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Today was apparently Bird Apocalypse Day and nobody warned me ahead of time.

Basically, I was sitting around with Pluto, minding my own business, watching a movie, and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, the freaking ceiling hook holding Emmett and Rosie's cage CAME OUT and the cage came CRASHING DOWN to the ground. I jumped six feet into the air, Pluto BOLTED out the door and Mom came upstairs to make sure I was alright because all she and LEE knew was that there was a RESOUNDING crash and thud from my bedroom.

The cage had fallen apart in every way it possibly COULD, birdseed was ALL across my bedroom, and I had to slam my door shut because Emmett and Rosie were LOOSE, FLYING AROUND THE ROOM and I didn't want them getting into the rest of the house. Rosie, doofus that she is, just kept bouncing off walls until she knocked into the corner and fell down behind the bed where I absolutely COULD NOT reach her. Emmett flapped around all over the place, too, but in a much more calculated manner. I still wasn't able to catch her.

So, for the time being, I just left the birds to do their thing and started putting the cage back together and cleaning it up, then vacuumed my room for what felt like a DECADE. It still needs more vacuuming, but I had to stop because my back and ribs were SCREAMING at me. It's probably 75% done, at this point.

In the middle of vacuuming, though, Rosie toddled out from under the bed and started flapping around and bonking into things again, and eventually she knocked herself off a wall and fell back behind my emergency backpack, and I was able to reach in there and pull her out (at the expense of most of her tail feathers.) She put up a fight, though, bit the SHIT out of me! Budgies have sharp, strong little beaks, wow!

There are two problems now. 1) I can't hang the cage back up because I don't know where the stud is but obviously it's not where we thought it was. Also I can't even FIND the hook right now. And 2) EMMETT IS STILL ON THE LOOSE. (Free Bird plays in the bg.) She has found a spot where I can't reach her, up on top of one of my Pop!s on the very top shelf, and seems perfectly comfortable there. I have no idea how I'm going to catch her and get her back into the cage with her sister. :|

Anyway, that's how my afternoon has been going so far. Updates as the situation hiccups.

Update: Just before 9:30pm, Emmett finally decided to come down off the tippy top of my highest shelves and flap around for a bit, and she crash landed on my bed, got caught up in my blankets, and I was able to nab her! She got nearly seven hours of freedom, but now Em is back in the cage with Rosie where she belongs, yay! (Now they both just have EPIC TRAUMA to work through, plus the fact that their cage is on the floor now. :P)

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: N/A: "Like A Bat Outta Hell" on Tubi.

Lee's been home from the hospital for a couple of days, now, and I have to admit that having him back hasn't been as terrible as I anticipated it being. Normally, when he's sick or after a surgery all he does is bitch and moan constantly, but this time he's being surprisingly chill and upbeat. It's much more tolerable than I thought it was going to be. I still didn't miss the TV always being on and at max volume, though. Or the sports on the television almost constantly.

Anyway.

I was supposed to be writing Going International this week, but when I really thought about it, as much as I liked the concept of Going International, I only shoehorned it in to explain the ending of Hunting Souls and I actually really dislike the ending of Hunting Souls ANYWAY. So, I'm just going to rework the Hunting Souls ending and that meant I could scrap Going International, but then I had an empty space. Thus, Burrowers!

I've been working on Burrowers the last few days and it's up to 16,499 words and nowhere near done. It's going to be a long one. But I have to have it finished by this Monday coming up because on TUESDAY I'm starting a month of working exclusively on TKA to try to finish it up (finally.) Just the writing part, not the editing part.

...I know I promised I wouldn't email/message Poe anymore, but I'm considering sending them one more email once TKA is finished and edited, telling them I finally finished it and asking if they want to read it, since they helped me out so much with character building and stuff over the time we were friends. But I don't know. Maybe I should just get it published (hopefully) and THEN contact them, ask if I can send them a copy? I'll figure it out when the time comes, I guess.

Maybe I should talk to Mom about it, she's good with the advice, a lot of the time.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Cull, the respirologist that Dr. K referred me to a while back. They told her that she's seeing me for "asthma" and I'm like WHY does no one believe me that there is SOMETHING ELSE going on, here?? So, I'll have to explain everything to her and hope she believes me because all the tests keep coming back normal. Updates on this later, I guess.

