Sena's DW :: Watermelon Life

On the 7th, I picked up my new dentures from the Denturist; upper partials and lower partials. So, I guess that was eight days ago? And in the last week I've had to go back in FOUR TIMES to have the lower ones adjusted because they were completely JACKED. They rubbed painfully in spots, and would NOT stay in when I was trying to eat. Yesterday I went in and the Denturist adjusted them one final time and said that if they weren't good this time he would just have them entirely re-cast, but now they stay in place when I try to eat, the only problem is one little spot where they're still rubbing. I'm hoping he'll just agree to fix that spot so we don't have to start from scratch with the whole thing. =/

All of that aside, now that they fit properly they feel okay in my mouth, just WEIRD, but I'll get used to them. And eating with them hurts because it puts so much pressure on my gums and they need to toughen up a bit (a lot) before eating will be comfortable for me again. And there's a lot of things that I COULDN'T eat with them in right now, the tougher, harder things that require a lot of bite pressure. Yesterday I had some dumplings (soft) and they were a rousing success, and then some crackers (crunchy, mid-range hard) that were tougher to get through, and then out of curiosity I tried a sour key candy (HARD, CHEWY) and FAILED MISERABLY. I could barely even touch it.

Like, I understand that the dentures are necessary for eating purposes but right now they're actually making eating HARDER than when I'm not wearing them. It's frustrating. :(

EDIT: I just ate a sandwich successfully, so I guess... go me! :D;;

Not this past Saturday but the Saturday before that, Mom and I went to the Walkabout in Baysville. We go most years, depending on the weather, and this year it was nice and sunny so we went out for it. Originally, I had set aside $100 for the Walkabout, then I managed to add $10 more... and by the time the day came I was firmly at $80. *facepalm* But that's more than I usually manage to save up, so I guess I shouldn't complain haha.

I bought a couple things for me while we were there (a Zombie Captain America Pop!, a 3D printed articulated gecko that I named Lemonade and some crocheted Swiffer sweeper covers) but I spent WAY more money on LOIS, actually! I got her three pairs of stupidly expensive socks (pomeranians, chihuahuas and ones that say "my dog and I talk shit about you") and a butterfly ornament that I saw from a vendor at the park on Canada Day for $30 and passed on, but found at the Walkabout for freaking $12 lol.

By halfway through the Walkabout, though, Mom and I were both DYING from the sun and humidity, and I needed food, so we stopped at Miss Nelle's and I got a hamburger and we both got bottles of water. The second half of the Walkabout was covered much more quickly, though, because we were both pretty much done. But in general it was a pretty good day. :)

...I'm sick right now. Again. I have a terrible, barking cough that's trying to turn into an infection (PROBABLY FUCKING PNEUMONIA), I ache all over and my nose is running like a faucet (even more than usual.) I'm kind of like... yeah, that's par for the course. It's been a year since my last really bad lung thing, so I guess I was due, according to my screwed up body clock. :P

Over the last few months the scale says that I've lost about 25 pounds, which is enough that it should be really noticeable, but I look exactly the same. I don't really know what to make of this, but Mom warned me that before she was diagnosed with her cancer years back, she was losing weight without loosing inches. It doesn't make sense, but now I've got THAT on my mind, and they DID find a funny patch in my right lung on my last CT, apparently, and they haven't diagnosed what it is yet.

I almost hope it DOES turn out to be cancer because at least that would explain my freaking painful and whackadoo lung problems that NO ONE CAN SEEM TO DIAGNOSE from the last while. =/

Also, Pluto seems to have developed a mole or skin tag or something on his one side; I've stumbled upon it a couple of times while I've been petting him and right now I'm just kind of keeping an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get bigger. The last thing I need is my baby kitty having cancer, too. Though I guess we could potentially be cancer buddies, to try to look on the VERY SLIGHTLY bright side.

Anyway...

Recently I managed to get my hands on Evil Dead Burn and Spider-Man: Brand New Day. EDB was... overrated, I think. Have you ever watched a movie that just... tried too hard? Yeah, EDB definitely tried too hard. I much prefer the last one, Evil Dead Rise. *shrug* I'll still buy it on DVD for my collection when it comes out, I just won't watch it as often as the others. :P

As for SMBND, it was a fantastic movie, courtesy of Marvel, and they rarely miss. I still love Tom Holland as Peter/Spidey, and I loved the inclusion of Jean Grey and The Punisher. I spent 2/3 of the movie trying to place where I knew The Punisher from, and then I realized it was the same actor who played Shane on The Walking Dead. It was SO much better when that wasn't niggling at me anymore... XD;;

Starting today I started watching Fear The Walking Dead. So far it's good, but a little slow going. I WAS working on my umpteenth rewatch of Supernatural, but this time when I plugged in my SPN USB drive, I got to Season 5 or so and the files started getting glitchy. I think the stick is corrupted. I might have to download S01-S14 of SPN again and burn them onto another drive. So annoying.

AND FINALLY. BASEMENT NEWS.

Last night while we were all sitting around the dinner table, my Stepdad announced that since I'm for it and Mom's for it HE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SWAPPING ME INTO THE BASEMENT. :O I was SO sure he was going to say no that I didn't get my hopes up AT ALL. I was just WAITING to get shot down. BUT INSTEAD.

There are conditions. Like if we do this there's no changing my mind, we're not doing it all again. And before we settle on it entirely, Mom wants to measure the furniture in the basement and make sure that it'll fit in the bedrooms upstairs, which makes total sense. But this is promising! I'm excited!!

This past Thursday I went to the Dentist and had yet another tooth pulled. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. At least now all the work on my (existing) teeth is finished, so I can call the Denturist on Monday and make an appointment to start getting to work on my upper AND lower partials, now. I can't wait to have fucking TEETH again. ~__~;;

So, that night, my Stepdad went out for music and I got up the nerve to ask Mom why she's so set on not letting me adopt another cat/kitten. I fully expected to get snapped at and/or a lecture about something so I approached it very delicately, but Mom just sighed and told me it was because she was trying to convince my Stepdad to adopt another DOG, and the rules here in the co-op say you can only have two pets like cats/dogs at a time.

And I'm like... FUCK. Because she wants a SMALL dog and in general I HATE small dogs. I'm honestly not a big fan of dogs IN GENERAL, but small dogs are hyper, yappy, frustratingly annoying little things that for the most part I can't STAND. (The exception being Pomeranians; I have a nostalgic fondness for Poms.) But Mom wants a "small mutt", which like... NO THANK YOU.

Never MIND how PLUTO would react to a dog coming into the house. I think he would deal relatively well with a new cat, but he HATES dogs and has ever since we lived with Uncle Len and Clare and Gryphon and Huxley would chase the cats around the house (and Clare never told them to stop; she just laughed because it was obviously fucking hilarious how terrified my cats were.)

I just... I feel like Mom isn't thinking about anyone other than herself in this, and even if I DON'T adopt another cat/kitten, we should at LEAST think about PLUTO'S WELL-BEING. But I don't know how to explain that to Mom without making her really angry and so now all I can do is cry over it.

...

Anyway.

Today, Mom and I went to the Farmer's Market by the library (there's another one out by the roller skating rink) to have a look around, and we found pepperettes for my Stepdad (he was worried we wouldn't know what to look for but how hard is it to look for "mild"? lol.), and I found two plastic pins; one says "Ew, people." and the other says "Undiagnosed, but something ain't right." That booth had approximately a hundred pins I could have happily taken home with me, but I limited myself to just the two haha.

After that I got a hotdog and a Pepsi from the hotdog vendor, and ate about 3/4 of it before I had to hand off the rest to Mom to finish lol.

It was a nice little outing, even though it kept trying to rain.

