Sena's DW :: Watermelon Life

So, I am up to 32 necklaces 9 bracelets and 8 pairs of earrings since I first got sick, but I'm starting to slow down a bit, partly because my tendonitis is SCREAMING at me, partly because I had to order a bunch of replacement parts for stuff I've mostly used up, and partly because I think I'm just getting jewelry-ed out. :| lol.

With my head all fuzzy from being sick I haven't been able to work on writing, hence all the jewelry stuff, but the last couple of days I've started working on Of The Deepest Dye again and I'm about 1/3 of the way through the last chapter, and I've already written both epilogues (the Nero/Jenial/Prince one and the Eskalynne one) as well, so I just have to finish up the last chapter and the EDIT THE ENTIRE THING UGH. But who knows when I can start posting it, because AO3 is down after a hacking attempt and won't be back for like at least a month. Boo. :P

As for being sick itself, I'm slowly getting better but my sinuses are still mildly infected and my lungs are still JACKED. I have maybe HALF of my already shitty lung function atm, but at least my coughing has backed off a lot and Pluto doesn't have to run screaming every time I cough anymore (just sometimes.) I've actually lost 7-8 pounds since I got sick, which is outrageous considering the amount of FOOD I'VE BEEN EATING LIKE JFC. I've been craving protein, so I've been eating sandwiches and yogurt, and tuna melts a TON, like twice as much food as I eat normally, it's ridiculous. And breaking my diet because the sandwiches are made with chicken breast lunch meat. =/ idk, just a weird thing about this go with being sick. As usual, I'll know when I'm really getting over it when I start craving hamburgers lol.

Right now I'm watching SPN all the way through again. I watched all 15 seasons twice back-to-back not too long ago, but my SPN USB drives were acting up so I had to wipe them and re-burn them again, and now I have to watch the whole series again to make sure they aren't still glitchy. I DID take a break in-between to watch all of Criminal Minds just for something different, but now I'm BACK TO IT. SPN ALL THE WAY BITCHES. (Okay but seriously I want to be watching something else right now ahaha.)

Yesterday was shopping day for me, so Mom took me out and we both STRUGGLED because we were both still so sick, but we got it done. The cat litter and bottled water is still in the trunk of the car, though, because neither of us was in any condition to carry it in. =/ We'll get it in the house somehow, though, just maybe not for a couple more days. I might try to case of water later today...

Last night was Halloween and we got our normal 8 whole children, so we had a TON of leftover candy and chocolate, which we split up between us (me, Mom and my Stepdad), but honestly, the kids around here just pile up into cars and drive to rich neighbourhoods to Trick-or-Treat rather than coming around the co-op anymore. Halloween used to be super energetic and enthusiastic around here when I was a kid but no one even bothers anymore, and it's really disappointing every year, now. :/

1) So, since the Comfie Cat Shelter rejected my application for some reason that they won't even tell me, I went back to browsing kijiji for adoptable kittens. I found some good prospects, but most of them didn't message me back. One guy DID message me back to say that he thought he had one orange kitten left (he just had to check with his daughter, but it was a good probability it was up for grabs) but then never messaged me again after that.

Another guy, the guy that I'm going to end up getting a kitten from, had currently-three-week-old kittens that will be ready to go on November 24th-ish. That actually works better for me because it gives me more time to get all the kitten-y stuff together before I go to pick it up. I chose a grey kitten (because the only orange one was already spoken for, boo) and all the grey kittens are female, so I think I'm going to name her "Venus" to go with "Pluto." I was considering "Saturn" but Saturn is a GOD not a GODDESS, so that doesn't work haha. She's going to cost me $50. I remember when mix breed kittens on kijiji were just free. :| lol.

2) The day before yesterday Mom went to the supplements store and came out with a bag full of stuff, mostly for me. So, yesterday I started taking Mullein (liquid in a dropper), Alpha Lipoic Acid (pills) and NAC (N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine, also pills.) The Mullein and the NAC are for healthy lung function, and the Alpha Lipoic Acid is for healthy blood sugar support. I haven't got much to say about the Alpha Lipoic Acid and NAC yet, but the Mullein started working almost immediately. The problem is that it eases my breathing a bit (but even a BIT is a HUGE DEAL) but it makes me cough LIKE WHOA and I don't know what's worse. I'm supposed to take it three times a day and I'm going to keep taking it for a few more days and see what happens, because apparently it can get better as time goes by, but if the coughing doesn't ease up I might have to stop taking it all together. =/

3) I've made a BUNCH of new necklaces over the last couple of days, so many that the tendonitis in my hands is hurting like crazy. A couple of them started out really well and then fell apart in the end and I had to remake them, which was a pain in the ass, but I mean, it happens sometimes I guess.

The BIG problem is that I can't even post them to my Etsy because of stupid fucking Trump's tariff war (someone needs to deal with that asshole, I mean seriously.) In fact, I really need to take down what I DO have up in my shop before someone miraculously buys something and I'm fucked because of the tariffs. Or at least change the shipping locations so it says I'll ship to everywhere but the US, just to be safe. Ugh. Everything about Trump's Presidency is such a Goddamn disaster. >/

A few days ago I once again brought up the idea of getting another cat with Mom and she said we had to discuss it with my Stepdad, too, because (obviously) he also lives here. So, we sat down and had a brief pow-wow on the subject, and then my Stepdad said he needed to think on it for a bit before giving a for sure response. (Fair.)

BUT THE NEXT DAY IT CAME BACK TO ME THAT HE HAD DECIDED (A LITTLE BIT GRUDGINGLY) THAT I COULD GET ANOTHER CAT AS LONG AS I WENT BY THE FOLLOWING:

1) That I finished clearing up the current mites problem in the house before bringing another cat into it. This makes total sense. I'm like 95% done dealing with it anyway, I just need to keep giving Pluto his Capstar until the 14th, then give him another dose of Advantage and continue the Capstar for a couple more days, at which point we need to "treat" the carpets and soft surfaces with the household flea and tick spray just to make sure. Easy peasy.