EDIT: Also, today I messed around on VistaPrint and designed a couple of new mugs (because I'm all about the mugs), one is a NaNoWriMo 2024 Winner mug and one is an Esprit Studios mug and I want them both (and the Jaskier one I made forever ago) very badly but they are going to cost me like $60 (including shipping) and I don't have that monies. Boo.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: N/A: "Final Destination 4" on Riptide.

The last week has been FANTASTIC without Lee here, and I do logically know how terrible it is to say that when the man is in the hospital after having emergency surgery, but that's just how I feel. Honestly, I can't stand him most of the time.

I can't stand him LAYING around doing nothing but making his back and his heart worse, I can't stand that he has to have the television on CONSTANTLY if he's awake and downstairs (or the fact that he watches it at MAX VOLUME, either.) I can't stand that he's ALWAYS in "his spot" on the couch and every time I go downstairs he literally watches everything I do, and clocks everything I take out of the kitchen with a judgemental look on his face. I hate that the only time I can use the TV is in the middle of the night when I'm FUCKING SLEEPING. I hate how he's the laziest man on the PLANET, never helps out with ANYTHING around here. But mostly I hate that Mom refuses to say anything to him about ANY OF THIS because she doesn't want to start a fight, and I'M not allowed to.

The last seven days have been AMAZING, except for the fact that Mom is run ragged right now, and I honestly wish he wasn't coming home at all. Which is a horrible thing to say, but it's true. He's coming home this afternoon, though, so I'm stuck with him again and I'm literally crying at the very thought.

I desperately need my own place again. DESPERATELY.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: N/A

Mom and I were talking today and she reminded me of something.

About seven or eight years ago I was hospitalized for being suicidal (if they only knew what I'd been through since then...) and spent a couple of days in lock-up where they took away most of my things, the things that helped me get through the day, and stuck me in a room with a woman who thought she needed to know ALL of my business when I just wanted to be left alone. Sufficed to say it was not a good time, and did not help my suicidal ideations, though I eventually told them I was feeling better just to get the fuck out of there. I've always been good at faking it.

And interesting thing that happened while I was there, though, was that they gave me a bunch of different personality tests, and they came back that I was ONE POINT OFF from having Borderline Personality Disorder. Which. I mean. Probably explains a few things. And apparently, BPD and Bi-Polar Disorder can be mistaken for each other, or you can have both, they often go hand-in-hand, so it's entirely possible that I actually have both, at least to some degree.

When I read about BPD I feel like I'm reading about myself, mostly, but it's the same with Bi-Polar Disorder. I think my brain is just so messed up there's no telling what my problems really are anymore. But it would explain a lot, like I said. My tendency to self-destruct friendships, the fact that I literally could give a lesser shit if Lee ever comes home from the hospital, that kind of stuff. I dunno. Just something to think about, I guess.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: N/A

Alright. So.

Saturday night, Lee went to the hospital in an ambulance and things just went downhill from there. :D

The way Mom tells it, he woke up at 1am in horrendous pain, and proceeded to wait TWO HOURS before waking her up because of it. When she asked if he needed to go to the hospital, he said yes, so she got dressed and then got his clothes together as well because he always refuses to go to the hospital in his underwear, no matter the emergency. But then when she was trying to get him DRESSED, he was in so much pain he was curled into the fetal position and couldn't get out of it, so Mom made the executive decision to call 911 for an ambulance. When the ambulance got here they managed to get him down the stairs on the stretcher and took him to the hospital.

I, of course, slept through all of this.

Anyway, at the hospital they ran tests and discovered that something in his GI tract was leaking air into his body cavity, so he basically had the bends (OUCH), and upon further tests and exploration, it was determined that his STOMACH had a hole in it. Now, he has had a hernia for a while now, apparently, but it turns out the hernia was his stomach displacing itself and shoving up into his rib cage, where his diaphragm proceeded to rub a hole in it just out of spite, I guess.

So, they had a tube up his nose and into his stomach to suck out all the bile and stuff so THAT didn't leak into his body cavity, and were giving him morphine for the pain while they figured out the surgery situation. And THEN it turned out that there was no one in Orillia who could DO the surgery he needed, so they packed him into an ambulance (again) and hauled him off to Oshawa (about an hour and a half drive from here), where he pretty much immediately went into surgery. They fixed everything, tacked his stomach into it's proper place so it can't go roaming around again, and now...