Today is Grandma's Celebration Of Life and, as predicted, I didn't go. I feel HORRIBLY guilty for not going, for not being there for Grandma and to support Mom, I know she wasn't looking forward to it, but at least my Stepdad and my Aunts and Uncles and Alex are there for her to lean on, if no one else. But I have such a huge anxiety problem with crowds, especially crowds of strangers (and today would be 90% strangers to me) that I would have had a panic attack ten minutes in and had to leave-- but there's nowhere I could have GONE. I would have been trapped, and that would have made it a million times worse.

So, it was better that I not go so I didn't make a scene at Grandma's event, even if that means feeling guilty over the entire situation, now. I like to think Grandma would have understood, though. She knew how I am with crowds, I think she would have given me a pass. I'm there in spirit and that's what counts, anyway, right?

EDIT: I didn't go to her Celebration Of Life, but this afternoon I hung a set of butterfly wind chimes in the backyard-- in Grandma's memory, and to encourage her to send butterflies to visit us whenever she's thinking of us on the Other Side. <3

Dear C.A.,

First of all: I’m sorry for sending this c/o your work address, I just didn’t have your street address to mail it to. I would have rather done that. And I know I’m not allowed to set foot on your property, either, so this was my only option. I hope you understand.

But please don’t read this if it will upset you, okay? And please don’t read this if it will lead to legal action against me. Just scrap this right now if that’s the case. :|

Now, I know you’ll probably never make it through all of this, but I’m writing it anyway, mostly for myself, because I need the catharsis even after all these years. I’m hoping writing this letter will help with the pain I’m still feeling from when our friendship broke apart. Some kind of… closure… I guess. Fingers crossed, right?

So.

First off, I’m sorry for calling you out on Facebook the way that I did, years ago. It was childish, but I was frustrated and hurt and needed a way to vent. Like I pointed out before, though, I did make a point of not dropping your name or anything descriptive in my mini rant so no one except you would know who I was talking about. I understand that you were angry and this truth didn’t matter to you at the time, but I’m hoping that over the years you’ve realized that fact. I was trying to protect you even through my frustration. Of course I was. Besides which… I can’t see you getting any less upset if I had sent it to you privately via messenger, anyway.

I realize I angered you with that, though, and I once again apologize, but you hurt me IMMENSELY in the months that followed, and that’s something I haven’t been able to let go of, even after all this time.

You dragged things out for almost a YEAR, and you KNEW it was KILLING ME the entire time. And THEN you pulled our other mutual friends into it, and in the process killed all of my other close friendships. Left me all alone for YEARS. I lost EVERYONE because of you, and how DARE you think you could do that to another person over such a relatively small slip-up like I made to you?? It was HEARTLESS, C.A., not to mention CRUEL.

By the way, you accused me of buying Christmas gifts for S and G to manipulate you? At the time I said “I didn’t know what else to do” because I was desperate for the right thing to say, because nothing I was saying was good enough, but the truth was that I OFTEN bought gifts for S, at Christmas and for her birthday, and it was G’s first Christmas so why WOULDN’T I have bought things for them? Those gifts went to a garage sale, in the end, and it was a minor tragedy, but NONE OF THAT was me trying to manipulate you in ANY WAY.

Is S still a dinosaur girl? I hope she is, there aren’t enough of them in the world, in my opinion. I also have another dinosaur girl in my life, now, a step-grand-niece? Or something like that. My brother’s daughter’s daughter. Yeah. Her name is V and she’s absolutely CRAZY for dinosaurs. (I think she and Stella would’ve gotten along, except V is much younger than S.) Did G turn out to be a dinosaur girl, too?

I only ask because I’m such a dinosaur girl myself, still. I never outgrew that phase and likely never will. I have a Velociraptor tattoo, now, I’ve had it for a couple of years, and I’m hoping to get a Therizinosaurus on the same arm, maybe in the fall. I need to save up the money and book with Georgian Pines Studios (they’re expensive but they’re worth it), and I THINK they’re booking blocks for Sept/Oct next, so… *shrug* (Then a Dracorex Hogwartzia, a Parasaurolophus and a Triceratops on the same arm; a dinosaur sleeve.)

Speaking of dinosaurs, did the plants in those dinosaur planters I made for you survive for long or did they crash and burn really quickly? I’ve heard since then that plants don’t like to live in dinosaurs, and I’ve always been curious about the fate of yours…

Aaaand I got sidetracked there with the dinosaurs.

…

Looking back, I think you first started pulling away from me around the time we all went to Tobermory in 2016, and that’s probably entirely my fault. I’m sorry I couldn’t afford everything and you guys had to foot the bill for me; it was selfish of me to even go. I should have taken a pass, but it was Amazon (well, Glamazon) Weekend and… I wish we could have just gone to the cabin like we had before, in high school. Not that Tobermory wasn’t wonderful, but the cabin would have been easier. And free. No one would have had to worry about my personal costs.

I know I didn’t help myself later on, when I was in crisis, either, I got somewhat needy, even though I didn’t mean to, and looking back now I know that you were going through some things around that time, too, so it was selfish of me to expect you to help support ME when you needed help supporting YOURSELF. I wish you had talked to me about your problems more and we could have propped EACH OTHER up.

You got really upset when I went to Day Therapy the one time and then quit. And I know you didn’t understand, but they told me that Day Therapy would be three or four people and very low-key, and it WAS NOT. I had a panic attack and cried for almost the entire time I was there, and I just couldn’t face going back again. It was NOT the right fit for me. I’m aware I need therapy of some kind, but one-on-one therapy—the problem being that therapists and psychiatrists aren’t covered under my ODSP care plan, and I can’t afford them otherwise, so… I’m kind of stuck in limbo, I guess, and have been for years, and it SUCKS.

You know, when you sent me that Cease and Desist letter, I was disappointed and SO upset, my heart dropped out of my chest and I SOBBED (I’m glad I opened it at home and not at the post office), but Mom was APPALLED when she found out why I was breaking down. All I did was drop a gift off at your house, C.A., A GIFT. And I didn’t even ring your doorbell, so you didn’t have to see me or speak to me, I just left it on your doorstep. I thought I was doing a nice thing for you, and you came back with a Cease and Desist order from it? Thinking about opening that letter and reading it for the first time still makes me cry. It was months before I could bring myself to scrap it, though. I held onto it even though it hurt me that much…

…

Yeah. So. Personal updates, which you can ignore if you want to:

Did you know that you can get Fatty Liver Disease without drinking a DROP of alcohol? (I mean, I’ve drank a LITTLE alcohol over the years, but not much. You know what I’m saying.) Or that there’s an autoimmune disease, Hidradenitis Suppurativa, that causes HUGE abscesses to form in all your sensitive, delicate bits, which make you have to go to the hospital to have them drained, which is downright humiliating? (All the delicate bits are covered in scars now, too.) Or that you can develop Alopecia Universalis, but sometimes it comes and goes, it isn’t always a stable thing? (I got all my hair shaved off because it was falling out and then it started growing back in. Good thing I like short hair.) Or that allergies can change radically, get worse or better over time in adulthood? (I am allergic to basically everything except cucumbers and cocoa beans now, and almonds and pistachios can now kill me ffs. Oh, but I’m not allergic to cats anymore, so, bonus!) Or that there’s ANOTHER autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, that can literally fuse your spine together? (Looking forward to that!) Or that ten years after a Gastric Bypass, most people gain all the weight back? (And no one bothered to tell me that BEFORE I had my insides mangled??)

Yeah, my physical health hasn’t been great the last few years, I mean even worse than normal, and this is just the tip of the iceberg; and that’s nothing to say for my MENTAL health. I’m on so many psych meds I can’t even remember the names of them all, and I’m still… no, I’m not “still” anything, I’m probably worse off than I even used to be, I’m just better at hiding it than I was before.