2) That I take it to the vet ASAP for shots and a wellness check-up so I know we're not bringing any MORE bugs of any sort into the house. However, I'm going to be adopting from the Comfie Cat Shelter, and the adoption fee includes spay/neuter, shots including rabies vaccine, Advantage flea treatment (just in case), deworming and a microchip, so I don't have to rush to get the new cat to the vet if it comes from CCS.

3) That I NOT just bring one of the stray neighborhood cats into the house. Again, makes total sense. Doing that you don't know what you're getting, except you're pretty much DEFINITELY getting fleas/ticks/mites/worms. This was only mentioned because I have a history of rescuing strays off the street in the past. :x

4) That I adopt a KITTEN, to make the introduction with Pluto as easy as possible. And this is a good point. Adult cats take much better to kittens than they do other adult cats, especially ones that are invading their territory, and I want this to go as easy on both Pluto and New Kitten as possible. The good thing is that Pluto has always gotten along with other cats (though he's the baby of my bunch; he's never been exposed to a kitten before) and he's pretty laid-back, so I think he'll spaz at first but he'll get used to the New Normal pretty quickly and he'll like having a play/cuddle buddy around again.

ANYWAY. Those were the rules!

I did some shopping around on kijiji initially, but ended up deciding on the Comfie Cat Shelter instead because they do good work and because their adoption fee covers SO MUCH. I've narrowed it down to two of the kittens on the website; Waffles, a grey-and-white male with polydactyl front paws, or Landon, an orange-and-white female whose name is the same as my Grandma's maiden name! (I would adopt them both but I can only have one because I already have Pluto and the co-op limits us to two cats/dogs or one of each.)

I submitted my adoption application on Friday, and I think it's good, I'm only concerned because they asked for reference contacts from people OTHER than family and I couldn't provide any. I have no friends, and I don't work so I have no professional contacts, either. Literally ALL I HAVE are family references. I explained all that on the application but we'll see I guess.

In any case, I've been looking into pet insurance for New Kitten because I really want to NOT have to deal with insane vet bills if/when it gets sick, and it looks like Fetch will insure me for about $35CAD a month, or $55CAD-ish a month if I want them to pay for the annual vet visits and shots and stuff too.

I also want to get an auto feeder for New Kitten, but it would have to be one like Pluto's to keep Pluto out of the kitten food, and it cost like $215 on Amazon. Mom pointed out that I could just feed the kitten by scoop in a bowl until it was big enough to be switched to adult food, and THEN get a new feeder for BOTH of them, since you can get two-dish autofeeders, they just dispense the same food to both dishes. Something to think about.

I went back to my The Encyclopedia Of Gods to look for good names, and I've narrowed it down to "Krishna" ("Krish") or "Indra" ("Indy") for a male, and "Sundara" ("Sunny") or "Morrigan" ("MorMor") for a girl. Even though the Comfie Cat Shelter includes a microchip with their adoption fee, I would still be getting New Kitten a collar with a name/phone number (and I need to get a new tag for Pluto as well, he's worn the phone number off of his. *facepalm*)

The first few days that New Kitten is in the house, it, Pluto and I are going to be sleeping in the basement with the door closed, to help Pluto and New Kitten get used to each other, to help New Kitten bond with me, and to make sure New Kitten knows EXACTLY where the litter boxes are. XD;;

tldr; SO EXCITED!! X3

A couple of weeks ago, I made the decision to switch to a pescatarian diet. Basically, it's a vegetarian diet except it includes seafood in the foods you can eat. So, theoretically, seafood, fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy. That's MOSTLY what I ate already, except for hamburger and the occasional bit of chicken or turkey.

My version of this diet has one big exception, though, and that's GRAVY, because you can pry my mashed potatoes & gravy and poutine from my cold, dead hands. The other thing I've decided, since I'm pretty sure I'll go into Toxic Shock from the lack of hamburger in my life, that at least at first, once in a while I'm going to allow myself a meal with hamburger, if one of my favorites comes up in dinner rotation (beef stroganoff, spaghetti squares, sweet & sour meatloaf, tacos, stuffed bell pepper casserole, etc.)

In a while when I get more used to the pescatarian diet, though, I figure I can cut even those out of my repertoire. *shrug*

I've experimented a little with the Impossible Ground Beef, the "hamburger" that's made out of vegetables. It works well in lasagna and chili, but is kind of ick in stroganoff. I can't be using it all the time anyway, since it costs like $11 per package, and Mom and my Stepdad refuse to help pay for it even when I'm cooking for all of us.

I think at the end of the month when I do my shopping I'm also going to pick up some "chicken" strips to try and see how those go over. They're going to be super expensive, too, I imagine. Anything healthy is, it seems. =/

Oh, and over the last week I've been working on making frozen meals for myself, too, to have when Mom and my Stepdad are having something for dinner that I either can't or won't eat. So far I have Taco Soup, Tuna Casserole, Scalloped Potatoes with Peas, Vegetarian Lasagna and Vegetarian Chili. I want to do Cabbage Roll Soup and Minestrone Soup, too, and some more Scalloped Potatoes (one Creamy with Mushrooms and one Cheesy with Broccoli.)

I'll figure out some other stuff, too. So, yeah.

I have a lot of THINGS, I mean material possessions. Books and DVDs and wall art, plushies and collectibles and beading supplies and GOD KNOWS I have a ton of shiny danglies. Then there's also my BJD collection. And do plants count? Because I have LOADS of them, but then again you have to nurture and care for them so idk.

Anyway, my point is that I have all these things, but I don't collect them in a materialistic kind of way, I just... I'm very unhappy with my life. And lonely. And being surrounded by my things helps to fill the void a little, the same way having cats does. (Pluto is legit my lifeline.)

I'm not saying that I don't LIKE my stuff and what I'm surrounded with. Clutter is my comfort zone. But I know that it's hard for other people to understand how much I NEED to have all the things I have. It's a mental health thing, and the fact that 90% of my stuff is currently in storage that I don't have access to is KILLING me.