He's spending the week in Oshawa. The first couple days he's not been allowed anything to eat or drink, all his nutrients have been given to him in an IV, but they're going to put him on a liquid diet today... I think? And when he comes home he'll still be on the liquid diet for a while longer.

I am not looking forward to him coming home. I am ENJOYING him not being here. But on top of that, Lee is a HORRIBLE post-surgery patient. He bitches and whines and moans CONSTANTLY about EVERYTHING and it's INFURIATING. He's the same way when he gets sick, too. Like, I understand a moderate amount of complaining, you just had surgery, but sometimes you could just SHUT YOUR TRAP, too.

Also, when he's back he's going to IMMEDIATELY turn the TV on, and it'll go back to being on (and LOUD) for all of his waking hours. It's NICE to have it off right now, or to be able to watch shows I like once in a while, rather than just SPORTS and PROCEDURAL COPS SHOWS RERUNS constantly. And now he's got a reason for not cleaning the basement like he's supposed to, so THAT'S gonna get dropped like a hot rock. Or I'm going to have to do it.

I just...

Look, I love the man, but I don't LIKE him very much. He's lazy and selfish and will use any excuse to validate those things, and every time he has to have surgery, no matter how minor (this one was a major one, though, I will admit), he does just that. It drives me fucking NUTS.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: N/A

HORROR HIGH (complete, edited, posted, 10 chapters, 70,659 words)

POST-HORROR HIGH ONE-SHOTS:
1) Cheap Motel (complete, edited, posted) (14,984 words)
2) Snapshot (complete, edited, posted) (17,312 words)
3) Southern Hospitality (complete, edited, posted) (22,980 words)
4) Cornfields (complete, edited, posted) (17,862 words)
5) Comfort Food (complete, edited, posted) (17,247 words)
6) Something To Be Protected (complete, edited, posted) (18,295 words)
7) Counting Scars (complete, edited, posted) (12,080 words)
8) Breathe (complete, edited, posted) (18,627 words)
9) Cerulean Blue (complete, edited, posted) (16,134 words)
10) Everything I Do (complete, edited, posted) (13,851 words)
11) Puppy Love (complete, edited, posted) (19,943 words)
12) Summer Nights (complete, edited, posted) (19,534 words)
13) Absolute Devotion (complete, edited, posted) (21,068 words)
14) Solid Foundations (complete, edited, posted) (17,892 words)
15) Lifeline (complete, edited, posted) (20,484)
16) Afterglow (complete, edited, posted) (17,779 words)
17) Nightlight (complete, edited)
18) Say Something (complete, edited, posted) (17,372 words)
19) Put Your Hands On Me (incomplete)
20) Falling Stars (complete, edited, posted) (14,601 words)

STORM SEASON (complete, edited, posted, 10 chapters, 77,127 words)