…I tried to commit suicide twice in February of 2024, but it turns out I’m epically bad at THAT, too, and obviously it didn’t work, or I’d be writing this from beyond the grave. I’m not sure how I feel about failing, really. Sometimes I’m glad to be alive and sometimes I just wish like hell it had worked. I wrote out all my final wishes for Mom and my manifesto turned out to be around eleven pages long by the time I was done. I wanted to be cremated, and then have a tree planted in my name and my ashes poured in the hole meant for said tree before it was planted. I still want that.

I thought about writing a letter to you, in the ending moments, but I didn’t think you’d want to read it. I didn’t think you’d want to come to my wake, either, though to be honest not very many people would, I seem to have burned all my bridges between one thing and another, so you’d be in good company.

But then I WOKE UP the next morning, so the whole thing was moot.

Basically… I made a friend for the first time since you and the others dropped me, a REALLY good friend, and then they ghosted me completely out of the blue and my entire world crumbled (again.) Poe was possibly the best friend I’ve ever had, except maybe for you, and they just… anyway, yeah. That’s what tipped me over the edge, but it wasn’t the entire story. You get the idea.

I haven’t tried again since those two times, mostly because I got diagnosed and medicated for ADHD and my brain is no longer a giant bag of cats scratching at the inside of my skull, or full of bouncy balls all going a million miles an hour, or just buzzing with TV static all the time, only black-and-red instead of black-and-white. No one ever understands what I’m saying when I try to explain my version of ADHD, but I keep trying, nonetheless. But when all that went away there was sudden… clarity. The headache I’d had for SIXTEEN FREAKING YEARS went away as well. Mostly, anyway. The ADHD meds are a Godsend; I’m not even kidding.

Anyway, since starting on the ADHD meds less than two years ago, I’ve written the equivalent of four full novels (plus some), though a lot of it has been fanfiction, so does it really count? I also wrote an original novel, The Kelpie Agenda, which ended up at 155,329+ words and 301 pages long, and is a modern-fantasy-lgbtqa-romance (and is part of a ten-book series), and I’m currently gearing up to start writing another original novel, My Zombie, which is my unique take on a post-apocalyptic zombie world and lgbtqa again. (Most of my stuff has lgbtqa aspects to it, if I’m being honest.)

Now I’m in the process of shopping around for a literary agent for TKA to try to get it published. There are pros and cons to having an agent; they take a percentage of what you get from your publishing deals, but they can also get you BETTER publishing deals, and they do all the work of finding a publisher for you, so you don’t have to do it yourself, so…

…

…I had to have Juna put down a few months ago, in February 2026, and it left me absolutely BEREFT. He was 17 years old and my precious old man and without him around there was a hole in my life. I guess you missed the times I had to put Dion and Kali down, too, but that was a while back. After Juna, Pluto didn’t know what to do with himself, either, he’s never been an only cat, but over the last few months he’s adjusted pretty well. I, on the other hand, still cry over Juna every once in a while. I’m a little lost, personally, because it’s been since I was eighteen years old that I only had one cat, and it feels… unnatural, somehow. Mom and Lee won’t let me adopt another one, either, and I have to respect their wishes since I’m still camping out in their house, waiting for the subsidised housing people to get to my name. I’ve been on the list for six years already and I’m starting to lose hope, though.

Anyway, Juna aside, I own three axolotls now (Kaida, Haku and Ryuu); Kaida is fully melanistic (black with sometimes-purple gills), Haku is mostly melanistic with some wild-type spots on his tail, and Ryuu is completely wild-type, which is like a dark green background with lighter green spots and patches, except for his cute face, which is black. I got them a year and a half ago, so they’re finally full-grown, and they all live together in a 40-gallon tank, they just trundle along the bottom like little dinosaurs, which is probably why I adore them so much. <3

I have fifteen houseplants in my little bedroom, most of which (Miles, Glenn, Maggie, Mabel, Gwen, Charlie & Peter) are in hangers over my bed in front of the window, but three (Dean, Sam & Castiel) are planted in the axolotl aquarium, and the last five (Alpine, Hershel, Mint, Mulder & Scully) need less light so they’re at the opposite end of the room. I LOVE plants and they’re good for keeping the air clean (especially spider plants: I have three of them; Peter, Miles & Gwen), which is always a plus when your lungs are as shitty as mine.

Also, yes, it is absolutely essential for them all to have names.

I WANT an aloe vera but I’m running out of room and besides which, my bedroom doesn’t have enough light for an aloe vera anyway. =/

I’m still making jewelry to eventually post to my Etsy shop, and I’m enjoying making pinback buttons to sell with my button makers (I have three different sizes of button), and I’ve started painting custom photo frames to sell as well. I’m constantly going to Walmart and Michaels to get paint, and for this past Christmas Mom got me a whole bunch of adorable charms for making into bracelets/earrings/necklaces. I made a really cute earrings-and-necklace set where the earrings are an egg and a piece of bacon and the necklace is a waffle with butter just recently. :)

Do you still have your amoeba jewelry I made you years ago? Just curious. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

In the end of June, barring any horrible health complications of course, I’m going camping by myself for the first time. I’m both extremely excited and mildly terrified tbh. :| I’ve been picking up all the stuff I need for camping over the last few months and I’m down to the last handful of things, now, that I’m going to be buying in a couple of weeks. Mom is going to drop me off at my camping spot on the Monday, and then I’m spending two nights, and she’s picking me up on Wednesday afternoon. Since I still don’t drive.

Honestly, the idea of driving makes me SO ANXIOUS. I picked up the Driver’s Ed books a few years back with the intention of getting my license, but even going through THE BOOKS made me freak out so I never followed up. I have so many anxiety issues, but I’m already SO heavily medicated it’s impossible for Dr. K to give me anything more— I wouldn’t want any more anyway. So, I just don’t drive. I just don’t do a lot of things.

Right.

I collect BJDs now, Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I started collecting them when that friend of mine who ghosted me sent me one in the mail, a jorogumo doll, which basically means her top half is a human woman but instead of human legs she’s attached to a spider body and legs. Her name is Morgana and she’s FANTASTIC, even though she brings back some negative memories at this point. She’s still blank and I have to get around to painting her eventually, but I do have a wig and eyes for her in the wings.

After that I picked up others and now I have something like twenty-two or twenty-three of them. *shrug* I have the main cast of TKA in doll form now, too (Aidan, Tyler, Katie & Wren) and I particularly love that little set of four, and I’ve got two dolls (Ombre and Blake) that are modelled after my favorite characters from later on in the TKA series. I’ve had to stop buying them because of space issues and money issues (they are not cheap), though, so my BJD collecting had been put on hold for the time being. Boo.

I’m still watching shitty, shitty b-grade movies, I don’t think that’ll ever change. The most recent one I’m obsessed over is called Primate and is about a rabid chimpanzee set loose on a bunch of college kids. The last six months or so I’ve been marathoning TV shows on my computer, though. Fifteen seasons of Supernatural (TWICE), one season of American Horror Story, two seasons of Teen Wolf, nineteen seasons of Criminal Minds (TWICE), and now I’m working my way through nine seasons of Dexter. Next is either Grimm or The X-Files. Maaaaaybe Buffy The Vampire Slayer? I haven’t decided yet.

Anyway.

We found out a few years ago that my brother, fucking TRUNKS, has a DAUGHTER and a whole secret family in Toronto. I guess his best friends, a lesbian couple, wanted a child, and didn’t want to pay for IVF treatments, so they went to Trunks for… help. :| Anyhoo, things happened and A came into the world, and the four of them are like one big somewhat polygamous family now and he spends every weekend and holiday with them in Toronto. They make him happy, but I have mixed feelings because the kid is like seven years old now and we’re still not allowed to meet her or her mothers, and he’s kind of dropped US like a hot rock for the most part since this whole thing happened, on holidays, birthdays, everything like that. We didn’t even know they EXISTED until A was THREE YEARS OLD. Idk it’s weird and awkward sometimes. =/

And that’s about it, I think.

