I Am Enough (Except Not Really)
Jan. 9th, 2025 09:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
senashentaI have this ring, it's just a simple base metal band that says "I am enough" on it. I bought it for myself, which is kind of sad. I wear it every day, to try remind myself that I'm not completely useless. Not a total waste of space. Even on the good days it doesn't help much, and on bad days it doesn't help at all, but it's a little thing to try to bring myself up. Sometimes just looking at it makes me cry, though, because I feel like such a failure in every possible regard.
I haven't had good self esteem since a very brief period during high school. My life has been one colossal fuck up after another, some of them my fault and others beyond my control. The only good thing about me is my creativity and even that I haven't managed to do anything with because of health problems. I feel like... a burden on my family and the one or two friends I have left in this world. I can't even live on my own because I can't work because of all my fucked up health conditions, so I'm pressing on my parents by living with them, and I know after like six years... I know I've worn out my welcome. Not just with Lee, but with Mom, too, even though they haven't said as much. I can tell.
I just wish I'd been born with good health. I feel like that would have made a huge difference in my life. But I was dealt the shitty cards in that regard, and I just have to live with it, which sucks. I'm a good person. I'm kind. I'm generous. I'm creative. I didn't deserve everything life has thrown at me, right since Day 1. And now the NAFLD thing on top of everything else... I just don't know.
I think some of this is coming from the fact my ADHD meds have stopped working and my brain is a mess right now. Then again, it's always a mess.
tldr; everything sucks.
I haven't had good self esteem since a very brief period during high school. My life has been one colossal fuck up after another, some of them my fault and others beyond my control. The only good thing about me is my creativity and even that I haven't managed to do anything with because of health problems. I feel like... a burden on my family and the one or two friends I have left in this world. I can't even live on my own because I can't work because of all my fucked up health conditions, so I'm pressing on my parents by living with them, and I know after like six years... I know I've worn out my welcome. Not just with Lee, but with Mom, too, even though they haven't said as much. I can tell.
I just wish I'd been born with good health. I feel like that would have made a huge difference in my life. But I was dealt the shitty cards in that regard, and I just have to live with it, which sucks. I'm a good person. I'm kind. I'm generous. I'm creative. I didn't deserve everything life has thrown at me, right since Day 1. And now the NAFLD thing on top of everything else... I just don't know.
I think some of this is coming from the fact my ADHD meds have stopped working and my brain is a mess right now. Then again, it's always a mess.
tldr; everything sucks.