It's a big part of why I hate how long the subsidized housing people are taking to get to me on the list. I want my own place again so that I can set up my shelves properly and have my things organized and available and AROUND ME. Moving down to the basement here will help, I think, but I'm stuck in a holding pattern on that until Mom measures the furniture in the basement to make sure it'll fit in the rooms upstairs.

But yeah, I just. It's a mental health thing, for the most part, like I said, so. Hm.

On the 7th, I picked up my new dentures from the Denturist; upper partials and lower partials. So, I guess that was eight days ago? And in the last week I've had to go back in FOUR TIMES to have the lower ones adjusted because they were completely JACKED. They rubbed painfully in spots, and would NOT stay in when I was trying to eat. Yesterday I went in and the Denturist adjusted them one final time and said that if they weren't good this time he would just have them entirely re-cast, but now they stay in place when I try to eat, the only problem is one little spot where they're still rubbing. I'm hoping he'll just agree to fix that spot so we don't have to start from scratch with the whole thing. =/

All of that aside, now that they fit properly they feel okay in my mouth, just WEIRD, but I'll get used to them. And eating with them hurts because it puts so much pressure on my gums and they need to toughen up a bit (a lot) before eating will be comfortable for me again. And there's a lot of things that I COULDN'T eat with them in right now, the tougher, harder things that require a lot of bite pressure. Yesterday I had some dumplings (soft) and they were a rousing success, and then some crackers (crunchy, mid-range hard) that were tougher to get through, and then out of curiosity I tried a sour key candy (HARD, CHEWY) and FAILED MISERABLY. I could barely even touch it.

Like, I understand that the dentures are necessary for eating purposes but right now they're actually making eating HARDER than when I'm not wearing them. It's frustrating. :(

EDIT: I just ate a sandwich successfully, so I guess... go me! :D;;

Not this past Saturday but the Saturday before that, Mom and I went to the Walkabout in Baysville. We go most years, depending on the weather, and this year it was nice and sunny so we went out for it. Originally, I had set aside $100 for the Walkabout, then I managed to add $10 more... and by the time the day came I was firmly at $80. *facepalm* But that's more than I usually manage to save up, so I guess I shouldn't complain haha.

I bought a couple things for me while we were there (a Zombie Captain America Pop!, a 3D printed articulated gecko that I named Lemonade and some crocheted Swiffer sweeper covers) but I spent WAY more money on LOIS, actually! I got her three pairs of stupidly expensive socks (pomeranians, chihuahuas and ones that say "my dog and I talk shit about you") and a butterfly ornament that I saw from a vendor at the park on Canada Day for $30 and passed on, but found at the Walkabout for freaking $12 lol.

By halfway through the Walkabout, though, Mom and I were both DYING from the sun and humidity, and I needed food, so we stopped at Miss Nelle's and I got a hamburger and we both got bottles of water. The second half of the Walkabout was covered much more quickly, though, because we were both pretty much done. But in general it was a pretty good day. :)

...I'm sick right now. Again. I have a terrible, barking cough that's trying to turn into an infection (PROBABLY FUCKING PNEUMONIA), I ache all over and my nose is running like a faucet (even more than usual.) I'm kind of like... yeah, that's par for the course. It's been a year since my last really bad lung thing, so I guess I was due, according to my screwed up body clock. :P

Over the last few months the scale says that I've lost about 25 pounds, which is enough that it should be really noticeable, but I look exactly the same. I don't really know what to make of this, but Mom warned me that before she was diagnosed with her cancer years back, she was losing weight without loosing inches. It doesn't make sense, but now I've got THAT on my mind, and they DID find a funny patch in my right lung on my last CT, apparently, and they haven't diagnosed what it is yet.

I almost hope it DOES turn out to be cancer because at least that would explain my freaking painful and whackadoo lung problems that NO ONE CAN SEEM TO DIAGNOSE from the last while. =/

Also, Pluto seems to have developed a mole or skin tag or something on his one side; I've stumbled upon it a couple of times while I've been petting him and right now I'm just kind of keeping an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get bigger. The last thing I need is my baby kitty having cancer, too. Though I guess we could potentially be cancer buddies, to try to look on the VERY SLIGHTLY bright side.

Anyway...

Recently I managed to get my hands on Evil Dead Burn and Spider-Man: Brand New Day. EDB was... overrated, I think. Have you ever watched a movie that just... tried too hard? Yeah, EDB definitely tried too hard. I much prefer the last one, Evil Dead Rise. *shrug* I'll still buy it on DVD for my collection when it comes out, I just won't watch it as often as the others. :P

As for SMBND, it was a fantastic movie, courtesy of Marvel, and they rarely miss. I still love Tom Holland as Peter/Spidey, and I loved the inclusion of Jean Grey and The Punisher. I spent 2/3 of the movie trying to place where I knew The Punisher from, and then I realized it was the same actor who played Shane on The Walking Dead. It was SO much better when that wasn't niggling at me anymore... XD;;

Starting today I started watching Fear The Walking Dead. So far it's good, but a little slow going. I WAS working on my umpteenth rewatch of Supernatural, but this time when I plugged in my SPN USB drive, I got to Season 5 or so and the files started getting glitchy. I think the stick is corrupted. I might have to download S01-S14 of SPN again and burn them onto another drive. So annoying.

AND FINALLY. BASEMENT NEWS.

Last night while we were all sitting around the dinner table, my Stepdad announced that since I'm for it and Mom's for it HE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SWAPPING ME INTO THE BASEMENT. :O I was SO sure he was going to say no that I didn't get my hopes up AT ALL. I was just WAITING to get shot down. BUT INSTEAD.

There are conditions. Like if we do this there's no changing my mind, we're not doing it all again. And before we settle on it entirely, Mom wants to measure the furniture in the basement and make sure that it'll fit in the bedrooms upstairs, which makes total sense. But this is promising! I'm excited!!