POST-STORM SEASON ONE-SHOTS:
1) When Lightning Strikes (complete, edited, posted) (demons/elemental) (14,990 words)
2) Ghost In The Machine (complete, edited, posted) (poltergeist) (17,091 words)
3) Pinfeathers (complete, edited, posted) (just Destiel) (15,765 words)
4) Teeth (complete, edited, posted) (tooth fairy) (18,469 words)
5) Nightingale (complete, edited, posted) (succubus) (12,212 words)
6) Going International (incomplete) (baobhan sith/each-uisge)
7) Hunting Souls (complete, needs editing) (Crowley/hellhounds)
8) Echoes (complete, needs editing) (spell gone wrong)
9) Endling (complete, needs editing) (original monster)
10) Supply And Demand (incomplete) (black market monster trade)
11) Fetters (complete, needs editing) (nightmare/demons)
12) Temper Tantrums (incomplete) (poltergeist)
13) Baby (incomplete) (spell gone wrong... sort of)
14) What Angels Dream (incomplete) (djinn)
15) Grace (incomplete) (phoenix)
16) Hollow Things (incomplete) (rabid werewolves)
17) The Desert Tide (incomplete) (kelpies)
18) Coyote Country (incomplete) (wendigo)
19) Coulrophobia (incomplete) (demon clown)
20) Creepy Crawlies (incomplete) (okumade)
21) Run Hide Die (incomplete) (hydra)
22) The Wolf (incomplete) (charnel cow)
23) Crawlspace (incomplete) (ghost)
24) Mirrors (incomplete) (basilisk)
25) Sudden Cardiac Arrest (incomplete) (humans, man)
26) Day Drinking (incomplete) (ghouls)
27) Mockingbird (incomplete) (wolpertinger)
28) Dreamcatcher (incomplete) (demon)
29) Magpies (incomplete) (original monster)
30) Dogman (incomplete) (dogman)
31) Stalactites (incomplete) (wyvern)
32) Fairy Tales (incomplete) (unicorn... ish)
33) Eyes In The Dark (incomplete) (mothman)
34) The Thirteenth Child (incomplete) (Jersey devil)
35) Split (incomplete) (manananggal)
36) High Noon (incomplete) (chupacabras)
37) Animal (incomplete) (nandi bear)
38) Billabong (incomplete) (bunyip)
39) Tricks No Treats (incomplete) (coyote trickster)
40) Territoriality (incomplete) (Unhcegila/Sally)
41) Clash Of The Titans (incomplete) (Mishipeshu/Thunderbird)
42) Daylight (incomplete) (gargoyle)
43) Slither (incomplete) (titanoboa)
44) Burrunjor (incomplete) (burrunjor)
45) Leave No Traces (incomplete) (Keelut)
46) Runaway (incomplete) (amazons)
47) Bray Road (incomplete) (the beast of Bray Road)
48) Shearing Time (incomplete) (sheepsquatch)
49) Let Them In (incomplete) (BEK)
50) The Devil's Highway (incomplete) (Highway 666/elemental)
51) Crawlers (incomplete) (pale crawlers)
52) Clowder (incomplete) (original monster)
53) The Owl (incomplete) (la lechuza)
54) Dracula Drive (incomplete) (melonheads)
55) Papio Devilicus (incomplete) ("devil monkey")
56) Conspiracies (incomplete) (subterranean reptoids)
57) The Tall Ones (incomplete) (slenderman tulpa)
58) Accursed (incomplete) (dybbuk)
59) Stay (incomplete) (devil dogs)
60) Tiny Calamity (incomplete) (evil gnomes)
61) Bad Monkey (incomplete) (flying rebobs)
62) Foxfire (incomplete) (child fox familiar)
63) Controlled Descent (incomplete) (the angel Dima)
64) Midnight Spirits (incomplete) (midnight Spirit Mass)
65) Remembrance (incomplete) (malevolent spell)
66) Wind-Up (incomplete) (cursed object)
67) Cobweb (incomplete) (djieien)
68) Better Angels (incomplete) (angel hunter)
69) Enter The Sandman (incomplete) (original monster)
70) Bed Of Roses (incomplete) (poltergeist)
71) Murmur (incomplete) (humans, man/original "monster")
72) 2140 Degrees Fahrenheit (incomplete) (Kaupe)
73) Creeping Death (incomplete) (original monster)
74) Nightmare Fodder (incomplete) (spell gone awry)
75) Not Deer (incomplete) (Not-Deer)
76) Loveland (incomplete) (Loveland frogman)
77) For Honor (incomplete) (gryphon)
78) Wayward Daughters (complete, edited) (spell gone awry... sort of)
79) Halcyon Days (complete, edited) (just Destiel)
80) Serendipity (complete, edited) (just Destiel)

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: N/A

Mom and Lee are nickel-and-diming me to death. I already pay more here for room/board than I am allotted by ODSP and it's supposed to cover everything, including my food. Now, when I want snacks and stuff, I pay for them myself, but actual FOOD is supposed to be covered. But when I ask for V8 juice for my special diet, or hot house tomatoes because roma tomatoes are bullshit, they force me to pay for that as well. This week I asked for turkey lunch meat, which I get occasionally and have NEVER had to pay for it before, and suddenly Mom has decided that I have to pay for it out of pocket. It's like $15.50.

And that's another thing. I'm CONSTANTLY picking up little odds-and-sods of snacks for them when I find stuff I think they'd like, but I NEVER ask them to pay for them, even when they offer. But if I "buy" something for $12.25 you had better bet I'm PAYING THAT QUARTER because they are NOT willing to round down. They'll round UP if it's in pennies, but NEVER DOWN. I need some form of groceries every week that aren't their "normal" groceries because of my fucking liver but they won't give a Goddamn INCH.