I…

Thank you. For being my friend for so long. For putting up with me for so long. I’m not sure I deserved that. I have a lot of good memories of our time together, even if they’re tinged with regret, now. You were there for me for a lot of years, and I appreciate it more than I can ever express. You’re a good person, kind and caring and tolerant, and I miss you dearly. I hope your life is going well now, better than it was before, and I hope you’re happy, truly.

Please tell M I say hello, if he even wants to hear it. I won’t write you again, I just had some things I needed to get off my chest. Hopefully none of it upset you. I hope you have a great summer, with lots of gardening and pool time and nature walks.

With sincere and honest wishes and eternal love, no matter what,
Sena

Yesterday was Pluto's yearly exam with the vet.

So first we had the fun of chasing him down and putting him in the travel crate, during which I got peed on, same as last year. I guess it's his M.O. now. :| Then once he was IN the crate he yelled and bellowed and roared like he was being tortured because he was SO freaked out, and Lee thought it was HILARIOUS but Mom and I just felt bad for the cat. Lee thinks a lot of things are funny that aren't, though.

Anyhoo. We got him to the vet safe and sound and by the time we got there Pluto was just yowling A LITTLE, instead of WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, and Mom dropped us off and then left to go pick up a prescription while she waited. We got taken in pretty much right away...

...RIGHT to the room where we were in February to have Juna put down. And that was... startling. And painful. Once the nurse left I cuddled Pluto through the door of the crate (since he refused to come out) and tried very hard not to cry. There were definitely tears in my eyes for the first few minutes, but luckily, when the nurse came back to do Pluto's intake info and stuff it was distracting enough that it snapped me out of it (mostly.)

When the vet came in and did his exam on Pluto and gave him his shot (he wasn't due for his rabies, just for the rest), the general consensus was that he was healthy as a horse AND THE SWEETEST KITTY EVER OF ALL TIME. It's funny, but I told the vet that he does better with strangers in stressful vet situations than he does at home.

The nurse took a pic of him for his profile in their computer and she was like "okay look, this is his profile pic but I also got THIS pic and I wanted you to see it" and it was a GORGEOUS picture of Pluto, except his mouth was wide open in a ROWR!! and I just started laughing because it was so PLUTO, and long story short they ended up using that as his profile pic instead and everyone was HIGHLY amused. XD;;

When it came time for them to take him away for his blood work, he was like 8< but I'm told they plied him with treats and he was a Good Boy. Then it was off to PAY for the whole thing... which was where the problem came in.

The bill was like $520-ish (without his meds, which we're picking up from a human pharmacy) and I had only managed to save up $450 for this venture, which meant that Mom had to come to my rescue. Again. She's starting to get really pissed about how much money I owe her, and I don't blame her for it but I also can't help it. I should be able to start paying her back on the 21st of this month, though, so hopefully that'll mellow her a little. =/

I don't... DO loss. Not the way most people do.

When I find out someone or something close to me has died, I have a brief, intense bout of grief for a few minutes, followed by a long, long time of what I can only describe as numbness when it comes to the topic, and then that eventually leads into me feeling normal again.

I'm somewhere in the middle of that with my grief for Juna a couple of months ago, and I've already gone through the intense bout of grief for a few minutes with Grandma and now I'm on to the numb feeling. Grandma doesn't want a funeral, but if we end up having a memorial gathering I might end up having another bout of grief. I didn't with Grandpa's memorial gathering, but I was closer to Grandma than I was to Grandpa so who really knows.

I do know I'll probably cry when we take Juna down to bury him at Dad and Lois's place. I usually cry a little when I bury my cats. But then by the time I'm done, I'm back to Numb Normal.

I think I just bury my feelings, like I can't handle them so I force them down until they just go away. I know it's not healthy to do that, but I can't afford a therapist no matter how much I might need one.

Dad finally made it up to exchange Christmas Gifts today. Every time he comes up for Christmas stuff he comments about how the drive kills him and his back and he can barely walk after he gets home and etc. and it's like I UNDERSTAND, but there is literally nothing I can do about it, I DON'T DRIVE. *FACEPALM*

ANYWAY, we had a good chat and I opened my gifts (Dad got me dinosaur stuff which NEVER GOES WRONG and Lois got me a Dollarama gift card, some socks and a new winter hat) but Dad only opened one of his while he was here (the copy of TKA I made for him, I insisted) because he NEVER opens his gifts while he's here. But that's fine, I'm used to it after all these years. :P lol.

I said he probably wouldn't like TKA and he said he'd be fine as long as it had an evil Companion in it and I was like A) TKA IS NOT VALDEMAR FIC and B) Even my Black Companion fic doesn't have an EVIL COMPANION, it just has a differently colored one!! He was like "boo, you're no fun" so now I have to write an evil Companion fic which makes NO SENSE because Companions are inherently, unequivocably GOOD. So there's that. I dunno.

All of that aside, I have some tentacles I'm going to be working on in the next few days. I think seven pink ones and five black ones. They used to be plant spikes, but they've been in the plants for so long that the soil has eroded the wooden spike part, so I'm repurposing them into hair clips and pendants, I'm just waiting for some other pieces to come in. I still have to tidy up the black tentacles since they were in the plants in the aquarium, but when the closed-loop hooks come in later today I can start working on the pink ones. Looking forward to it! :D

In the meantime I can work on frames or wiggly foxes, or just be lazy and focus on watching Criminal Minds. :P

I had my appointment with Dr. K a few days ago and many things were discussed but in general the things that happened were that she ordered me consultations with an allergist (for food allergy testing since my allergies have gone NUTS lately), a cardiologist (because it seems all my RAGING LUNG PROBLEMS could possibly be heart problems instead) and a dermatologist (because of all my RADICAL HAIR LOSS.) The allergist has already contacted me but it could be MONTHS before the other ones do, I'm still waiting on consultations from other specialists from OVER A YEAR AGO at this point. =/

I guess after three months all my dental work is freaking HALF done; they've finished the top row but still have to do the entire bottom jaw, and they won't schedule me for more than ONE appointment a month, for some Goddamn reason. I'm on the emergency cancellation list but fuck, I need to get this dealt with so I can finally get my PARTIAL DENTURES done. The denturist called yesterday like "???" and I was like "IT'S GONNA BE AT LEAST TWO MORE MONTHS OKAY I CAN'T HELP IT I'M SORRY."

My back has been KILLING ME lately, ankylosing spondolitis SUCKS. Mostly it's been in the small of my back, but partly up by my shoulders as well. The Naproxin Dr. K prescribed for me a couple of appointments ago helps keep me out of pain at NIGHT when I'm relaxed and not moving too much, but during the day when I'm up and moving around it does basically nothing, which sucks. I use OTC muscle relaxants as a stop-gap, but I can't use too many because the acetaminophen in them is bad for my liver disease. I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place with my back and my liver...

My health problems BLEGH.

Anyway, Dad called last night and says he's for sure coming up next Saturday to finally exchange Christmas gifts, but then again he said the same thing last month, so I'm kind of half waiting for him to cancel again. =/

.....

Solo Camping is absolutely happening this summer, at the end of June hopefully, I'm going to be booking my nights at Bass Lake on this coming Tuesday when my check comes in, and also buying a few things to go toward the camping itself (a TENT, a mess kit, a set of pots and pans.) Mom and Lee said I could borrow their camp stove, their cooler, one of their folding chairs, their lantern, their radio and their air pump, so I don't have to buy those things until future endeavours. I still need a sleeping bag, a sleeping mat, etc, though, and on Tuesday when I go shopping I'm buying a couple of big plastic tubs for packing everything in.

