Sena's DW :: Watermelon Life

I've turned into the kind of writer who writes out TONS of notes on projects before and during writing them... and then doesn't stick to those notes AT ALL when she's ACTUALLY WRITING THE THING. I wrote like a 23 page detailed storyline and notes for TKA before the NaNo started this past November and when I reached 50,000 words? Literally NONE of it was in the actual novel. And I was like. Fuck. And then had to scramble through the notes to see what I still wanted to keep and where I could kind of shoehorn those scenes into the novel I had actually written. To this day I STILL don't know what happened, there. I'm hoping it doesn't become a trend, because it was really frustrating. :|

Right now I'm working on that post-HH one shot, Snapshot, and the post-SS one-shot, Echoes, even though I should be working on Hunting Souls and Endling. But there's no telling what my brain will latch onto, even with the ADHD meds on board, and apparently that's true even with the upped dosage. But I have like... six? Weeks before I have to have Hunting Souls done, seven for Endling, and then Supply And Demand and THEN Echoes do idk what my brain is doing. I think it might just miss teenage!Dean and teenage!human!Cas because Snapshot takes place when they're 18 and Echoes involved a spell that de-ages them to about that time as well. Their relationship is just slightly different when they're younger. I like younger!Dean and younger!Cas in this AU the best. Plus 13-year-old Sam is always fun to write.

Yesterday Mom and I went out to Walmart (and then Michael's and then Staples) so I could buy some binders for new projects, because all my projects are organized into their own labelled binders, most with mocked-up covers to go with them. Last night I set up Circulation (Brilliant Minds/House/Helix), Frailty (SPN), Sins of Angels (original), Endgame Girls (original), Where Monsters Come From (SPN/Valdemar) and a new, smaller binder for TKA (original) because the one it was currently housed in was WAY too big (when I got it I was like "3-inch binder? 3-inch binder." but I only really need half of that.) When I did my grocery shopping last Friday I also bought binders for My Zombie (original), Sundown Valley (original), Cessation (SPN/TWD) and Freefall (original), so I'm set up for projects for the next little while. Of course now my brain will pick another completely random one to work on instead, but you know. *shrug*

I still need a binder for Riptide, I forgot about Riptide in my binder-buying spree. =/

.....

I've been buying healing gemstone bracelets recently. Not expensive ones, but ones that I can use and like the look of. So far my LUCK one, my RELEASE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS one and my ANTIDEPRESSION one have come in. I think I still have a PROTECTION one and another ANTIDEPRESSION one coming (because I can use as much antidepressant stuff as I can GET) and... I ordered one for Grandma, that's supposed to be really good for memory, made of blue agate, but I ordered it before she was literally on her death bed and I have no idea what to do with it when it arrives anymore. Maybe I'll give it to Mom or something. I don't really need my memory stimulated, I have a super good memory and always have, I just thought for Grandma... and it's pretty shades of blue. I thought she would like it. But yeah. Now I just...

I have books for her, too, in the other room, that I was waiting to give her until she finished the LAST batch of books I sent her a couple months ago. And I have other books in my thriftbooks cart for her just waiting for me to buy them. But I guess now I just... don't. I delete them, and I take the ones I already have up to the little library at the top of the hill by the church. There's no point in hanging onto them, she isn't going to make it to read them, so someone else might as well. It just hurts to be giving away gifts for her before she even had a chance to enjoy them.

Anyway.

When I went shopping this past Friday I bought a couple of new posters (I only needed one but I couldn't decide between them) so I could replace the ripped up, water damaged Spider-Man: Homecoming one that's been on my closet door since I moved in here like seven freaking years ago. Then I asked Mom which one I should put up, since I didn't want to open both of them if I didn't have to) and so now I have a nice Japanese art print poster on my closet (sorry Mona Lisa popping bubblegum! You can go up in my next apartment, assuming I ever get one) and I really like it. It's got Mt. Fuji and waves and trees and everything. It's very pretty. I would have been happy with either of them, though. <3

Oh, and I bought my own stud finder and it came in yesterday, so today at some point I plan to (attempt) finding some studs in the ceiling so I can hang more plant hangers, since I have a few plants down on Mom's shelves that I know she would really like to pitch out the window right now, so they need to find new homes. Mom doesn't thrive in clutter like I do, lol. XD

When we went to buy wormies for the axolotls on Friday they were sold out of regular worms so the guy talked me into buying trout worms instead because they're "basically the same just smaller" (and a dollar more expensive per container.) So I bought like six containers of them, each container with 24 worms in it, and when I got them home... YEAH. They are TINY. I have to feed the 'lotls TWELVE WORMS A DAY (between the three of them), as opposed to THREE of the regular sized nightcrawlers. That means my six containers will last only TWELVE DAYS, AND they cost extra. I can't AFFORD to feed them trout worms like holy shit. (Which is too bad because they're easier to handle, I don't have to cut them apart, and the 'lotls seem to love them.) But YES GOING BACK TO REGULAR WORMS IN A FEW DAYS WHEN I RUN OUT OF STUPID EXPENSIVE TROUT WORMS.

Speaking of the 'lotls, I need to give their tank a really good cleaning soon, it's getting a little grungy and they shouldn't have to live like that. It was hard to keep up with the tank when my brain was made of concrete, but now that I'm on an upped dose of the ADHD meds I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things.

What else...

Oh, I tried to fight Wren's seller on the C.O.D. thing because like, they charged my shipping UP FRONT and THEN went and charged me C.O.D.? That's fucking fraud. But they refused to refund my money even when I showed them the C.O.D. receipt and when I went to AliExpress they were USELESS as always, so I'm just out $25. Whatever. I think I'm pretty much done with AliExpress anyway, at least for now. They heavily favor the sellers in disputes and generally treat the customers like shit and I don't need that in my life. Plus I can get most of what I would want from AliExpress from Temu anyway, so. Yeah.