It's no wonder I never have any money.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: N/A

The last little while the axolotl tank has gotten a little smelly, and I can only attribute it to two possible things. 1) The water that's leaked out the cracks in the bottom and is sitting there getting mouldy while my ribs heal to the point I can actually tackle swapping the tank out for the new one or 2) The external filter needing desperately to be cleaned.

You typically don't use external filters with axolotl aquariums, just the internal ones, but the internal ones only filter chemicals, not particulates, so I have both going on. Anyway, so tonight I unplugged the external filter and took it to the basement and cleaned it thoroughly, and then when I brought it back up and put it back in place... it won't turn on. I THINK I accidentally got some water into the motor casing while I was cleaning it, so I'm leaving it to dry out overnight and tomorrow I'll give it a try again. If it still doesn't work I'll have to buy a new one, which I CAN NOT afford. =/

Other than that, a little over a week ago I bought two black sweet potato vines from the garden shop at Country Produce, and one of them (Castiel) I put in the aquarium and he is THRIVING HOLY SHIT. He sits right next to Dean, naturally, but Dean isn't doing well atm, most of his leaves have systematically fallen off, especially the last little while. I have a spare Dean downstairs, though, so I just have to do some pruning and fixing and current!Dean with spare!Dean and he should be fine. Sam is still doing really well, too, and though Jack is recovering from when Pluto... ate some of him, because he was living on my windowsill next to my bed. EVENTUALLY JACK WILL BE BIG ENOUGH TO JOIN HIS FAMILY.

I've had two orders of computer ink lately where one of the cartridges was defective and my printer couldn't read it. I just returned one like yesterday, and the replacement one that came in today needs to be replaced too. I'm really fucking annoyed, but at least Amazon has a good returns policy. *shrug*

Tomorrow is Thursday, which means it's Fic Update Day on my literally nonexistent update schedule lmao. I'll be posting Solid Foundations, and I already have Nightlight finished and edited for next week. I'm currently working on Put Your Hands On Me for the week after, and then that's the end of the post-HH fics, and I'll be working on post-SS fics instead, which are totally different stuff.

But before I start posting more post-SS fics, I'm taking a break (for real this time!) to finish up TKA, and maybe get a start on My Zombie or Freefall, Then I'll go back to writinf post-SS fics for a while, and then after a few of them I'll take another break to work on something else. Maybe Frailty or Tempest. I haven't quite decided yet, I just know I need to at least PERIODICALLY work on stuff that isn't related to Horror High et al, as much as I love it.

Which reminds me, I've gotten a couple of really nice reviews since I posted Absolute Devotion, ones that were really kind and made me feel really good about myself and my writing. But in the notes for Absolute Devotion I talked about how it was a good thing I didn't mind not getting any kudos/comments on my stuff because I get like less than 200 hits and maybe 7 kudos and no comments on most of my fics. I guess a few people read that and took it to heart. It was nice.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: N/A: "Zombie Town" on Tubi.

Alright. Well. So. Um, I have been adding to the post-SS fics again and now we are up to freaking SEVENTY-FIVE, or, well, seventy-FOUR, I guess, right now, but we all know I work in multiples of 5 so I'm currently on the lookout for one more good monster to bring the total up to the seventy-five. :P

63) Controlled Descent (incomplete) (the angel Dima)
64) Midnight Spirits (incomplete) (midnight Spirit Mass)
65) Rememberance (incomplete) (malevolent spell)
66) Wind-Up (incomplete) (cursed object)
67) Cobweb (incomplete) (djieien)
68) Better Angels (incomplete) (angel hunter)
69) Bed Of Roses (incomplete) (poltergeist)
70) Murmur (incomplete) (humans, man/original "monster")
71) Paradoxical (incomplete) (Kaupe)
72) ?????

Yeah.

I posted Absolute Devotion yesterday and so far it's doing alright, at least by the standards of the rest of the series. I did get a review (that was really nice, positive and uplifting, I appreciated it a lot) but so far only 4 kudos and 119 hits all together. Sometimes it feels like... why bother? But I know there are a FEW people out there who are following along and I'm still enjoying writing for post-HH and post-SS, so as long as that keeps up I'll keep going.