I'm taking a sketchbook, a notebook, a pencil case and a couple of reading books with me but I really just want to... unplug for a couple of days. Sketch and try to read and sit in front of a fire at night listening to music and roasting marshmallows. I'm still undecided if I'm going to stay for two nights or three nights, it'll probably depend on my bank account when I book the spot this week coming up.

Updates on that as they hiccup.

Right now I'm doing a lot of painting, mostly photo frames but a little bit with the wiggly foxes as well. So far I've finished three frames and I'm partway through uhh... five others? I always work on more than one thing at a time. Currently, I'm trying to finish my brother's Foxparks but I'm not sure if I should use bright orange or red for the tip of the tail. =/ Decisions.

OH ALSO I FINALLY managed to rehome Winter and Shield, so I have no birds anymore and a giant deep cleaning to do in my bedroom. Boom.

In regards to my lungs being really, especially bad lately, I have learned that the caffeine, particularly in colas but to a lesser extent in coffee and tea (etc), is a bronchodilator and helps open up your airways. Which means that the last TWO DECADES that I've been drinking Coke like WATER I've been inadvertently self-medicating my lung problems, and when I QUIT Coke SIX WEEKS AGO, I started a downward spiral. For the first month it was alright because I was having caffeine withdrawal headaches but the caffeine was still in my SYSTEM, but as soon as it was OUT of my system my lungs took a nosedive. So NOW I have to start buying Coke again even though I just detoxed off the caffeine and sugar, to help my lungs until the doctors can figure out what's fucking GOING ON. *facepalm* Like I just... I give up. I can't even do something positive for my health without it ending up being negative to my damn health.

*sigh* Anyway.

I decided yesterday that I'm tired of have feet that are so covered in callouses that they might as well be encased with bricks and finally started using the Healthy Feet cream that I bought forever ago. I'm also going to buy some Vaseline next time I go shopping because that works just as well and is much cheaper. Basically the idea is to apply the cream/Vaseline liberally before I go to bed and then put socks on to trap it against my feet overnight so it really soaks in. I had to do it once before when I had splits in my heels from being on my feet at one of my jobs back before I had to go on disability. It worked really well then, so I'm hoping it'll work again this time even though my feet are like ROCKS right now. (Like so bad that I have to use an mini electric grinder on them sometimes and I'm not even joking.)

Probably doesn't help that I almost never wear socks. Socks are SO restricting and uncomfortable. I hate them. I'm hoping once I get my feet worked out I can go back to going barefoot most of the time and just use cream once a day, or at night, you know?

.....

I really want to paint more decorative, colorful picture frames so I can try selling them in my Etsy shop but I can't afford any more frames until Thursday. I have bundles of frames in my Amazon shopping cart that I'm going to buy when my money comes in then, as well as a new printer since apparently some of the pins in mine are worn out. But yes, like 34 frames in 3.5x5, 4x6 and 5x7 sizes. I want to design simple Esprit Studios inserts for them that just say "Esprit Studios; Custom Picture Frames" and then the ES Etsy URL. I might do that in Paint or Pixlr later today.

For now I'm working on painting a wiggly fox for my little brother, which technically was supposed to be for him for this past Christmas but I am laaaaate omg. Basically, he has a thing for Foxparks in PAL World (I think that's what it's called, anyway) so I'm painting a wiggly fox to look like a Foxparks for him. Not entirely sure what he'll do with it, but I'm hoping he likes it. I'm enjoying painting it, at the very least. But then, I'm super into the whole painting thing lately. I should dig out some of my old half-finished ACTUAL paintings and try finishing them off or something...

And finally for today, I literally JUST finished rewatching all 18 (current) seasons of Criminal Minds and I just started watching it from the start again because I am CRAVING Criminal Minds like whoa lately. I really need to stop marathoning TV shows and get back to writing, though, it's been like three months... :|

EDIT: OH ALSO. I have decided I want to go camping this summer! Just for two or three nights, and only like 20 minutes from Orillia, but just some time to myself without the budgies screeching and Pluto's ever-present demands for attention (not complaining; I love them all!) Out in the woods with a book and a sketchbook and a cooler full of sandwiches, a camp stove to boil water, a fire assuming there's not a fire ban on the go. There's lots of things I have to get, first. Like. Like a tent. And other "camping" things, but Mom says she would be willing to drive me and pick me up afterward, so... I'm tentatively excited! :D

It's been six weeks now since I had to have Juna put to sleep, and I'm starting to feel... numb about it, most of the time. I still have random moments where suddenly I'm choked up and have tears in my eyes, including when I talk about him or write about him like I am now. I miss him more than I can even say. But I guess I've lost enough pets, particularly cats, at this point that I knew what to expect when it came to the grief process.

Pluto is pretty much settled in to being an Only Child, he even gets to sleep with me at night now, he's getting spoiled rotten by everyone. He's still being very clingy and needy, but that might just be how he is now. He's gotten used to the auto-feeder at this point so all I have to do is keep the silo for it and his water dish filled. I don't even have to clean the litter boxes every day anymore; it turns out that Juna was making 75% of the mess in the boxes before he was gone.

A couple of days ago I found myself on the Comfie Cat Shelter website looking at their adoptable cats, because it's been literally over twenty years since I've had just one cat, and it's weird and almost uncomfortable to me. Not that I don't ADORE Pluto, of course, but there's something in my brain that isn't satisfied with only a single cat. I feel guilty because it HAS been only six weeks since Juna passed away, so I shouldn't be looking for another new cat already. Not that I'm trying to replace him, but you know, it's like... bringing something new into the house to help fill the void, you know?

Anyway. The rest of this entry will be me reminiscing over my lost cats, so here we go:

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT OSIRIS ("NEKO"): My first kitty love. He came from Dad and Lois' place and acted a lot like a dog because the pack there practically raised him. I named him "Osiris", but then nicknamed him "Neko" (Japanese for "cat") and the nickname STUCK. He was "Neko" for the rest of his life. He'll be "Neko" for the rest of mine. Since Neko was my first pet besides some guppies, really, I wasn't sure exactly what to do with him and I ended up overfeeding him until at 3 years old he weighed 17lbs. *facepalm* I put him on a diet after the vet became concerned and got him down to 13lbs, at least, lol. I remember when I first met Neko at Dad and Lois' farm; all the barn cats were skittish and avoided people, but at 4 months old Neko came RUNNING up to me and JUMPED up onto my shoulders, and I spent the entire rest of that weekend cuddling with HIM instead of the puppies. I fell in love at that very first moment. When Mom said I could adopt him, I was OVER THE MOON. Neko was the BIGGEST baby, SO cuddly and friendly and afraid of nothing. His favorite toys were the good catnip pouches from Pet Valu and the felt mice that Emma-kitty sent him in one of her P.O.S.'s. He went NUTS for chicken, and to a lesser extent turkey and fish and basically any "people food." When he was still getting fed in the morning, he used to wake me up by sticking his nose in my ear and purring like an outboard motor. It was simultaneously annoying and SUPER cute. He outgrew his catbed and still slept in it, legs sprawled all over the edges. When he got older he got a little less cuddly, and started losing weight. I should have taken him to the vet but I couldn't afford to. He died one day while I was out of town, and he was cold by the time I found him. I regret that to this day. Neko was my first and I still love him with all my heart; I always will.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT TRITON ("TRI"): Like Neko, Tri came from Dad and Lois' place and was one of the "barn" cats. After the previous few summers, they had decided to try to keep the cats outside, and I was sitting in the dining room, the screen door was closed, and suddenly this cute little head poked up over the kickplate and went "YOWL!" My first intro to baby Triton. He always had a HUGE voice for a really SMALL kitty. (He topped out around 8lbs full grown.) Tri was QUIRKY, right from day one. A teeny tiny boy with the BIGGEST personality (like Tia later on.) When I had fish for dinner, he didn't want it, he wanted the peas that went alongside it. At Christmastime he was OBSESSED with eggnog and fruitcake, but especially the eggnog-- I had to stand in the kitchen to drink it with him circling my legs the entire time. If I tried to sit down he would basically climb in the glass face-first. Tri used to sleep under my tiny Christmas Tree, too, and I let him, even though it was set up on a table and the cats weren't allowed on the tables. He had a MATERNAL STREAK a MILE WIDE! He had health problems his entire life. His back legs were weird and stiff and would have gotten painful if he had lived to old age, and his weight would yo-yo on a regular basis, regardless of his diet. In the end he died of kidney failure, and we only figured out years later when the same thing happened with Lily that he probably had polycystic kidneys. Tri was my first experience with losing a cat and the circumstances were HORRIBLE. It still hurts and I still feel guilty about it, even now.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT LOKI: Oh, my (and Mom's) dearest love, Loki-boy. He came from a friend of my older sister's at eight weeks old and I picked him from the litter because his brown-on-brown striped markings (and snow white belly) were SO vivid and lovely (they faded as he got older, though.) I remember bringing him home and Tri adopting him on first sight. He was Tri's other half for months until he started to outgrow that phase, and he was close to Tri for the rest of Tri's life. It helped that Tri let him "nurse" off him when he was very small lol. Loki had a lot of health problems in his early life, the worst of which was skin allergies that would make him scratch himself bloody at times. It took until he was 3 before I found a medication that would help him and he spent a lot of that time wearing the Cone Of Shame. Loki also suffered from pica and compulsively ate plastic and the hay from the rabbit cages, so I was always after him for that. I remember that Loki never learned to clean his own eyes because for the first three years of his life Tri did it for him, so after Tri was gone I always had to do it for him. But Loki was an absolute darling. He loved Mom even more than he loved me, which was always hilarious. He used to get SO excited when Mom came over to visit. He used to sleep really deeply, but he also slept on the VERY EDGE of furniture, so he would roll over in his sleep and fall off, landing on the floor with a RESOUNDING thud. In later years he decided he liked cuddling with my bare feet when I was laying in bed. Unfortunately, as part of his chronic, varied illness problem, he had a tendency toward urinary tract blockages, and finally just before I was set to move to Grandma's years ago, he had a blockage and the treatment for it was going to run into the THOUSANDS and... I had to have my precious boy put to sleep instead. He didn't understand what was happening in the end, I know that, but at least it was peaceful.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT ARJUNA ("JUNA"): Juna is my most recent loss, so the one I remember best aside from Pluto. I remember him showing up on my doorstep in a rainstorm when she was about five months old (based on his teeth), and when I opened the door he just wandered inside like he owned the place. I think I decided right then that I was going to keep him, though shortly where after I started trying to find him a new home because he seemingly wasn't getting along with Neko (more on that in Tia's entry.) For the first six-or-so years of his life, Juna was AGGRESSIVELY affectionate and affection-seeking, it was actually annoying at times, he was ALWAYS in everyone's face. He eventually outgrew that, though he was always a loving cat right up to the end. One time he got sick and scared the SHIT out of me; I was staying up to keep an eye on him and he stopped breathing. I had to shake him almost violently until he started breathing again.Then the next morning he was totally back to normal like he'd never been sick at all, never given me a COMPLETE HEART ATTACK, the little shit. When he got older, he developed digestive issues and joint problems in his back end. He was put on prescription food from the vet and Flexadin for his joints, but he HATED the vet food AND the Flexadin and wouldn't eat either. He started losing weight, until eventually he was emaciated and struggling. Still, he loved cuddles, heating pads and soft blankets and pillows, even if he couldn't play very much anymore. (He still loved catnip pouches, the laser light and tinkle balls, though.) The more time went on, the more Juna declined in health until finally I had to make the decision to have him euthanized. It was all he could do to just curl up on my bed and sleep to escape the pain. It hurt like hell to make that decision, and Pluto and I are both still grieving (I'm on the verge of tears just typing this) but I know I did the right thing. I'm satisfied knowing he's not in pain anymore.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT GWYDION ("DION"): Dion was a giant orange Squishmallow and I ADORED him for it. I met him when he was maybe eight weeks old and I was living in the apartment above the drug dealers. They brought home three little too-young kittens one summer and they proceeded to starve and generally neglect them terrible. The black one was too skittish, but the two orange ones kept coming up to my door to beg for food, and I of course fed them because I wasn't HEARTLESS. Finally, one day, one of them came up and I fed him and then just decided FUCK THOSE ABUSIVE ASSHOLES, THIS IS MY CAT NOW. I straight-up STOLE Dion and my only regret is that I didn't steal his orange brother, too. The black one had vanished at that point, so he was already lost. Anyway, Dion was SUCH a sweet and loving kitty right from Day One, and he and Tia got along SWIMMINGLY. When he was little (and to a lesser extent when he was older), he used to sleep in the FUNNIEST positions; I used to name them "the ballerina" or "this week's CSI murder victim"--those were two of my favorites. I have pictures of both of those ones. When we lived in the SUPER HOT greenhouse apartment downtown, he used to love to sleep in the MOLTEN LAVA sun spots despite the ambient temperature, and I was always mildly worried because orange cats are apparently more susceptible to heatstroke than other cats, but he was always fine. I remember Dion's obsession with food of all kinds that stemmed back to his kitten-hood, and how frustrating and amusing it was at the the same time. He would eat almost ANYTHING. After we moved in to Mom and Lee's house, he OBSESSED over Jessie and not in a good way. It was a constant battle to keep them apart and from ripping each other to shreds. Once we had Jessie's room figured out it was better. Eventually, though, Dion started fighting with Juna and Pluto, and he moved into my bedroom full-time. He was there when his teeth went downhill, and we did the basic surgery but that wasn't enough and I ended up having to have him put down because I wouldn't afford to send him to a specialty vet to have all of his teeth removed. It killed me, because Dion was my baby and we were really close. I hated having to put him down just because vet costs are so fucking outrageous. I miss him every day, and sometimes it's still raw sometimes...