This past Thursday I went to the Dentist and had yet another tooth pulled. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. At least now all the work on my (existing) teeth is finished, so I can call the Denturist on Monday and make an appointment to start getting to work on my upper AND lower partials, now. I can't wait to have fucking TEETH again. ~__~;;

So, that night, my Stepdad went out for music and I got up the nerve to ask Mom why she's so set on not letting me adopt another cat/kitten. I fully expected to get snapped at and/or a lecture about something so I approached it very delicately, but Mom just sighed and told me it was because she was trying to convince my Stepdad to adopt another DOG, and the rules here in the co-op say you can only have two pets like cats/dogs at a time.

And I'm like... FUCK. Because she wants a SMALL dog and in general I HATE small dogs. I'm honestly not a big fan of dogs IN GENERAL, but small dogs are hyper, yappy, frustratingly annoying little things that for the most part I can't STAND. (The exception being Pomeranians; I have a nostalgic fondness for Poms.) But Mom wants a "small mutt", which like... NO THANK YOU.

Never MIND how PLUTO would react to a dog coming into the house. I think he would deal relatively well with a new cat, but he HATES dogs and has ever since we lived with Uncle Len and Clare and Gryphon and Huxley would chase the cats around the house (and Clare never told them to stop; she just laughed because it was obviously fucking hilarious how terrified my cats were.)

I just... I feel like Mom isn't thinking about anyone other than herself in this, and even if I DON'T adopt another cat/kitten, we should at LEAST think about PLUTO'S WELL-BEING. But I don't know how to explain that to Mom without making her really angry and so now all I can do is cry over it.

...

Anyway.

Today, Mom and I went to the Farmer's Market by the library (there's another one out by the roller skating rink) to have a look around, and we found pepperettes for my Stepdad (he was worried we wouldn't know what to look for but how hard is it to look for "mild"? lol.), and I found two plastic pins; one says "Ew, people." and the other says "Undiagnosed, but something ain't right." That booth had approximately a hundred pins I could have happily taken home with me, but I limited myself to just the two haha.

After that I got a hotdog and a Pepsi from the hotdog vendor, and ate about 3/4 of it before I had to hand off the rest to Mom to finish lol.

It was a nice little outing, even though it kept trying to rain.

Today is Grandma's Celebration Of Life and, as predicted, I didn't go. I feel HORRIBLY guilty for not going, for not being there for Grandma and to support Mom, I know she wasn't looking forward to it, but at least my Stepdad and my Aunts and Uncles and Alex are there for her to lean on, if no one else. But I have such a huge anxiety problem with crowds, especially crowds of strangers (and today would be 90% strangers to me) that I would have had a panic attack ten minutes in and had to leave-- but there's nowhere I could have GONE. I would have been trapped, and that would have made it a million times worse.

So, it was better that I not go so I didn't make a scene at Grandma's event, even if that means feeling guilty over the entire situation, now. I like to think Grandma would have understood, though. She knew how I am with crowds, I think she would have given me a pass. I'm there in spirit and that's what counts, anyway, right?

EDIT: I didn't go to her Celebration Of Life, but this afternoon I hung a set of butterfly wind chimes in the backyard-- in Grandma's memory, and to encourage her to send butterflies to visit us whenever she's thinking of us on the Other Side. <3

Dear C.A.,

First of all: I’m sorry for sending this c/o your work address, I just didn’t have your street address to mail it to. I would have rather done that. And I know I’m not allowed to set foot on your property, either, so this was my only option. I hope you understand.

But please don’t read this if it will upset you, okay? And please don’t read this if it will lead to legal action against me. Just scrap this right now if that’s the case. :|

Now, I know you’ll probably never make it through all of this, but I’m writing it anyway, mostly for myself, because I need the catharsis even after all these years. I’m hoping writing this letter will help with the pain I’m still feeling from when our friendship broke apart. Some kind of… closure… I guess. Fingers crossed, right?

So.

First off, I’m sorry for calling you out on Facebook the way that I did, years ago. It was childish, but I was frustrated and hurt and needed a way to vent. Like I pointed out before, though, I did make a point of not dropping your name or anything descriptive in my mini rant so no one except you would know who I was talking about. I understand that you were angry and this truth didn’t matter to you at the time, but I’m hoping that over the years you’ve realized that fact. I was trying to protect you even through my frustration. Of course I was. Besides which… I can’t see you getting any less upset if I had sent it to you privately via messenger, anyway.

I realize I angered you with that, though, and I once again apologize, but you hurt me IMMENSELY in the months that followed, and that’s something I haven’t been able to let go of, even after all this time.

You dragged things out for almost a YEAR, and you KNEW it was KILLING ME the entire time. And THEN you pulled our other mutual friends into it, and in the process killed all of my other close friendships. Left me all alone for YEARS. I lost EVERYONE because of you, and how DARE you think you could do that to another person over such a relatively small slip-up like I made to you?? It was HEARTLESS, C.A., not to mention CRUEL.

By the way, you accused me of buying Christmas gifts for S and G to manipulate you? At the time I said “I didn’t know what else to do” because I was desperate for the right thing to say, because nothing I was saying was good enough, but the truth was that I OFTEN bought gifts for S, at Christmas and for her birthday, and it was G’s first Christmas so why WOULDN’T I have bought things for them? Those gifts went to a garage sale, in the end, and it was a minor tragedy, but NONE OF THAT was me trying to manipulate you in ANY WAY.

Is S still a dinosaur girl? I hope she is, there aren’t enough of them in the world, in my opinion. I also have another dinosaur girl in my life, now, a step-grand-niece? Or something like that. My brother’s daughter’s daughter. Yeah. Her name is V and she’s absolutely CRAZY for dinosaurs. (I think she and Stella would’ve gotten along, except V is much younger than S.) Did G turn out to be a dinosaur girl, too?

I only ask because I’m such a dinosaur girl myself, still. I never outgrew that phase and likely never will. I have a Velociraptor tattoo, now, I’ve had it for a couple of years, and I’m hoping to get a Therizinosaurus on the same arm, maybe in the fall. I need to save up the money and book with Georgian Pines Studios (they’re expensive but they’re worth it), and I THINK they’re booking blocks for Sept/Oct next, so… *shrug* (Then a Dracorex Hogwartzia, a Parasaurolophus and a Triceratops on the same arm; a dinosaur sleeve.)