...Poe still refuses to acknowledge my existence but I guess that's fine. I mean, it's not FINE, it hurts, but it's "fine", you know? At least they reinstated their Insta a few days ago, every time they delete it I worry because they only do that when something really bad is happening in their life, and I get concerned that they might do something stupid, especially now that they're living on their own. I think I'll always worry about Poe, I just hope over time the worry will lessen, even though I doubt the care will ever go away.

I'm hoping they'll be willing to get back to me when I contact them when their Werewolf plush eventually arrives, though. We've both been waiting for our Snughouls plushies for a year and a half now and I really want them to have theirs.

Also on the topic of Poe, I'm going to take my spare copy of How To Be Autistic up to the little library along with the books for Grandma. I have two copies, one normal one that I bought and a signed copy that Poe sent me, and I don't need both. I'm hoping someone grabs it and is helped by it, the way Poe intended.

I have a headache, and my brain hurts, even though I know that's impossible because your brain doesn't have pain receptors. Technically, it CAN'T hurt. But right now mine DOES and when it does this there's nothing I can do about it, painkillers don't do anything, because it's a phantom pain, like a phantom itch or phantom limb syndrome. It's one of my unique set of ADHD symptoms, and when I first went on the meds it went away, but now that the dosage is off it's come back. I just have a constant, throbbing brainache. (I'm coining that as a word, btw.)

Yesterday was my day to cook so I made chili, which I normally love, but nowadays I have to make it bland enough that Mom and Lee can eat it, so basically with no spice at all, so it barely even tastes like chili. I miss being able to cook for MY tastes and MY likes and dislikes. I miss having my own place with privacy where the TV isn't always on shitty NCIS or W Network 24/7, where people don't grumble about me behind my back (and sometimes to my face) because I've long ago worn out my welcome. Where I'm not terrified of what's going to happen to my belongings in a year because my Aunt and Uncle threw a contract at me at the last second without even discussing it with me first and I can't afford the transport/storage fees for it. I miss feeling safe and secure in my own home.

When I first moved in here, I wasn't CAPABLE of living on my own because Grandma left me in such bad shape. I needed other people around, and so it was good to be living with Mom and Lee, at least for the time being, but it was supposed to be a TEMPORARY situation. Now it's been 7 years and I'm still stuck here because the housing market is out of control (because of the College and University, mostly), and the affordable housing people are obviously in no hurry to get me into a place despite me being on the list for almost a decade. Meanwhile, Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec are threatening to throw out all my stuff AT MY EXPENSE if I don't get it out of there by next spring (2026.)

And it's like... I don't understand why they're being this way. They told me they would store my things, just not in the basement because the basement needs HEAVY construction. They NEVER said to me that there would be a timeline on this. They know my circumstances. They're like "you're on the subsidized housing list you should get a place before then" and it's like TRY TELLING THAT TO THE YEARS I'VE ALREADY BEEN ON THE LIST, YOU ASSHOLES. IT COULD BE ANOTHER TEN YEARS BEFORE I GET A PLACE. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SUBSIDIZED HOUSING WORKS (OR DOESN'T WORK AS THE CASE MAY BE.) And if I don't get a place by next spring they're just going to pitch all of my stuff, my books, my collectibles, my kitchen, my furniture, EVERYTHING, in the dump and then CHARGE ME $100/LOAD TO DO IT.

So, I have to somehow come up with the $1200-$1500 for movers to move it all from Baysville to Orillia, and then $300/month from that point onward for a storage unit because they're being utter DICKS about this. They aren't even USING the shed my belongings are going to be stored in. They built it SPECIFICALLY TO STORE MY STUFF, and then said "cool, we'll have a shed to use for our purposes afterward." Christ, they have TWO garages and TWO sheds on the property already that they can use in the meantime!

I just. I don't get it. We're FAMILY. Family helps each other out, they don't dick each other around like this. If our positions were reversed I would never even IMAGINE doing something like this to them. And I keep thinking "I should tell Grandma about this" because she's the MATRIARCH, she's IN CHARGE, but soon she won't be anymore, they're taking her power of attorney away from her (rightfully so), and she ALREADY thinks Aunt Brenda is up to something "nefarious" so that would just cement the idea even more firmly in her head, even though in this case it's fucking TRUE. And if I was to go behind everyone's back and tell Grandma anyway, she would start yelling about it (GOOD) but then I would get in trouble for putting ideas in her head. So it's just like... the only person who could really help me with this at all has dementia and would probably just make things worse, instead.

Our family...

We used to be close, like REALLY close, ride or die type of thing, but ever since Grandpa died twenty years ago it's been slowly going downhill. Trunks hasn't come to Family Christmas in years, and neither had Darius or Killian. Alex stopped about eight years ago, too. The last two years CLARE hasn't even come. This year at Family Christmas, Aunt Brenda said "and hopefully we won't have to do this again next year!" meaning the whole gathering, because Grandma probably won't be around anymore and without her why bother? And that just... it killed me, because I thought our bonds were stronger than that, but apparently I was wrong. Then again, I should have known that from how she and Uncle Alec are treating me right now, so. Yeah.

I guess I've just gotten to the point in my life when my family is getting older and moving on with theirs, and most people would fall back on their friends when it came down to it, but... I don't really have any. So when my family pulls away it leaves me absolutely bereft, basically. I have no one. I still talk to Sethi and Cassandra-san a bit, but that's about it. It sucks. Ten years ago I had a whole social network, but now...

I had a dream last night that I literally woke up crying from this morning, and it's been an hour and a half now and I'm still sniffly over it NOW, so. Yeah.

Basically, Grandma had passed away but she didn't realize she HAD so she was vibrant and full of life and we were packing her up from her house (read as: an amalgamation of her old house and some other random house) for a "vacation" that was actually her moving on to the spirit realm/Heaven. And she was chipper and all there mentally and physically healthy again, except she kept trying to call Russ to tell him she wouldn't be there for cards the next day and couldn't get through. She was leaving like, static on his message machine. And we were like "it's fine, Grandma, you can try calling him later" and she kind of smiled sadly and said "no, I can't" and that was when we realized that she ABSOLUTELY knew she was already dead.