Right now I'm working on Nightlight and so far it's 16 pages and 8,047 words, but it's coming along nicely. The post-HH one-shots typically have no real plot and are just written for the sake of smut and fluff. Nightlight is no different. When I get back into the post-SS fics, THEN I'll have plots to work with, just. With smut and fluff included as well. :| lol.

Anyway.

It took two weeks, but my leg is much better than it was, it almost doesn't hurt at all anymore, so I'm not LIMPING much anymore, so my ankle/knee/hip on my OTHER leg are starting to be not quite so sore. Everything is a freaking chain reaction, man, and it sucks. My back and ribs are buggered even more from me limping around the last couple weeks as well. Hopefully they'll start feeling better soon, too.

This morning, my printer ran out of color ink and when I put a new cartridge in it refused to recognize it and kept telling me my ink was empty. I tried taking it out and putting it back in a bunch of times but it was still a no-go. So, finally I dug out a DIFFERENT cartridge and put IT in and BINGO! it worked perfectly fine. I held onto the other one to try one more time when the current cartridge is empty, but I think it's just defective and I'm actually kind of pissed off. Each of those cartridges costs me like $20. =/

Aaaaand now I have to go downstairs because it's my day to cook dinner! Ciao!

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: N/A: "Mirrors" on Tubi.

Today I finished editing Solid Foundations, and while it's not my FAVORITE of the post-HH one-shots, it's definitely solid. After all my edits it came out to 17,903 words, which is shorter than some of my recent one-shots but kind of in-between the really long ones and the shorter ones. I'm happy with it.

Now I'm working on Nightlight, and after Nightlight comes Put Your Hands On Me, and then that's the end of the post-HH one-shots and I'll be transitioning back into the post-SS ones instead. I already have four finished that just need editing, I think, but before I tackle THAT I need to write and edit Going International, since it got kind of shoehorned in at the last minute. =/ BUT SCOTTISH MONSTERS, THOUGH!

The last couple weeks I've had a huge patch of my inner right thigh that has been absolutely KILLING ME, even though there's been no bruising or swelling or even redness. I highly suspect that I have an abscess because of my Hidradenitis Suppurativa, but I've been avoiding going to the hospital because if I go to the ER and tell them "my leg hurts" I'm going to be the lowest on the list and I'll have to sit there for two fucking days until I eventually see a Doctor.

Anyway, the last couple of days the pain has been subsiding so I'm hoping whatever's going on is going away, finally. But in the meantime I've been limping HEAVILY, and that's fucked up the ankle/knee/hip on my OTHER leg so now I'm just in pain everywhere because my ribs and back are still being jerks, too. Blegh.

Yesterday I rearranged the shelves in the library/cat room. It took me all afternoon and I almost died (because of my ribs and back especially) but I got it done. The first thing I had to do was empty (almost) everything (books) off of the wooden shelves and get Mom to help me move them over about five inches. Then I had to empty the first set of black plastic shelves and unscrew them from the wall to move THEM over five inches. This is all to make room for the NEW set of black plastic shelves, which I then had to assemble and screw into place before I could put everything back on the shelves again.

I pinched my thumb putting together the new shelves and ended up with a big blood blister that I subsequently popped, so my thumb is sore now but that's a little thing. And now all of my binders fit on the shelves, and I even have spare room for FUTURE binders, too! Also, when I put all my books back on the first set of shelves I actually ORGANIZED them! So. Success! But then I died a little because EVERYTHING HURT. Everything STILL hurts.

At some point today I need to get the towels down on the floor under the rug that my computer table sits on, I'm just trying to keep the legs from making further furrows into the carpet, since I drag the table back and forth so much. I'll probably do that once I'm done posting this entry.

Also, my Internet just cut out. Goddammit.

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: N/A: "The Devil You Know" on Tubi.

It's the second of the month and I have $38 in my bank account. Today Mom was supposed to take me out to buy the rest of my monthly groceries and stuff, but obviously that's not happening. We did go back to Walmart this afternoon, though, to return a binder and a pair of pants that I bought on Saturday and turned out to be incorrect. I was able to exchange the binder for the correct one, but the pants were out of stock so I couldn't get a new pair in another size, so that added $30 to my account, but now I'm back to having no pants that fit. =/ Since I HAD that additional $30, though, we went to Canadian Tire so I could pick up the set of shelves that I needed, so at least that's done.