Speaking of dinosaurs, did the plants in those dinosaur planters I made for you survive for long or did they crash and burn really quickly? I’ve heard since then that plants don’t like to live in dinosaurs, and I’ve always been curious about the fate of yours…

Aaaand I got sidetracked there with the dinosaurs.

…

Looking back, I think you first started pulling away from me around the time we all went to Tobermory in 2016, and that’s probably entirely my fault. I’m sorry I couldn’t afford everything and you guys had to foot the bill for me; it was selfish of me to even go. I should have taken a pass, but it was Amazon (well, Glamazon) Weekend and… I wish we could have just gone to the cabin like we had before, in high school. Not that Tobermory wasn’t wonderful, but the cabin would have been easier. And free. No one would have had to worry about my personal costs.

I know I didn’t help myself later on, when I was in crisis, either, I got somewhat needy, even though I didn’t mean to, and looking back now I know that you were going through some things around that time, too, so it was selfish of me to expect you to help support ME when you needed help supporting YOURSELF. I wish you had talked to me about your problems more and we could have propped EACH OTHER up.

You got really upset when I went to Day Therapy the one time and then quit. And I know you didn’t understand, but they told me that Day Therapy would be three or four people and very low-key, and it WAS NOT. I had a panic attack and cried for almost the entire time I was there, and I just couldn’t face going back again. It was NOT the right fit for me. I’m aware I need therapy of some kind, but one-on-one therapy—the problem being that therapists and psychiatrists aren’t covered under my ODSP care plan, and I can’t afford them otherwise, so… I’m kind of stuck in limbo, I guess, and have been for years, and it SUCKS.

You know, when you sent me that Cease and Desist letter, I was disappointed and SO upset, my heart dropped out of my chest and I SOBBED (I’m glad I opened it at home and not at the post office), but Mom was APPALLED when she found out why I was breaking down. All I did was drop a gift off at your house, C.A., A GIFT. And I didn’t even ring your doorbell, so you didn’t have to see me or speak to me, I just left it on your doorstep. I thought I was doing a nice thing for you, and you came back with a Cease and Desist order from it? Thinking about opening that letter and reading it for the first time still makes me cry. It was months before I could bring myself to scrap it, though. I held onto it even though it hurt me that much…

…

Yeah. So. Personal updates, which you can ignore if you want to:

Did you know that you can get Fatty Liver Disease without drinking a DROP of alcohol? (I mean, I’ve drank a LITTLE alcohol over the years, but not much. You know what I’m saying.) Or that there’s an autoimmune disease, Hidradenitis Suppurativa, that causes HUGE abscesses to form in all your sensitive, delicate bits, which make you have to go to the hospital to have them drained, which is downright humiliating? (All the delicate bits are covered in scars now, too.) Or that you can develop Alopecia Universalis, but sometimes it comes and goes, it isn’t always a stable thing? (I got all my hair shaved off because it was falling out and then it started growing back in. Good thing I like short hair.) Or that allergies can change radically, get worse or better over time in adulthood? (I am allergic to basically everything except cucumbers and cocoa beans now, and almonds and pistachios can now kill me ffs. Oh, but I’m not allergic to cats anymore, so, bonus!) Or that there’s ANOTHER autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, that can literally fuse your spine together? (Looking forward to that!) Or that ten years after a Gastric Bypass, most people gain all the weight back? (And no one bothered to tell me that BEFORE I had my insides mangled??)

Yeah, my physical health hasn’t been great the last few years, I mean even worse than normal, and this is just the tip of the iceberg; and that’s nothing to say for my MENTAL health. I’m on so many psych meds I can’t even remember the names of them all, and I’m still… no, I’m not “still” anything, I’m probably worse off than I even used to be, I’m just better at hiding it than I was before.

…I tried to commit suicide twice in February of 2024, but it turns out I’m epically bad at THAT, too, and obviously it didn’t work, or I’d be writing this from beyond the grave. I’m not sure how I feel about failing, really. Sometimes I’m glad to be alive and sometimes I just wish like hell it had worked. I wrote out all my final wishes for Mom and my manifesto turned out to be around eleven pages long by the time I was done. I wanted to be cremated, and then have a tree planted in my name and my ashes poured in the hole meant for said tree before it was planted. I still want that.

I thought about writing a letter to you, in the ending moments, but I didn’t think you’d want to read it. I didn’t think you’d want to come to my wake, either, though to be honest not very many people would, I seem to have burned all my bridges between one thing and another, so you’d be in good company.

But then I WOKE UP the next morning, so the whole thing was moot.

Basically… I made a friend for the first time since you and the others dropped me, a REALLY good friend, and then they ghosted me completely out of the blue and my entire world crumbled (again.) Poe was possibly the best friend I’ve ever had, except maybe for you, and they just… anyway, yeah. That’s what tipped me over the edge, but it wasn’t the entire story. You get the idea.

I haven’t tried again since those two times, mostly because I got diagnosed and medicated for ADHD and my brain is no longer a giant bag of cats scratching at the inside of my skull, or full of bouncy balls all going a million miles an hour, or just buzzing with TV static all the time, only black-and-red instead of black-and-white. No one ever understands what I’m saying when I try to explain my version of ADHD, but I keep trying, nonetheless. But when all that went away there was sudden… clarity. The headache I’d had for SIXTEEN FREAKING YEARS went away as well. Mostly, anyway. The ADHD meds are a Godsend; I’m not even kidding.

Anyway, since starting on the ADHD meds less than two years ago, I’ve written the equivalent of four full novels (plus some), though a lot of it has been fanfiction, so does it really count? I also wrote an original novel, The Kelpie Agenda, which ended up at 155,329+ words and 301 pages long, and is a modern-fantasy-lgbtqa-romance (and is part of a ten-book series), and I’m currently gearing up to start writing another original novel, My Zombie, which is my unique take on a post-apocalyptic zombie world and lgbtqa again. (Most of my stuff has lgbtqa aspects to it, if I’m being honest.)