And in that moment she just WITHERED into a shell of what she had been and I tried to catch her before she fell and kind of half-managed it, and suddenly she was small the frail and sickly like she is now and I was hugging her SO CLOSE. And everyone else was like "come on it's time to go!" but I scrambled back into the house because I wanted to take everything with me, and I was standing in front of a wall of aquariums, all of which still had fish in them, none of which Grandma ever owned in life, and Grandma came up beside me and asked what I was doing and I said "which one do I take? Which one of YOURS do I take?" And just she kind of hugged my shoulders.

And then I woke up and I'm still crying over it now.

I understand that my mind is trying to prepare me for losing Grandma relatively soon, and I know that when it happens it's going to be DEVASTATING, but still, for some reason this dream really struck home. I think maybe because of how vivacious and full of life she was to begin with and then how quickly she crumpled into what she is now, in real life. It feels very much like that's the way it happened irl, even though I know her decline was over the course of like five or six years to the point she's at now. In my head it seems like it happened much faster. One minute she was Grandma, and the next she was this SHELL of a person that I barely recognize.

And I'm already grieving for her, obviously, if my mind is coming up with dreams like that, even though she's technically still with us. But it's going to KILL ME when we lose her, even though the last couple of years have been really hard on me with her mental decline...

I guess I just miss my Grandma, is what it boils down to.

My set of Warriors books by Erin Hunter came in this morning. #1-6, the complete first set. I'll see how I like them and then get into more of them later on if I do. I keep hearing about this series from various people but it's one I somehow missed out on growing up, but I figure you can start at any age, right? I also want to read the Silverwing series by Kenneth Oppal (I think that's the name), though those ones are very thin books. The Warriors ones will at least take me a day or two to read each one. *shrug*

I cooked dinner last night from a recipe from the Deadpool cookbook, and while Mom and Lee liked it okay I wasn't really a fan of it. And it wasn't even the honey that was in it, I couldn't even taste that for once! I dunno, something about it was just... meh. So Mom picked the zucchini out of it since that was the only part she and Lee didn't like and they said they'll eat it again. The thing with me is that I don't eat very many things as leftovers, as a general rule, so I just... I guess I'm picky. I dunno.

Yesterday the scabs came off my mangled finger. It still hurts, but it's good to know that it's holding together. There's a lot of scar tissue and still some numb spots but I'll survive. Sometimes it hurts to type, though, especially in the mornings, which is kind of a pain in the butt since that's when I do most of my writing.

Last night the HUGE parcel I sent to Sethi arrived and she videotaped her kids opening it and it was a minute-and-a-half of fabulous. They were SO excited. Seriously though, every time I send a parcel with pinback buttons in it Customs takes them out of their little baggie and they end up spread all across the box. It's annoying. I don't know why I bother. But that aside, I'm looking forward to reviews on everything as it gets played with/eaten/etc. The toys and stickers are already a hit. (I sent SO MANY STICKERS OMG.)

Last night I finished Halcyon Days (#29 in the post-SS one-shot series) and it turned out to be 37 pages and 17737 words long, before editing. It might end up a little shorter or longer, after editing. I think it's the longest of the post-SS one-shots so far, which is nice because it's the "last" one (before Serendipity which almost doesn't count) and an important one. It was fun to write, and sad sometimes, but in general I enjoyed it. Dean and Cas got to have a nice hotel in Halcyon Days, instead of the usual ratty motel, haha. Good times.

The filter in the axolotl tank is still acting up, GLUGing and spitting water everywhere when it does, but now that my finger is semi-functional and watertight again, I can stick my hand into the tank to try to deal with it. I'll have to do it tomorrow though, because Extended Family Christmas is today so I'm busy with travelling and Christmas-ing and that kind of stuff.

There's a chance that Grandma won't be able to make it today and I feel like a horrible person for saying it, but I'm hoping that turns out to be the case. Aside from being forgetful and stuff, she's become mean and accusatory and obstinate, and I just don't think I can handle being around her the way she is now. She's not my Grandma anymore and it tears me up inside.

I'm going to wear my "ew, people" Grinch hoodie today, the one that Amy and Brit got me for Christmas last year. I checked the other day and it still fits, just a little tighter around my belly because of all the NAFLD weight gain.

Update on Extended Family Christmas later.

A week from now is Christmas with me, Mom, Lee and my little brother, so I really need to get the Wiggly Foxes that I'm making for him finished like... in the next couple of days, so the paint has a chance to really set and I can spray seal them before I wrap them up for him. I have one 98% complete, and the other three are like 75% there, I just have to get off my duff and freaking DO IT.

I'm still waiting for some stuff to come in the mail which sucks because we're getting together with Amy, Brit, Sarah, etc. on the 22nd and it's like... what am I going to do if they don't arrive before then? I guess placeholder boxes of chocolates until their actual gifts arrive. I'm a little annoyed, though. I dunno, it's a pain.

Right, so Grandma didn't move this morning after all. Today she woke up and decided that she had been PRESSURED into saying yes, and that she didn't want to move after all and she absolutely freaked the fuck out. So the whole thing got called off and she's staying in Innisfil for now, which is not ideal for a lot of reasons.

Initially Innisfil was fine because the retirement home was right down the street from where my Aunt and Uncle live, so they could visit her routinely. But it's an hour away from US, so we CAN'T visit her often. And now my Aunt and Uncle are moving to BAYSVILLE, which is two hours away AT BEST, so they basically won't be visiting her at all. So she'll have no one. If she had moved to the care home in Orillia she would have been five minutes away and Mom could have visited her whenever.

On top of that, by turning down this placement, she'll be taken off the ENTIRE LIST for placements for care homes, so six months from now when she falls AGAIN and needs to go into a care home, she'll be placed in the first one IN ALL OF ONTARIO that has an opening. She could end up so far away that she never sees any of us AGAIN.