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT TIAMAT ("TIA"): I remember that Tia was a bratty bratty brat brat right from the First Day, and it was hilarious to me the entire time I had her. Tia came into my life one day when I was downtown having my hair cut and it happened to be on a day when there was a street fair going on at the same time. Across the street from the hair salon was a box of kittens that someone was trying to give away, and Tia was the last one in the box, rolling around and playing with herself without a care in the world. She had a short, bobbed tail (she was a Manx cross) and I thought that was downright ADORABLE, so I took her home with me. Tia was always energetic, mischievous and ALL OVER THE PLACE, like she needed Kitty ADHD meds or something. Her favorite toy was bottle caps, especially the red ones from Coke bottles, and she would play fetch with them 5EVER if you let her. There were always two dozen bottle caps all over the floor, and if we were playing fetch right before bed and I quit to sleep, I would wake up in the morning with ALLLL the bottle caps in the bed with me--she would go around while I was sleeping and fetch them all and bring them to me even though I was sleeping! Tia was a tiny, small-boned, delicate-looking thing, she weighed maybe five or six pounds soaking wet, tops. She could walk all over you and your would barely even feel her. When I say she was a bratty brat, for example, when she first came into the house, she used to instigate fights between Neko and Juna, then run away so the boys got in trouble and she never did--until Mom CAUGHT HER IN THE ACT one day! The big problem with Tia was that when I had her spayed, she turned out to have ectopic uterine tissue (or so the vets suspected) so she continued going into heat once every month or so even though she was sterile/fixed. Her squalling was REALLY irritating, but it wasn't like she could help it. Tia died at home, and she died in pain. I highly suspect that she got into a mouse that had been poisoned, since there was nothing in my apartment that could have caused her symptoms. I never even got to take her to the vet; she got sick on a Sunday and died early Monday morning before the vet's office was even open. I held her while she died and Mom was on the phone with me the entire time. I remember her taking her last, shuddering breath and then being still. I hate whoever put out the poison.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT VESTA ("VES"/"VESSY"/"VESVES") & NIO:
Ves and Nio were adopted from a “kittens free to good home” ad. I found the flier outside a pet store, called the number and then went to the family’s apartment to look at the available kittens, and couldn’t decide between the black and the brindle so I ended up taking one of each (Ves was brindle and Nio was black. Ves had a cream glove on her front left paw that I LOVED.) They both started off as average kittens, but as they got older, Ves became a confident little kitty while Nio got more and more anxious and nervous about EVERYTHING. I don’t know what happened to make him like that but any time someone came over he ran and found the tiniest hidey-hole until the person left. Even around just ME he was anxious (except on soft food day)… until we moved to Penetang, at which point he started to settle down and even cuddle up next to me on the couch on a regular basis. (He still ran screaming when people came over, of course.) Ves, meanwhile, lived the normal life of a cat, played with the other kitties and aaaaall the toys and was generally a laid-back little girl. Through everything, she and Nio were a bonded pair, because they’d come from the same litter and grown up together… which meant that when I had to surrender them to the SPCA when they were around 4 years old, I had to surrender BOTH of them. Giving up my cats (Ves, Nio & Freya) to the SPCA was the hardest thing I’ve every hard to do, barring having cats put down for whatever reason. I made sure to tell the people at the SPCA that Ves and Nio were a bonded pair, though, and they promised to keep them together, so when I went to the website to check on them a bit later and Ves was up for adoption, but Nio wasn’t I was SO UPSET. Freya had already been adopted and Ves with surely be adopted quickly as well, but what about Nio? I talked to Mom and she called the SPCA branch they were being housed at and found out that they’d HAD to separate Ves and Nio because HIS freaking out was rubbing off on HER. They were going to send him to a foster home to try to calm in down, and I kind of thought… good luck, I spend 4 years doing that with no luck. Ves was adopted, thankfully, the same as Freya, but I never did find out what happened with Nio in the end…

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT LILITH ("LILY"):
Lily was my special girl right from Day One. She started out life with her mama abandoning her in the grass at Dad and Lois’ place when she was only a couple of weeks old, and Lois keeping her in the house and bottle feeding her after that. I said I would take her and so when she was 8 weeks old Dad came up and brought her to me. She was SO tiny, even though she was 8 weeks old she LOOKED like she was 4 weeks old; she even still had a little curl to the tips of her ears. She was SO tiny and delicate-looking I was afraid that the other cats would hurt her by accident, and I was also scared of the idea of her having the run of the apartment, especially at night and unsupervised… so the first night, I locked the other kitties out of the bedroom, supplied Lily with a litter box and food disk, and VERY POINTEDLY SET HER ON THE FLOOR FOR THE NIGHT. Then I woke up at 3am to her literally chewing on my nose. She had figured out how to climb the blankets. AND FROM THERE, THERE WAS NO STOPPING LILITH THE TERRIBLE. By two days later she was tearing around the place with the others (especially Juna) chasing her (Juna loved kittens and was always SO careful with them) and bowling her over and she was LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Shockingly, Lily didn’t end up being the smallest cat in my household. She outgrew Tia, first, and then eventually ended up at a heathy 8-9lbs for the rest of her life (until she got sick.) When she was 4, she started losing weight and I took her to the vet. She needed an ultrasound, which I couldn’t afford, but thankfully the Farley Foundation charity helped me out with that. When her ultrasound results came back she was diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease (which explains Tri’ll illness in the end, too, since it runs in family lines) and given about two months to live. She held out for six months in the end before she got sick enough that I had to have her put down. Right near the end she discovered a love for being outside on a leash, and I took her out a few times before she died just fresh air and because she adored it.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT FREYA: I only knew Freya for a short time, four months or so. She was wandering stray around the building I move into in Penetang in 2012, and I took her in. Freya had long, long, beautiful hair with tan markings around her eyes like eyeliner and I used to joke that if I didn’t have the Deity Cat Naming Thing, I would have named her “Maybelline.” I didn’t really have Freya for long enough to get to know her very well, but she was sweet and affectionate and got along well with the other cats. When it came time for me to take some of my cats to the SPCA, she was one I picked to go because I didn’t know her very well—and she was adopted within a day or two of arriving at the shelter.

THINGS I CURRENTLY KNOW ABOUT PLUTO: Pluto came into my life as a tiny kitten, half frozen in a puddle by my recycling bins in December or early January, I can’t remember which. I took him in and nursed him back to health and he became my absolute LOVE. He's timid around strangers and afraid of his own shadow but the most loving, affectionate cat in the world once he gets to know you. He turned 12 years old this past December, and only VERY recently started acting like an adult cat and not a full-blown kitten. He used to LOVE to play fetch, especially with the sproingy toys and pompoms, he would play for an hour nonstop when he was younger. Pluto is the reason no one could have sparkle ball toys and wubbas after he came into the house; he used to try to actually EAT them and I had to take them away so he wouldn't CHOKE and DIE. This remains true to this day. He has astomatosis, but a VERY mild case of it, so even though he was diagnosed when he was 4 years old and the vet only gave him a couple of years because of being on the prednisole, he's made it all the way to 12, no sweat. (Unlike Kali.) Pluto is a blanket baby; he loves to burrow (or get help from us) under blankets and be a blanket lump all the time. When he's very happy with me, he likes to give kisses right against my chin and lips. He LOVES Temptations cat treats, but his current favorite human food treats are bits of the popcorn chicken from TV dinners, cheddar cheese, and the insides of the pork dumplings I make sometimes. He ADORES belly pets (belly pets ALL THE TIME, PLEASE!!) and unlike with most cats the invitation (usually) isn't a trap. Since we lost Juna, he’s become even more cuddly with me, and I’ve started letting him sleep in the bedroom with me. He sleeps SO well on the pillows next to me, almost never fusses, except for the occasional time he leans over my shoulder and licks my cheek. He's essentially a giant bottle baby even though I never ACTUALLY bottle fed him, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's my boy.

THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT KALI: Kali was adopted from the Comfie Cat Shelter, and was the first of my cats to be adopted from a shelter. When I met her, she was underweight because she wasn't eating at the shelter and was basically starving herself (her sister, Tabby, wasn't having that problem), and they were very worried about her. They waived the adoption fee for me because they wanted her to go to a home so badly. Kali started off being spelled "Cali" and I just switched the C to a K to match my Deities Cat Naming Theme. When I got Kali home I had the same problem with getting her to eat as the shelter had been having, and after a few days I was starting to panic--until Mom suggested feeding her on a SAUCER instead of out of a BOWL, and THAT was the magic button! Things just went uphill from there, EXCEPT... Kali turned out to have astomatosis, the same condition Pluto has, so she had to be put on prednisole as well. But that started out as a small thing and she was really good about taking her pills. Once I got her eating properly, Kali gained some weight and her coat, formerly scruffy, became gorgeous. She was a BEAUTIFUL cat and very photogenic, and I have SO MANY photos of her from the three-ish years that I had her. On top of being LOVELY, Kali was an absolute SWEETHEART, she loved attention and hilariously adored cuddling with my shoes. She also loved getting under blankets, and had a habit of pulling my video games out so she could get into the space behind them. She and Pluto would play at that for hours. After we moved the Grandma's and then Mom and my Stepdad's, she started fighting with the boys in the basement overnight, so she got transferred up to my bedroom to mitigate the cat screaming. She used to let me boop her snooter whenever I wanted and slept on the pillows next to me perfectly politely. Then one day her astomatosis acted up, and she was already on the max dose of prednisole, so... sadly I had to have her put down. She was my girl and I'll miss her lovely face forever, but she was suffering and that wasn't okay. Love you, Kali.