Now I’m in the process of shopping around for a literary agent for TKA to try to get it published. There are pros and cons to having an agent; they take a percentage of what you get from your publishing deals, but they can also get you BETTER publishing deals, and they do all the work of finding a publisher for you, so you don’t have to do it yourself, so…

…

…I had to have Juna put down a few months ago, in February 2026, and it left me absolutely BEREFT. He was 17 years old and my precious old man and without him around there was a hole in my life. I guess you missed the times I had to put Dion and Kali down, too, but that was a while back. After Juna, Pluto didn’t know what to do with himself, either, he’s never been an only cat, but over the last few months he’s adjusted pretty well. I, on the other hand, still cry over Juna every once in a while. I’m a little lost, personally, because it’s been since I was eighteen years old that I only had one cat, and it feels… unnatural, somehow. Mom and Lee won’t let me adopt another one, either, and I have to respect their wishes since I’m still camping out in their house, waiting for the subsidised housing people to get to my name. I’ve been on the list for six years already and I’m starting to lose hope, though.

Anyway, Juna aside, I own three axolotls now (Kaida, Haku and Ryuu); Kaida is fully melanistic (black with sometimes-purple gills), Haku is mostly melanistic with some wild-type spots on his tail, and Ryuu is completely wild-type, which is like a dark green background with lighter green spots and patches, except for his cute face, which is black. I got them a year and a half ago, so they’re finally full-grown, and they all live together in a 40-gallon tank, they just trundle along the bottom like little dinosaurs, which is probably why I adore them so much. <3

I have fifteen houseplants in my little bedroom, most of which (Miles, Glenn, Maggie, Mabel, Gwen, Charlie & Peter) are in hangers over my bed in front of the window, but three (Dean, Sam & Castiel) are planted in the axolotl aquarium, and the last five (Alpine, Hershel, Mint, Mulder & Scully) need less light so they’re at the opposite end of the room. I LOVE plants and they’re good for keeping the air clean (especially spider plants: I have three of them; Peter, Miles & Gwen), which is always a plus when your lungs are as shitty as mine.

Also, yes, it is absolutely essential for them all to have names.

I WANT an aloe vera but I’m running out of room and besides which, my bedroom doesn’t have enough light for an aloe vera anyway. =/

I’m still making jewelry to eventually post to my Etsy shop, and I’m enjoying making pinback buttons to sell with my button makers (I have three different sizes of button), and I’ve started painting custom photo frames to sell as well. I’m constantly going to Walmart and Michaels to get paint, and for this past Christmas Mom got me a whole bunch of adorable charms for making into bracelets/earrings/necklaces. I made a really cute earrings-and-necklace set where the earrings are an egg and a piece of bacon and the necklace is a waffle with butter just recently. :)

Do you still have your amoeba jewelry I made you years ago? Just curious. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

In the end of June, barring any horrible health complications of course, I’m going camping by myself for the first time. I’m both extremely excited and mildly terrified tbh. :| I’ve been picking up all the stuff I need for camping over the last few months and I’m down to the last handful of things, now, that I’m going to be buying in a couple of weeks. Mom is going to drop me off at my camping spot on the Monday, and then I’m spending two nights, and she’s picking me up on Wednesday afternoon. Since I still don’t drive.

Honestly, the idea of driving makes me SO ANXIOUS. I picked up the Driver’s Ed books a few years back with the intention of getting my license, but even going through THE BOOKS made me freak out so I never followed up. I have so many anxiety issues, but I’m already SO heavily medicated it’s impossible for Dr. K to give me anything more— I wouldn’t want any more anyway. So, I just don’t drive. I just don’t do a lot of things.

Right.

I collect BJDs now, Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I started collecting them when that friend of mine who ghosted me sent me one in the mail, a jorogumo doll, which basically means her top half is a human woman but instead of human legs she’s attached to a spider body and legs. Her name is Morgana and she’s FANTASTIC, even though she brings back some negative memories at this point. She’s still blank and I have to get around to painting her eventually, but I do have a wig and eyes for her in the wings.

After that I picked up others and now I have something like twenty-two or twenty-three of them. *shrug* I have the main cast of TKA in doll form now, too (Aidan, Tyler, Katie & Wren) and I particularly love that little set of four, and I’ve got two dolls (Ombre and Blake) that are modelled after my favorite characters from later on in the TKA series. I’ve had to stop buying them because of space issues and money issues (they are not cheap), though, so my BJD collecting had been put on hold for the time being. Boo.

I’m still watching shitty, shitty b-grade movies, I don’t think that’ll ever change. The most recent one I’m obsessed over is called Primate and is about a rabid chimpanzee set loose on a bunch of college kids. The last six months or so I’ve been marathoning TV shows on my computer, though. Fifteen seasons of Supernatural (TWICE), one season of American Horror Story, two seasons of Teen Wolf, nineteen seasons of Criminal Minds (TWICE), and now I’m working my way through nine seasons of Dexter. Next is either Grimm or The X-Files. Maaaaaybe Buffy The Vampire Slayer? I haven’t decided yet.

Anyway.

We found out a few years ago that my brother, fucking TRUNKS, has a DAUGHTER and a whole secret family in Toronto. I guess his best friends, a lesbian couple, wanted a child, and didn’t want to pay for IVF treatments, so they went to Trunks for… help. :| Anyhoo, things happened and A came into the world, and the four of them are like one big somewhat polygamous family now and he spends every weekend and holiday with them in Toronto. They make him happy, but I have mixed feelings because the kid is like seven years old now and we’re still not allowed to meet her or her mothers, and he’s kind of dropped US like a hot rock for the most part since this whole thing happened, on holidays, birthdays, everything like that. We didn’t even know they EXISTED until A was THREE YEARS OLD. Idk it’s weird and awkward sometimes. =/

And that’s about it, I think.

