not sure where we are, timeline wise, with Grandma, but Mom keeps telling me not to buy her presents "ahead of time" anymore, so my guess is pretty close to the five years.
My parents are both around sixty-five, so I have some time left with them, but when they're gone I don't know what I'll do. I'll literally have no one. I don't know if I can live like that. Mom and Dad are literally the only reason I manage on most days. That and emailing Poe now and again.
My entire life has just been... such a fucking shitshow, and it doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon. I just want to be happy for once, but it doesn't seem to be coming down the line for me. So I guess I'll just sit and work on my book and maybe manage to get it published some day. That's about all I have the mental capacity for right now, anyway.
Finishing HH helped a bit, but now I've moved on to TKA and it's so much more daunting when it's an original novel. Like I could screw this up so bad, affect my life so negatively if I go wrong with it. And I want to do well, I want to finish TKA, even if I never write the other books in the set, I want to do Aidan and Tyler and Wren and Katie proud, but all I have in my head are doubts. I don't have any confidence in myself, even having just written all of HH in like three weeks. The "you're just dicking around" thing is still stuck in my head and won't get out.
I feel like all I've ever been to anyone in my life is a disappointment. I couldn't even finish high school because of my health, or go back for my GED because my brain was such a bag of cats all the time, it made studying or taking tests impossible. I can't learn to drive because the very idea terrifies me and I have panic attacks just going over the freaking books to prep you for the test. I'm a loser and will always be a loser. I've come to accept this, but it still hurts.
I can't hold on to friends for love nor money. I don't blame them for ditching me, I'm insufferable, I'd probably ditch me, too, if I could. Hell, I even tried back in February but I'm a failure at that, too. All the people who were my friend, whom I was close to and I thought loved me, have left, and I'm terribly, terribly lonely now. I want to write a letter to Courtney, but she already slapped me with a Cease And Desist last time I tried contacting her, so I don't dare do it again. I just want her to know that I'm sorry about the misunderstandings, and that I hope she's doing well.
I'm also getting to the point in my life that I'm going to start losing family members any time now. My Grandma is in failing health with dementia and apparently dementia patients have, on average, a five year lifespan after the disease starts getting serious. I'm not sure where we are, timeline wise, with Grandma, but Mom keeps telling me not to buy her presents "ahead of time" anymore, so my guess is pretty close to the five years.
My parents are both around sixty-five, so I have some time left with them, but when they're gone I don't know what I'll do. I'll literally have no one. I don't know if I can live like that. Mom and Dad are literally the only reason I manage on most days. That and emailing Poe now and again.
My entire life has just been... such a fucking shitshow, and it doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon. I just want to be happy for once, but it doesn't seem to be coming down the line for me. So I guess I'll just sit and work on my book and maybe manage to get it published some day. That's about all I have the mental capacity for right now, anyway.