And I am SO ANGRY that Mom and my Uncles haven't gone at and gotten power of attorney over her so they can make these decisions for her, because she DOES NOT HAVE the memory or mental capacity to make informed decisions for herself. But my Uncles both won't do it, and all three of them have to agree to legally obtain power of attorney over her. Like. FUCK, MAN, CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT SHE CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT HERSELF ANYMORE?? SHE HAS DEMENTIA FFS.

I'm just... I'm so tired. Of all of it. And the bullshit. Just all the bullshit. I can't even anymore.

I have edited the Horror High one-shots like six times now and every time I think they're good and I print them and put them in the binder and then I look at them again and find more mistakes or things I want to change and end up editing them again and printing them again and I am going through SO MUCH paper and ink doing this I just. I need to stop. To that end, I edited them again yesterday and printed them (again) and put them in the binder and I have decided I am DONE. THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE, FOR BETTER OR WORSE.

...I think I'm just hyperfocusing on the editing to keep my mind off of Poe and stuff, though, tbh. They still haven't replied to my last email and their Insta stories are making me worry and I just want to know they're okay. Like I don't know why they moved or where they moved to, but they don't seem to be doing well there and I just... fuck, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have sent that email after all. I know I put the kibosh on our friendship FOR THEM but I hate to see them having such a hard time and not being able to do anything about it. It HURTS.

I hate this.

Anyway.

So I've been doing superfluous editing and working on writing to try to keep my mind off it as much as possible, but it's hard. I'm working on notes for a new original project, The Rabid, which is a zombie apocalypse... ish. Thing. Kind of more classic zombie apocalypse setting than My Zombie, while also not TECHNICALLY being a zombie apocalypse at all? idk I'm just tinkering with the notes for it right now and we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.

I'm back up to 8 tabs open in Word again because I shut them all down and then immediately start opening them back up again, or adding new ones. Part of it right now is that I'm so worried about Poe I need ALL THE THINGS to focus on to try to keep my mind off it, I guess. But I really do need to shut most of them down again. Even TKA could be shut down until November, since I'm going to work on it for the NaNo, which of course means it's officially cursed. :|

I got all the stuff out of my storage bins to make candles like three days ago and I still haven't made any. I need to get on that, really. It's not like it's hard. It's just that the motivation isn't there for ANYTHING right now, except a little writing, so...

It's the same reason I've had the milk in the house for making rice pudding for like three weeks and haven't gotten around to it. And I asked for my parents to pick up sweet potatoes and cream so I could try making sweet potato pie and that was a week ago. I just... don't CARE about anything right now. I think I'm more depressed than I'd like to admit, tbh.

Last night we watched the premier of Brilliant Minds and Lee was bitchy the entire time because we weren't watching Chesapeake Shores but FUCK Lee, Brilliant Minds was actually really good and I am always up for some Zachary Quinto! I'm hoping it catches on because I really enjoyed it, but I think with it's House Vibes and the Zachary Quinto factor it might have a chance. Fingers crossed!

Oh, and my Aunt actually managed to convince Grandma to move to the new care home, so they're moving her on Wednesday, which is, in fact, tomorrow. And by "they" I mean "we" because I stupidly volunteered to help even though they're moving her right in the freaking middle of my Bad Pill Time. So I have to get up an hour and a half early tomorrow to take my pills early and hope they're done making me VIOLENTLY ILL before it's time to leave to move Grandma.

I know she needs to be in the care home, but she's going to be sharing a room with someone and I don't see that working out very well. =/ Also now that she's in Orillia she's really expecting me to come visit her like... A LOT. And I just... I can't handle being around her in the state she's in. Which is a horrible thing to say and makes me feel like a terrible person, but my own mental illness can't HANDLE her dementia and every time I see her now I come home after ward and just SOB.

Like Christmas is my favorite day, when we all get together, and last year was TERRIBLE because of the way she is now, I HATED it, and this year is going to be even worse. I don't even want to go to CHRISTMAS because of this, and I just... I feel like such an awful person. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I can't HELP it...

EDIT: Also, my image hosting site is being stupid and I don't know why and it's really pissing me off. >|

So I'm out of money. I can't mail Poe's parcel this month, it's going to have to wait until October (I have like 3 different government payments coming in in October) which sucks, I really wanted to mail it ASAP. But shopping yesterday cost more than I thought it would, plus the extra money I owed mom (I owe her an extra $90 next month, too) and I'm just... broke. Which is nothing new, really, but still blows.

I can't buy plants for in the aquarium this month, either, which sucks. But I've at least got it up and cycling now, if nothing else, with the terracotta hides in it and the one filter. Today I'm adding the second filter and the two air stones.

Today I'm also going to de-pot my pothos (Sam) and my two new vines (Dean and Castiel, both philodendron variants) to "plant" in the top of it and we'll see how that goes. My baby spider plant (Miles) is growing roots now so I should be able to plant him any day and grow him up to a suitable size for the aquarium, too (since right now he is itty-bitty.)

My huge spider plant (Peter) just started growing a stem to grow spider babies of his own, so he must be happy. I just moved him to the window in my bedroom a couple months ago and he's doing really well there, so that's good.

I just realized most of my plants are "boys" and I don't really know why. Maybe because they're named after my favorite characters in movies/TV/etc. and most of THEM are boys? I guess that tracks. I do have Isley (philodendron, named after Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy from Batman) and Alice (umbrella tree, named after Alice from the Resident Evil movies), though, so it's not ENTIRELY a boys' club.

Speaking of Isley, her pot fell from where it was hanging about a week and a half ago, which I'm pretty sure I talked about before but whatever. Turns out the ceiling hook wasn't actually in wood, just the drywall and it just gave out. When she fell, though, her pot broke and we had to repot her, but her vines were SO long and twisted up... by the time we got finished untangling her to actually repot her, half her vines had snapped off. Now she's scraggly and scruffy looking. It's sad because she was so full and beautiful before. But I know she'll grow back, it'll just take time.

I'm going to plant my pothos clipping, the one I took off Sam last month, in an actual pot with dirt today. So far it's been just chillin' in its glass of water, growing roots. It doesn't have a name yet, I need to decide on a good one for it. Maybe a girl's name this time. I'm thinking maybe Bella or Charlie. Leaning more toward Charlie.