On the 10th I get a government payment (I can't remember which one) that's about $100, so I can go out and get worms for the 'lotls then. Until then they'll just have to put up with pellets. They actually don't seem to mind the pellets all that much, but I know worms are better for them. I really need to get their tank swapped over ASAP, too, but between my ribs and my legs I just... I feel so useless. I can't do anything right now.

Today I finished Solid Foundations, and it came in at 36 pages and 17,730 words, but it still needs to be edited, obviously, so the word count will definitely change a bit one way or the other. But I have time to edit Solid Foundations, it's not being posted for another week-and-a-bit. Tomorrow I'm going to be editing Absolute Devotion, though, because it's due to be posted this Thursday. Did I mention I really hate editing? I have? Well guess what, I still really hate editing. :P

I spent a while today making covers for some more of my fics and printing them out for future use in binders that I don't have for them yet. About half of my Valdemar fics are going to end up in 1" binders, I think, though three or four are going to go in 1.5" binders instead. Meanwhile I have a 3" binder and a 2" binder for Horror High et al AND THREE 3" binders and a 2" binder for Storm season et al. Honestly that series will be the death of me and I don't even care.

Before I can put my new shelves up I have to move two other sets of shelves that are already in the library, and they are, as you might imagine, full of books atm. I think tomorrow I'm going to try tackling that project because I can move the books just a few at a time and the shelves themselves aren't that heavy when they're empty. I think I can do it even with my fucked up ribs and legs, if I take it slow. Then I can assemble the new shelves and screw them into the wall the same as the last ones I put in.

Tomorrow I also have to go down to the front of the complex and raid the rhubarb plant that's growing there. Mom mentioned it to be today, but I had just spent an hour planting and watering my tomatoes and I was in SO much pain, so I opted to put it off to tomorrow. Hopefully no one else goes down to pick it in the meantime, it's not a very big plant. =/

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: N/A: "The Devil You Know" on Tubi.

So. I guess yesterday the NaNo website went dark. I was literally right in the middle of doing something in my account when it happened so it was a bit of a surprise, but when I looked it up I guess NaNo's shutdown has been coming for a while now. I somewhat regret squandering all the years that I didn't participate, or tried and failed spectacularly. But at least I managed to do it this past November, so I have that accomplishment to hang my hat on.

The first thing I did this morning was try to find another writing project tracker and ended up landing on TrackBear. It's alright and will do the job, but it's not as easy to navigate and they don't let you customize your profile page, which sucks, they just let you upload an avatar. I'll get used to it, though, and they DO at least allow you to upload cover images for your projects, which is very important to me.

I don't know, I'm just sad to see the NaNo go. I was looking forward to participating next November, though I don't know which project I would have worked on. Maybe I'll just do my own NaNo this year and challenge myself to write 1,667 words (or more) a day for the month. In tribute, or whatever, you know?

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: N/A: "The Devil You Know" on Tubi.

I guess...

I crave companionship, and I'm not getting it around here. Mom and Lee are sick of me, so I just stay in my room most of the time to avoid arguments and awkwardness. I wish I still had rl friends, but I've given up on that years ago.

So, I try to find companionship online, I try to make friends on BlueSky and here on DW, and over on AO3. I should probably pick up Tumblr again, I used to have a lot of fun there and a lot of friends there, too, but I almost feel like I've outgrown Tumblr and moved on. I could give it a shot, though, I suppose. *shrug*

I keep the loneliness at bay by sinking entirely into my writing and watching shitty movies on Tubi. It's better than nothing.

Even my writing fails me sometimes, though. I submitted a short Valdemar story to Mercedes Lackey like three or four years ago and I was excited about it, proud of it, but I've never heard back from either her, her husband or her publishers with feedback or anything. It would have been nice to be acknowledged, you know?

I miss being in a relationship, but I'm not SUITED for relationships unless they're long distance, and I've even killed some long distance friendships in the past. Not on purpose, it just always seems to HAPPEN.