I…

Thank you. For being my friend for so long. For putting up with me for so long. I’m not sure I deserved that. I have a lot of good memories of our time together, even if they’re tinged with regret, now. You were there for me for a lot of years, and I appreciate it more than I can ever express. You’re a good person, kind and caring and tolerant, and I miss you dearly. I hope your life is going well now, better than it was before, and I hope you’re happy, truly.

Please tell M I say hello, if he even wants to hear it. I won’t write you again, I just had some things I needed to get off my chest. Hopefully none of it upset you. I hope you have a great summer, with lots of gardening and pool time and nature walks.

With sincere and honest wishes and eternal love, no matter what,
Sena

Yesterday was Pluto's yearly exam with the vet.

So first we had the fun of chasing him down and putting him in the travel crate, during which I got peed on, same as last year. I guess it's his M.O. now. :| Then once he was IN the crate he yelled and bellowed and roared like he was being tortured because he was SO freaked out, and Lee thought it was HILARIOUS but Mom and I just felt bad for the cat. Lee thinks a lot of things are funny that aren't, though.

Anyhoo. We got him to the vet safe and sound and by the time we got there Pluto was just yowling A LITTLE, instead of WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, and Mom dropped us off and then left to go pick up a prescription while she waited. We got taken in pretty much right away...

...RIGHT to the room where we were in February to have Juna put down. And that was... startling. And painful. Once the nurse left I cuddled Pluto through the door of the crate (since he refused to come out) and tried very hard not to cry. There were definitely tears in my eyes for the first few minutes, but luckily, when the nurse came back to do Pluto's intake info and stuff it was distracting enough that it snapped me out of it (mostly.)

When the vet came in and did his exam on Pluto and gave him his shot (he wasn't due for his rabies, just for the rest), the general consensus was that he was healthy as a horse AND THE SWEETEST KITTY EVER OF ALL TIME. It's funny, but I told the vet that he does better with strangers in stressful vet situations than he does at home.

The nurse took a pic of him for his profile in their computer and she was like "okay look, this is his profile pic but I also got THIS pic and I wanted you to see it" and it was a GORGEOUS picture of Pluto, except his mouth was wide open in a ROWR!! and I just started laughing because it was so PLUTO, and long story short they ended up using that as his profile pic instead and everyone was HIGHLY amused. XD;;

When it came time for them to take him away for his blood work, he was like 8< but I'm told they plied him with treats and he was a Good Boy. Then it was off to PAY for the whole thing... which was where the problem came in.

The bill was like $520-ish (without his meds, which we're picking up from a human pharmacy) and I had only managed to save up $450 for this venture, which meant that Mom had to come to my rescue. Again. She's starting to get really pissed about how much money I owe her, and I don't blame her for it but I also can't help it. I should be able to start paying her back on the 21st of this month, though, so hopefully that'll mellow her a little. =/

I don't... DO loss. Not the way most people do.

When I find out someone or something close to me has died, I have a brief, intense bout of grief for a few minutes, followed by a long, long time of what I can only describe as numbness when it comes to the topic, and then that eventually leads into me feeling normal again.

I'm somewhere in the middle of that with my grief for Juna a couple of months ago, and I've already gone through the intense bout of grief for a few minutes with Grandma and now I'm on to the numb feeling. Grandma doesn't want a funeral, but if we end up having a memorial gathering I might end up having another bout of grief. I didn't with Grandpa's memorial gathering, but I was closer to Grandma than I was to Grandpa so who really knows.

I do know I'll probably cry when we take Juna down to bury him at Dad and Lois's place. I usually cry a little when I bury my cats. But then by the time I'm done, I'm back to Numb Normal.

I think I just bury my feelings, like I can't handle them so I force them down until they just go away. I know it's not healthy to do that, but I can't afford a therapist no matter how much I might need one.

Dad finally made it up to exchange Christmas Gifts today. Every time he comes up for Christmas stuff he comments about how the drive kills him and his back and he can barely walk after he gets home and etc. and it's like I UNDERSTAND, but there is literally nothing I can do about it, I DON'T DRIVE. *FACEPALM*

ANYWAY, we had a good chat and I opened my gifts (Dad got me dinosaur stuff which NEVER GOES WRONG and Lois got me a Dollarama gift card, some socks and a new winter hat) but Dad only opened one of his while he was here (the copy of TKA I made for him, I insisted) because he NEVER opens his gifts while he's here. But that's fine, I'm used to it after all these years. :P lol.

I said he probably wouldn't like TKA and he said he'd be fine as long as it had an evil Companion in it and I was like A) TKA IS NOT VALDEMAR FIC and B) Even my Black Companion fic doesn't have an EVIL COMPANION, it just has a differently colored one!! He was like "boo, you're no fun" so now I have to write an evil Companion fic which makes NO SENSE because Companions are inherently, unequivocably GOOD. So there's that. I dunno.

All of that aside, I have some tentacles I'm going to be working on in the next few days. I think seven pink ones and five black ones. They used to be plant spikes, but they've been in the plants for so long that the soil has eroded the wooden spike part, so I'm repurposing them into hair clips and pendants, I'm just waiting for some other pieces to come in. I still have to tidy up the black tentacles since they were in the plants in the aquarium, but when the closed-loop hooks come in later today I can start working on the pink ones. Looking forward to it! :D

In the meantime I can work on frames or wiggly foxes, or just be lazy and focus on watching Criminal Minds. :P

I had my appointment with Dr. K a few days ago and many things were discussed but in general the things that happened were that she ordered me consultations with an allergist (for food allergy testing since my allergies have gone NUTS lately), a cardiologist (because it seems all my RAGING LUNG PROBLEMS could possibly be heart problems instead) and a dermatologist (because of all my RADICAL HAIR LOSS.) The allergist has already contacted me but it could be MONTHS before the other ones do, I'm still waiting on consultations from other specialists from OVER A YEAR AGO at this point. =/

I guess after three months all my dental work is freaking HALF done; they've finished the top row but still have to do the entire bottom jaw, and they won't schedule me for more than ONE appointment a month, for some Goddamn reason. I'm on the emergency cancellation list but fuck, I need to get this dealt with so I can finally get my PARTIAL DENTURES done. The denturist called yesterday like "???" and I was like "IT'S GONNA BE AT LEAST TWO MORE MONTHS OKAY I CAN'T HELP IT I'M SORRY."