I think neither of my pink princess philodendron clippings are going to work out. One of them already died and the other one is just.... sitting there. Doing nothing. idk how long it's supposed to take for them to grow roots, but I feel like it's probably been too long at this point? I'm going to have to break down and just try to order a full plant from somewhere. Actually, on second thought, I'm going to call my (eventual) pink princess "Charlie" and call my new pothos "Bella." *bangs gavel* IT IS LAW.

I still have clippings off of Isley and a clipping off of Bucky that I'm trying to propagate, too, but so far nada. I think I might just give up on them soon. But since I've got Dean and Castiel now they're slightly less important anyway. :P

I ordered a macrame plant hanger off aliexpress, it's like a double hanger for smaller plants, to go in the other side of my window, opposite of Peter. I was originally going to put my pink princess philodendrons in it once they rooted EXCEPT. So I guess Bella can go in one section and... something else can go in the other. Maybe Miles, once he's big enough to go in an actual pot with dirt. At least until he moves to the aquarium, anyway.

Until recently I had kind of forgotten how much I enjoy plant husbandry. I had a veritable GREENHOUSE in my old apartment because it had so many huge windows and it was so warm in there all the time, the plants LOVED it and I had DOZENS of them, all different varieties. I got really into houseplants at that point and then when I moved in with Grandma, it just... well. My mental health got WAY worse and it took literally EVERYTHING to keep up with just the CATS, never mind the PLANTS. Besides which I'd had to give away like 28 of my plants when I moved in there because there was nowhere to put them all, and it turned out that house how WAY too little light for plants anyway. When I moved out and in here with Mom and Lee, I brought a couple of my plants with me from Grandma's but she didn't take care of the ones I had to leave behind and they all died. I have regrets, there.

But now, even though this place only gets ambient light (mostly), I've got it pretty much filled to capacity with plants. Lots of vines, a money tree, an umbrella tree, spider-plants, an aloe vera, that kind of thing. I think I'm pretty much done for now though, with the exception of getting my hands on a pink princess philodendron and the aquatic plants for the axolotl tank, just because we're running out of room.

Mom keeps rolling her eyes at me and my plants but they're important to me, I get a lot of peace out of them, and honestly I think she likes them too, because she used to try to keep plants when I was a kid and always failed at it, so now it must be nice to have the greenery in the house. Only a couple of the plants here right now are actually HERS, so when I move out most of them are going with me, but at least now she knows it's possible, right? Just with the right kind of plants.

Anyway. That's my plant rambles for today. Signing off (for now.)

So yesterday when Mom and I attempted to visit Grandma and failed because the highway was shut down? We saw on the news last night that it was because someone parked an SUV in the middle of the highway, abandoned it there, and then ran off and called in a bomb threat for the vehicle. It turned out to be a hoax but they still had to treat it like the real thing. All that for a prank? Fucking asshole.

Anyway, today Mom and I DID go visit Grandma, and... yeah. It went about as well as I expected it to. She was thrilled with the chocolate covered raisins Mom brought her, but didn't even say thank you for the books I brought her for her birthday. That hurt more than I imagined it would. She talked in circles a lot. Talked about people in the past that I never knew and told stories I couldn't relate to. Told us she would rather be dead than be there-- apparently that's a common one when Mom goes to visit.

After a little over an hour I was DONE, I just couldn't take it anymore, and Mom could see that in my eyes I guess (she told me that later, that at about the hour mark I just started to shut down) and made our excuses so we could start to leave. "Start to" because, as is customary with all of our family, it took us another 20 minutes to actually get out the door.

And I feel HORRIBLE. I HATE how much I hate being around my Grandma right now, because she's my GRANDMA and I LOVE HER SO MUCH, but I just CAN'T. I cried on the way home and I'm on the verge of crying again just typing this. My own mental state isn't strong enough to deal with Grandma the way she is now and it just... it fucking SUCKS. That's what.

Okay, so. Visiting Grandma has been put off until tomorrow, but not for lack of trying. Mom and I left here and got all the way to Barrie where we ran into a traffic snarl and then... the highway was just closed down. They were diverting traffic into Barrie and we hadn't even gotten to the Innisfil turn-off yet. We were supposed to get to Grandma's around 12:45 and be able to spend an hour and a half (or so) with her before we had to leave to get home in time for my doctor's appointment, but at that rate we weren't going to make it to either. So we had to call Lee and get HIM to call Grandma and let her know we were turning around and would try again tomorrow.

TOMORROW WE ARE GOING TO VISIT GRANDMA. And it's not ON her birthday, which kind of sucks, but at least we're making the effort, right? And hopefully the traffic will cooperate tomorrow as opposed to it being a BITCH to us today. (Also it's supposed to be cooler tomorrow, so there's that.)

EDIT: Went to my appointment with Dr. K, talked about a lot of things. Got a prescription for my skin/acne, and she wants to do blood work to check my hormone levels because there's a chance some of my problems are because I'm pre-meopausal. Joy. Also I'm supposed to get more protein into me to help curb my appetite, but all the suggestions she made aren't feasible in this house so protein powder it is! Joy again. Otherwise everything went okay. My next appointment is halfway through November.

Came home and immediately had to start on making dinner. Lemon chicken picatta casserole. It'll be ready to go in 15 minutes. <3

Tomorrow morning I AM getting up and going for a walk first thing. I have to get exercising more. Get back into shape.

Yesterday Mom and I went up to the Walkabout festival in Baysville, and it was actually a really good time. The weather was super nice (though around one or two o'clock the UV started to go up and I could feel myself beginning to cook; I managed not to get a sunburn, though!) and this year the booths seemed SPECIFICALLY TAILORED to Mom and I. Like I could have spent SO MUCH MONEY. As it was I blew through $75 while I was there, and I had to borrow $60 OF THAT from Mom. :|

Anyway, so admission is always by donation, so Mom just donated whatever change she had in her change purse (probably around $3.50) and I had dug $5 out of my change jar for that exact purpose so I donated that. The donations go toward stuff around Baysville like the library, the fire department, the horticultural society, that kind of thing, so I feel good about donating to them no matter how much I donate.