For some reason, the last two weeks since I had to have Juna put down, I've been thinking about Poe a lot.

This time last year, and the year before, I was thinking about them all the time and it was incredibly painful, a hollow ache, a gaping hole inside of me because of what they did, but now it's just... a vaguely aching kind of nostalgia, I guess. It's hard to explain, but it's like I'm numb now.

I think possibly the reason I'm thinking about them so much right now is because they always really liked Juna, so I associate them to a certain extent. Doesn't help that my room is still full of reminders of them; artwork and plushies and knickknacks that they sent me over the time that we were friends, for holidays and just randomly. I packed away a bunch of stuff, but there's still some around, so...

I don't know. My life the last couple of weeks has been sad for more than one reason...

Tomorrow will be one week since I had to have Juna put down. I try not to think about it because it still hurts so much but the smallest thing will remind me and put tears in my eyes. I'm not flat-out bawling anymore but I still tear up and sniffle. I guess that's a step in the right direction. I'm still lighting a candle for everyone I've lost once a day (they burn for about 4 hours) but right now most of my thoughts when they're burning are directed toward Juna, admittedly. Spending tons of time with Pluto is helpful. He's cute and distracting and sometimes infuriating at the same time. Heh.

Speaking of Pluto, we are making steps in teaching him to eat from the automatic feeder. Now he'll at least eat out of the metal DISH, just not while it's IN THE FEEDER. I'm going to give him a few more days of that and then try to figure out how to get him to eat out of the feeder itself, though I'm not sure HOW because he's afraid of the open-and-close lid mechanism to it. Maybe if I set the close speed to the slowest setting? I dunno, I'll figure it out...

I was supposed to mail a small parcel to Chelsea at the end of January, but then everything with Juna happened and I can't afford it. I messaged her last night to let her know it would be delayed and why and she was totally understanding. I knew she would be, I just wanted her to know. We also reaffirmed that even though we aren't DATING anymore we still mean a lot to one another, which was really nice. I still adore her, regardless, which is why I feel bad postponing the package. It's just a bracelet and some buttons, but still. I promised, you know?

Health-wise, I've still got a touch of the stomach flu from like FIVE WEEKS AGO, but I also think I'm making it worse by unintentionally overdosing on Gravol. I think the max dosage per day is like 400mg and that's 8 pills per day and I KNOW some days I've taken more than that. Not on purpose but just because I've been SO NAUSEOUS and I don't know what else to do. Like, what is the correct course of action when you're SUPER sick to your stomach but the nausea meds are making it worse? I don't even know. Anyway, so I decided that no matter how sick I feel during the day anymore I'm capping myself at 5 Gravol just to be safe. I'm not going to talk to Mom about this because she'll just yell at me.

Also, over the last few months I've been losing my hair. ALL of my hair. I don't shave my legs but they are completely hair-free now, and most of my pubic hair and underarm hair is gone as well. The hair on my head is HALF as thick as it used to be, so it's obviously falling out, too. I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but I have a suspicion that it has to do with my liver disease; when I looked it up, Teh Google told me that liver disease can definitely cause hair loss because of hormone imbalance and whatnot. But I'm not going to panic about it until I talk to Dr. K; I have an appointment with her in March.

I started a rewatch of Criminal Minds a few days ago to help keep my mind off everything and now I'm about 1/3 of the way through Season 3. I'm having the WEIRDEST deja vu where the dialogue and camera work reminds me of Supernatural sometimes... not in WHAT they say, obviously, but in the way they phrase it? Makes me wonder if some of the SPN people worked on Criminal Minds beforehand, or if it's all just in my head, haha.

Right now I'm staring down the barrel of having to have Juna put to sleep.

A couple months ago when I started him on the Solid BM Gold he got a ton better, gained weight and everything, but then he started having trouble with it and I had to take him off it again. He lost all the weight he'd gained, plus some. He's all skin and bones and in so much pain now. He just sleeps all the time, and he's basically stopped grooming entirely. He doesn't eat almost at all anymore either. It's just...

It's not fair to him to make him continue to suffer the way he is, but making this decision has KILLED me. It does every time.

It's going to cost $340+tax and I DO NOT have that money RIGHT NOW, but I don't want him to continue to struggle while I fumble to try to get the cash put together. I asked Mom if she would front my the money and she said she'd think about it, but I'm not getting my hopes up because every time I borrow money she gets pissed, even if it's for a really good reason.

I also sent an email to Aunt Brenda asking about burying Juna behind the double garage in Baysville like I have been all this time with my cats, at least while Grandma was letting me. Again, though, I'm not getting my hopes up because Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec don't seem to want much to do with me, especially when it comes to the property.

Just in case, I also messaged Dad and asked if, if Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec say "no", I could take Juna down and bury him on Lois' property, and he said yes that would be fine. It would be in a few months, obviously, since it's the middle of winter now, but at least I have a backup plan in case Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec are dicks about the whole thing.

This whole thing has me spun right out. I can't stop crying intermittently. Like every time I look at Juna or think about him.

I miss him already.

Christmas this year has been really messed up.

At first we weren't going to have an Extended Family Christmas and then at the very last minute with like a week's notice Uncle Alec and Aunt Brenda decided that they wanted to have one after all, so we were supposed to go up to Baysville on the 19th... and then on the 18th Lee went back into the hospital with a bladder/urinary tract thing that's been bothering him for a while. This time they admitted him for a few days. So, we didn't make it to Extended Family Christmas.

Then on the 20th, we were supposed to have our Family Christmas with just the four of us, but of course Lee was in the hospital and he couldn't postpone because my brother was going out of country like the next day. So, Mom, Trunks and I had Christmas just the three of us, and it actually turned out to be pretty good. My brother was cheerful and funny and the way he used to be, and it was really nice to spend the time with him, even though Lee wasn't there. Maybe MORE SO because Lee wasn't there.

My brother got me a $100 Michaels' gift card, and Mom and Lee got me a Jurassic Park t-shirt (that actually FITS), a Captain America plushie, a huge thing of Fererro Roche, a pack of paintbrushes and a bunch of nifty charms for making into jewelry. I've already spent some of Trunks' gift card on chain, clasps and more charms, and I need to go back for gold-tone ear hooks and headpins.

Saying goodbye to my brother was pleasant that day, too, I wished Trunks a happy trip and actually meant it. And thinking about how that day went, how it was so BACK TO NORMAL, makes me SO happy, makes me want to cry.

Anyway, then Mom, Lee and I were supposed to go over to Amy, Brit and Cobin's place for Christmas with THEM on the 24th, but Lee only JUST got out of the hospital the afternoon of that day, so it got pushed back to the 27th, which I guess is... tomorrow. .__.; Now they're going to come over here for brunch around 10am instead, which is way too fucking early, WHAT is everyone's obsession with BRUNCH?? But whatever.

And I have no idea if/when Dad is coming up or not. He said something about maybe coming between now and January 2nd because he has that time off, but he also said something about just mailing my gifts, so like?? And I CAN'T mail his and Lois' stuff, I am BROKE, so I don't know what he expects from me. ~_~;;