My back has been KILLING ME lately, ankylosing spondolitis SUCKS. Mostly it's been in the small of my back, but partly up by my shoulders as well. The Naproxin Dr. K prescribed for me a couple of appointments ago helps keep me out of pain at NIGHT when I'm relaxed and not moving too much, but during the day when I'm up and moving around it does basically nothing, which sucks. I use OTC muscle relaxants as a stop-gap, but I can't use too many because the acetaminophen in them is bad for my liver disease. I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place with my back and my liver...

My health problems BLEGH.

Anyway, Dad called last night and says he's for sure coming up next Saturday to finally exchange Christmas gifts, but then again he said the same thing last month, so I'm kind of half waiting for him to cancel again. =/

.....

Solo Camping is absolutely happening this summer, at the end of June hopefully, I'm going to be booking my nights at Bass Lake on this coming Tuesday when my check comes in, and also buying a few things to go toward the camping itself (a TENT, a mess kit, a set of pots and pans.) Mom and Lee said I could borrow their camp stove, their cooler, one of their folding chairs, their lantern, their radio and their air pump, so I don't have to buy those things until future endeavours. I still need a sleeping bag, a sleeping mat, etc, though, and on Tuesday when I go shopping I'm buying a couple of big plastic tubs for packing everything in.

I'm taking a sketchbook, a notebook, a pencil case and a couple of reading books with me but I really just want to... unplug for a couple of days. Sketch and try to read and sit in front of a fire at night listening to music and roasting marshmallows. I'm still undecided if I'm going to stay for two nights or three nights, it'll probably depend on my bank account when I book the spot this week coming up.

Updates on that as they hiccup.

Right now I'm doing a lot of painting, mostly photo frames but a little bit with the wiggly foxes as well. So far I've finished three frames and I'm partway through uhh... five others? I always work on more than one thing at a time. Currently, I'm trying to finish my brother's Foxparks but I'm not sure if I should use bright orange or red for the tip of the tail. =/ Decisions.

OH ALSO I FINALLY managed to rehome Winter and Shield, so I have no birds anymore and a giant deep cleaning to do in my bedroom. Boom.

In regards to my lungs being really, especially bad lately, I have learned that the caffeine, particularly in colas but to a lesser extent in coffee and tea (etc), is a bronchodilator and helps open up your airways. Which means that the last TWO DECADES that I've been drinking Coke like WATER I've been inadvertently self-medicating my lung problems, and when I QUIT Coke SIX WEEKS AGO, I started a downward spiral. For the first month it was alright because I was having caffeine withdrawal headaches but the caffeine was still in my SYSTEM, but as soon as it was OUT of my system my lungs took a nosedive. So NOW I have to start buying Coke again even though I just detoxed off the caffeine and sugar, to help my lungs until the doctors can figure out what's fucking GOING ON. *facepalm* Like I just... I give up. I can't even do something positive for my health without it ending up being negative to my damn health.

*sigh* Anyway.

I decided yesterday that I'm tired of have feet that are so covered in callouses that they might as well be encased with bricks and finally started using the Healthy Feet cream that I bought forever ago. I'm also going to buy some Vaseline next time I go shopping because that works just as well and is much cheaper. Basically the idea is to apply the cream/Vaseline liberally before I go to bed and then put socks on to trap it against my feet overnight so it really soaks in. I had to do it once before when I had splits in my heels from being on my feet at one of my jobs back before I had to go on disability. It worked really well then, so I'm hoping it'll work again this time even though my feet are like ROCKS right now. (Like so bad that I have to use an mini electric grinder on them sometimes and I'm not even joking.)

Probably doesn't help that I almost never wear socks. Socks are SO restricting and uncomfortable. I hate them. I'm hoping once I get my feet worked out I can go back to going barefoot most of the time and just use cream once a day, or at night, you know?

.....

I really want to paint more decorative, colorful picture frames so I can try selling them in my Etsy shop but I can't afford any more frames until Thursday. I have bundles of frames in my Amazon shopping cart that I'm going to buy when my money comes in then, as well as a new printer since apparently some of the pins in mine are worn out. But yes, like 34 frames in 3.5x5, 4x6 and 5x7 sizes. I want to design simple Esprit Studios inserts for them that just say "Esprit Studios; Custom Picture Frames" and then the ES Etsy URL. I might do that in Paint or Pixlr later today.

For now I'm working on painting a wiggly fox for my little brother, which technically was supposed to be for him for this past Christmas but I am laaaaate omg. Basically, he has a thing for Foxparks in PAL World (I think that's what it's called, anyway) so I'm painting a wiggly fox to look like a Foxparks for him. Not entirely sure what he'll do with it, but I'm hoping he likes it. I'm enjoying painting it, at the very least. But then, I'm super into the whole painting thing lately. I should dig out some of my old half-finished ACTUAL paintings and try finishing them off or something...

And finally for today, I literally JUST finished rewatching all 18 (current) seasons of Criminal Minds and I just started watching it from the start again because I am CRAVING Criminal Minds like whoa lately. I really need to stop marathoning TV shows and get back to writing, though, it's been like three months... :|

EDIT: OH ALSO. I have decided I want to go camping this summer! Just for two or three nights, and only like 20 minutes from Orillia, but just some time to myself without the budgies screeching and Pluto's ever-present demands for attention (not complaining; I love them all!) Out in the woods with a book and a sketchbook and a cooler full of sandwiches, a camp stove to boil water, a fire assuming there's not a fire ban on the go. There's lots of things I have to get, first. Like. Like a tent. And other "camping" things, but Mom says she would be willing to drive me and pick me up afterward, so... I'm tentatively excited! :D