Then literally the FIRST BOOTH, right out of the gate, was a booth selling Tibetan singing bowls and chakra drums, and little miniature replica Tibetan skull bowls (made out of resin) that were TOO CUTE FOR ME TO PASS UP. So I picked through them and found THE ONLY ONE THAT WASN'T BROKEN and there went my first $20. LITERALLY THE FIRST BOOTH. *FACEPALM*

After that we poked around a few other booths for about half a block until I suddenly spotted the booth that sells the heat wraps! I got SUPER excited because they were at the Walkabout like... six years ago? Or something. And I got one of their long skinny heat wraps (they're like Magic Bags but prettier and cheaper) and kind of hummed and hawed over getting a square one as well before deciding against it. And I've been kicking myself ever since. The next year I went back, hoping to get one, and they weren't there, so I've CONTINUED kicking myself all this time. BUT THEY WERE THERE THIS YEAR. So I picked out a really pretty square flax seed heat wrap and bought it SO FAST. I AM SO PLEASED. (But there went another $25.)

Next was a booth that had all kinds of antique jewelry and stuff, but in with the antique JEWELRY were a bunch of fossil shark teeth-- INCLUDING A MEGALODON TOOTH. I mean, for a Meg tooth it's small, but it STILL COUNTS. It's tip is broken off as well. BUT IT STILL COUNTS GODDAMMIT. The guy sold it to me for $5 because it was broken, but I KNOW if I was to put it up on ebay I could probably get at least $100 for it. Not that I'm GOING to put it on ebay, I am FAR to tickled to OWN A MEGALODON TOOTH to ever want to part with it. :3

We looked at one booth that sold really nice wreaths and Mom considered getting one for the front door, but in the end she decided against it, which is too bad because a couple of them were really pretty. They WERE like $50/each though, and she was like "I don't know if I want to pay that kind of money for something I wouldn't even want hanging on my door all year round" which. Valid.

After the wreaths we found the popcorn booth, they were selling kettle corn in all kinds of flavors, and we bought three bags; two caramel for Mom and Lee and one rainbow for me (I love rainbow popcorn, I AM A CHILD I KNOW.) And then after that we went to Miss Nelle's for ice cream, where we got the SMALLEST CONES WE COULD AND THEY WERE STILL 
FUCKING GINORMOUS. I couldn't even finish mine. I got Creamy Orange (I should have got Raspberry Lemon Lime like I usually do) and Mom got Muskoka Mocha. But the only reason I could eat it at all is because I'd remembered to pack my dairy digestive pills in my bag before we left the house that morning. Those things are a LIFE SAVER.

Aaaaaand then we started back down the opposite side of the festival!

I stopped at the OSPCA booth because they had buttons on their table and I was like "how much are your buttons?" and the lady was like "they're free, you can take as many as you like!" and I was like "BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO DONATE ANYWAY" and she went "YOU COULD ABSOLUTELY DO THAT" so I donated $5 to the OSPCA and they gave me three new buttons for my collection. We also chatted with her about how we donate food/toys/blankets/accessories/etc. when we can. Really, I very rarely make monetary donations to the OSPCA, I save my monetary donations for the Comfy Cat Shelter because that's where Kali came from and they don't get any actual FUNDING, but I made an exception yesterday.

A couple of booths after that I found one that was selling freaking DINOSAUR MOOD RINGS and HOW COULD I SAY 
NO TO THAT? So I bought myself a velociraptor mood ring for $5. It's like a $1 ring at best, but everything is always SO EXPENSIVE at these things, so it wasn't a surprise. And that was basically it for me! I was next thing to broke! :D;

Oh, and Mom found some new leather driving gloves, which is cool because her old ones basically fell apart on her last winter. >>;

Lee had sent $20 with Mom in case there were any places selling buttertarts, and we found a couple, and MOM BOUGHT THEM. I, personally, would not have, because they were $20 FOR SIX FREAKING TARTS, but whatever Lee wanted them and it was her call so. Good for them, I guess? Whatever. (I don't even like buttertarts, personally.)

After that we went to the Bethune Church barbecue. Bethune Church is the church that Grandma used to attend when she was still well and living in Baysville, and they always have a barbecue at the Walkabout, and we always get lunch there to support them even though I don't necessarily believe in organized religion. They're still good people and there's nothing wrong with their food, plus I feel like I'm representing Grandma a little by doing it, even though she couldn't be there.

Grandma was actually supposed to come with us yesterday, we had it all worked out, my Aunt and Uncle were going to bring her and the five of us were going to all go together, and Grandma was going to kind of set up a chair at the church barbecue and spend time with her friends, but at the last minute she cancelled (because she has a foot thing, it's complicated) so Mom and I just went alone. But we were at least able to say hi for her, and the Pastor (I will give this Church credit, their Pastor is female and gay) gave us a mini-Jesus figure to take back with us for Grandma the next time we see her (probably next week for her birthday.)

And I think that's it. On the way out of town we stopped at the convenience store and I bought us both drinks with my last $5 and we were off!

It was actually a really good day, though there were no carts selling cotton candy or candy apples (boo), but I guess I got a freaking MEGALODON TOOTH so I shouldn't complain too much. XD I'd like to go again next year, assuming the weather is good! Last year it was cancelled because of rainstorms, which was too bad, and of course there were a couple years of Covid where they couldn't have a FESTIVAL, obviously, but. Yeah. I have a lot of good memories of the Walkabout over the years. I like to go when I can. <3

EDIT: Oh, also, there was a booth that was selling really quirky candles for EXORBITANT PRICES so I didn't buy any, BUT they gave me a REALLY good idea for how to make some cheap, simple candles using my wooden wicks that I think might sell well on Etsy! There was also another booth that was selling little plant globes that they had made into dioramas with little pop culture figures and stuff and I might try my hand at that at some point as well. SUCH good ideas at this Walkabout!

Went to my Grandma's old house (Now my Uncle and Aunt's) today to move some of my stored stuff around.

I've been buying books for Grandma, crossword books and reading books, for her birthday (August 1st), and I also have some in my thriftbooks.com cart for her for Christmas this year too. And I was talking to Mom about all that, and about how I was going to get her more crosswords for her birthday next year, and she just... told me not to buy them so far in advance. Only to buy them like a month before the event.

So I guess we're to the point with Grandma that we're worried she could pass away in the next few months, which, I didn't realize we were THERE yet. I know she has dementia, and a septic toe that's taking forever to heal because she's elderly, and afib, but I didn't know we were... like. EXPECTING her to die. And it's such a shock, a slap to the face, like someone threw cold water over me.

As much as I have trouble visiting her right now because of the dementia, because it's hard to sync up the person she is now with the person I remember her being my whole life, I'm not ready for her to DIE, I... I'm literally crying just typing this out. She's GRANDMA. She can't just DIE. She's ALWAYS been there. But then I felt the same way about Grandpa, too, before he passed away...

I hate that I'm to this point in my life, when people who are SO important to me can just pass away and it's normal, it's natural, I just have to accept it because what else can I do? I want to go back and re-do the last twenty years, only better. But I can't, obviously, so I'm just... yeah. Yeah.

This morning I spent like $130 of my limited funds on books from thriftbooks.com. Basically, Grandma has read a couple of books recently (Born Free, and another one about raising bear cubs to be released into the wild) and REALLY enjoyed them, but the retirement home she's in has a limited library (it's sad, really, even though Grandma thinks it's ENORMOUS) so she couldn't find any more along those lines and none of the other kinds of books they have interest her.

SO. I set out to find her some more books! I got her A Wolf Called Wander and A Whale Of The Wild by Roseanne Parry, The Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford, Hatchiko Waits by Leslea Newman and My Friend Flicka and Thunderhead by Mary O'Hara. I'm still looking for more, but that's a good start! I'm going to give her some for her birthday in August and some either before Christmas (if she finishes them quickly) or FOR Christmas, and in the meantime I'm going to keep looking for more.

Oh! I also pre-ordered A Horse Named Sky by Roseanne Parry, and I think it comes out next month. So that one too. <3

(There are SO MANY horse books, it's actually hard finding books about other animals lol.)

But while I was at it (because come on it's thriftbooks), I got myself some books as well: Let The Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist, Rampage: Canadian Mass Murder and Spree Killing by Lee Mellor (it was recommended on a podcast I'm currently in the middle of listening to) and Battlesaurus: Rampage at Waterloo because it's about if Napoleon had freaking dinosaurs in his army AND IT SOUNDS FUCKING HILARIOUS AND EPIC OKAY. Also there is a sequel, Battlesaurus: Clash of Empires that I will likely be picking up as well.

The Battlesaurus books just randomly came up in the "since you liked this, you might like this!" on thriftbooks and I was like ASDGH;KL YES PLEASE. XD

My taste in books is, um... eclectic. :D;;

EDIT: Okay, I couldn't help myself, I ordered the second Battlesaurus book, as well as Secrets Of The Wolves, Spirit Of The Wolves and Promise Of The Wolves by Dorothy Hearst because I stumbled upon them in my search for books for Grandma and they sounded really good. >>;

Just got an email from Mom. Or, rather, I just looked at an email from Mom. She sent it a couple hours ago, but I was out at the mall with Maddie and Chloe so I didn't get it until we got home a few minutes ago.

Uncle Lawrence died. It was his 80th birthday and he had a heart attack.

I guess Grandma was down in Arkansaw visiting Uncle Bob and Aunt Jean (Jean has cancer and has only a few months to go) and then on the way back she stopped to visit Uncle Lawrence for his birthday, and then this happened. She's still in Niagara now, helping to plan the funeral and everything...

Mom says she's likely to go down to Niagara for the funeral on Tuesday. I wish I could go, but it's just not possible. I hope everything goes well.

I'm very worried about Grandma, though; she lost one of her sisters just a couple years back, then Grandpa died of cancer, and now her other sister is dying of cancer as well, and her brother just passed away. That's probably why Mom is so adamant she'll be there for the funeral. Grandma probably couldn't handle this by herself...

That's it for now.

I'm working on a full Otakon-and-etc. update and hopefully it'll be posted soonish.

I hope everyone out there had a great Christmas! ^_^

My Christmas was good, I'm happy to say. All of December had been really stressful and depressing and I've been having a lot of trouble, so I wasn't really looking forward to Christmas because the 24/25/26th are always the most busy days for our family. But I was actually able to relax and enjoy things, which was nice.

On the 24th I did very little, just hung out around the house and cleaned, played with the cats and finished last-minute gift stuff.

That day a package from Maddie and Chloe came in the mail, which made me really happy. ♥ It had Cheesy Enchilada Hamburger Helper (♥!!), some lotion that I wanted for Lois and my Christmas gift in it; some pretty beads, and a bracelet with matching earrings that Maddie made-- they are gorgeous, and I LOVE them, and they even matched my Christmas outfit perfectly, so I wore them to the family get together on the 26th, where I got lots of compliments on them. :3

The next morning Mom picked me up around 11 and took me and all my gifts for everyone over to her place, and we finished up the last bits of cooking/baking for the family gathering. Then Grandma got there around 1pm, and we all exchanged gifts.

I gave Grandma her souvenirs from my trip to the US in the summer (finally lol) and her Christmas present was a glass vase with decorative butterflies and a candle. I got Lee a wall clock shaped like a guitar (a Gibson, which is the one he uses most out of his actual guitars), and some blank VHS tapes because the ones he's using right now are old and wearing out. Then I got Mom a decorative 3D wolf plate, two scented oil infusers, and copies of The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons on DVD. I also got two gifts that were for both of them; a wall sign ("Pomeranian Crossing" haha) and a bag of goodies (chocolates, cookies, etc.). And I got my brother three couch pillows (I got them at Matsuricon from the wonderful and insanely talented NeonDragon) and a copy of Gwenhwyfar by Mercedes Lackey. ♥

As for me, I got a whole set of new bakeware (two cookie sheets, two round cake tins, a loaf pan, a rectangular cake pan, a muffin pan and a pizza pan!!), an electric mixer (eee!! ♥♥), a DVD copy of Independence Day (to replace my worn-out VHS one), a zombie movie DVD set (Last of the Living; Grave Mistakes; Awaken The Dead and I Am Omega; my brother tells me I'm supposed to tell you all "HEAD NOMMING GOODNESS!"), money from Grandma, and a notebook that is my favourite thing I got this year. It's completely handmade including the paper, and free-trade. It's cover is etched leather with intricate designs and a pentagram on the front. X3!! It's going to be my recipe book, but Imma call it my spell/potion book lol.

And my brother got me the first season of Xena: Warrior Princess, but I already had it, so it's got to be exchanged for something else. Ah well~

Then we had dinner and everyone else played cards for a while. I, meanwhile, dyed my hair back to my natural colour so it would look nice for the family gathering, and also because I was sick of having the huge dark stripe down the middle of my head lol. XD

I went to bed pretty early that night because I had to get up early-ish the next morning to make the dip for the get-together (it took an hour in the slow cooker.) Then we all got dressed and ready and packed everything up, and headed out around 11am.

Now, a couple days earlier I had been surfing Kijiji, looking for a new terrarium for Aya because he's starting to outgrow his current one. I found one for $45 (as compared to $250 for a brand-new one), but it was in Barrie. But we were driving right through Barrie to get to my Uncle and Aunt's place for Christmas, so I asked if we could just stop to pick it up on the way past.

So I got it and brought it home last night after everything... and then kind of thought about it and it's kind of tall and thin, which is much better for an aquarium for fish than a snake terrarium. So I decided to set it up as an aquarium (I miss having fishies anyway) and found another terrarium that's more suitable for Aya's needs. It's being delivered tonight. :)

Anyway!

We got to the get-together around 1-ish and set up all the snacks and appetizers and everything, and then sat around and visited and just generally caught up with everyone until it was dinner time.

THEN THERE WAS TURKEY. ASDGH YUMMY!! X3 ♥♥♥

lol and after dinner we set out the desserts (there was a TON of delicious stuff!) and started the gift exchange (we all bring an anonymous gift, then we draw numbers and each of us can either open a new gift or steal someone else's.) There was a lot of good stuff this year; a couple nice blankets, a box of chocolates, a tea set, a set of glass bakeware and etc. I ended up with the glass bakeware (which I do kind of need for doing casseroles and that kind of thing, but Lee had ended up with a set of china popcorn bowls that he would never use (and neither would Mom or my bro) so I traded them. The bowls are actually good sizes; the big one can be used as a mixing bowl, and the smaller ones for a variety of things. Plus I can always borrow the glassware if I need to. XD;;

It was fun and very enjoyable. The only semi-bad part was that I had a run-in with a peanut butter cookie. =/

Aunt Clare had brought a tray of desserts, and most of them she had made but she included a few that a friend of hers had made too, and some of them turned out to have peanut butter in them. It was my fault too, because I'm so used to not having to worry about peanuts at family functions (because they all know about my allergy), I wasn't as careful as I normally am. But as soon as I bit into it I knew there was peanut butter in it, and spat it out without actually swallowing. Then I rinsed my mouth out. A LOT.

Poor Clare felt so bad about it, but it wasn't her fault. And I was fine (with the exception of a headache from it later; my peanut allergy actually gives me migraines) so it wasn't a big deal. I just took some aspirin and that was that. :)

Soooo... we all visited some more, and then around 8pm we decided it was time to start heading home. We packed up (I took some desserts home with me because I'm baaaad lol), and on the way out the door Uncle Alec and Aunt Brenda gave me a couple of Cat Cubes for my kitties to play in. THE CATS ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM LMAO.

Once we got back to Orillia, we went to Mom and Lee's place and unpacked what we had to, then packed up the rest of my things and Lee drove me home, where my cats were waiting to AMBUSH me because it was after their dinner time and they were STARVING TO DEATH.

So I fed them and put some things away... then decided screw it and just shoved everything into a corner so it was all out of the way and went to bed. I was exhausted, and besides that my head still hurt from the Peanut Encounter (tm). I slept really well, though 'Dion spent all night insisting on being cuddled up under my chin. He has separation issues. >>;

Then today I went downtown to pick up some more reptile bark (for Aya's new terrarium) and a bunch of river rocks for the aquarium. I also got a fish net and a larger hide for Aya since he's outgrown his old one.

After that I spent a couple hours cleaning the apartment and setting the aquarium up. I also called and talked to my brother for a few minutes, and we ended up deciding he was going to come over and hang out for the day. So he showed up a while later and we watched the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still and now we're watching 2012. And I made lasagna and garlic toast for dinner. Yay! :D

And that's about it.

Oh, except that the landlord for the apartment I'm moving to sent me the address today, so I looked it up on Google Earth. It's in a really nice neighbourhood, only two blocks from a grocery store, and only a couple blocks from the park/lake. X3 It's so awesome!!

I still need to go and actually look at the place, but what the hell, it can't be worse than where I am now, right? I'm 99% sure I'm going to take it. ♥

I do need to call Mom and coordinate with her a day we can go and look at it, though... hopefully in a couple days. Hmm.

EDIT: New Terrarium has been delivered, and Aya is all set up! ♥ His new home is much bigger and perfect for him, and will be for the rest of his hopefully long life. :)

And the pet store I got him from has already ordered my new Kenyan Sand Boa, which I will be picking up in February. Her name will be Nyoka (an African name meaning "snake"), and she will be moving into Aya's old terrarium. Since she won't get as big as Aya will, it'll be fine for her and I won't have to worry about upgrading~