C and I were in a long distance relationship for eight years, though, before we broke up amicably, so it IS possible for me to keep things going, if the circumstances are right. C and I are still friends, even now. There's hope.

But in general, I think I've just... somehow become the kind of person that others can't deal with and don't want in their lives. There's just something wrong with me, deep down inside, but I can't figure out what it is so I can work towards change...

I'm... broken. And that's not okay.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A: "Monsters And Mysteries In America" on Tubi.

I should be working on Absolute Devotion, and I DID for a while this morning, until my hands started shaking and making typing very frustrating to say the least. I'm doing okay typing THIS because I'm going really, really slowly, but if I tried to work on Absolute Devotion at this pace I would drive myself batty. My creative brain works too fast for that. =/

So.

I guess what's happening is that Dad is just going to pay for a storage unit for me, but starting next spring just before my time limit runs out with Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec because he doesn't see the point in PAYING for storage for almost a year when I could be getting it for free. (Also he just wants to dick around with Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec because of how they've been treating me.)

Dad also says that hopefully I'll get a place through the subsidized housing people between now and then, and maybe the storage unit won't be necessary at all, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I've been on the list for like 5 or 6 years now and when I emailed them a few months ago they wouldn't even tell me where I was on the list. So, yeah. Don't have real high hopes there. Which sucks because it means I'm fucking stuck here, but there's nothing I can do about it so I just have to suck it up.

Anyway.

Lois had her hip replacement surgery a couple of days ago and apparently everything is going really well so far. Dad took some time off work to take care of her/the house/the dogs but he says if it wasn't for the dogs he probably could have just kept going to work. As it is, Lois' grandson, Connor, is staying with them right now so he's supposed to be helping out as well, but apparently he's absolutely useless and all he does is eat things that aren't his to eat, get high, and bitch when they ask him to do something. I'm not surprised, though, his mother was always a useless twat too, so he probably gets it from her. The reason Connor is even staying with them right now is because this past winter his mother pissed away all her money and didn't bother paying the rent, so as soon as spring hit they were kicked out.

But they're doing alright, even dealing with Connor's bullshit, and Lois is healing up really well. I'm sure she'll be recovered in no time, and feeling better than she has in a LONG TIME. I think she still needs to have her other hip done as well, but I could be wrong? I should ask Dad about that next time I talk to him. I like to keep up-to-date on things like that, I love both him AND Lois will all my lil heart.

...

My feet/ankles/legs have been swelling up REALLY badly lately, particularly the right one. I've had to start wearing my compression socks again, but everything is so swollen the socks are actually causing BRUISING, at least to my right leg anyway. I wake up in the morning and everything feels okay, and I spend from 8am to around 11am or 11:30am sitting, working at my computer, mostly writing (except when I feed the cats at 9am) and things seem mostly fine, but as soon as I actually get UP, go and SHOWER and GET DRESSED? My legs start to swell. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday was a better one, the pain was less, but a couple of days ago I had a day where I could barely WALK. I need a Chi Energizer or a Dr. Ho's Circulation Booster or something like that, I think, but all those kinds of things cost HUNDREDS of dollars that I DO NOT HAVE. I'm going to talk to Dr. K about it at my upcoming appointment. She'll probably recommend exorcises I can't do because of my joints and supplements I can't afford because ODSP. Sigh.

In other news, my back is still fucked just because it's MY BACK, but my ribs are getting better bit-by-bit. They still hurt if I strain them or cough too hard, but it's a process. The other day, Mom mentioned wanting her cedar chest back, because right now the new tank for the axolotls is sitting on it (and has been for like over two months now) and told me I needed to work toward getting that done. And I'm kind of like. I have four broken bones in my chest PLUS whatever the fuck is going on with my legs, it's not as if I can just magically FIX those problems. I CAN'T lift and carry heavy things, so I CAN'T empty/bail the existing tank, I CAN'T swap the tanks out, and I CAN'T lift the buckets of water to FILL THE NEW TANK. I could do things like scrub the hides and swap out the filter cartridges and things like that, but water is SUPER HEAVY and so are the TANKS and I just... I don't know what she wants from me. I don't have Wolverine healing. Anyway, to placate her I said I'd at least get the support boards painted in the basement, but even that I can't do sitting on the floor and leaning over, so I'm going to have to cover the puzzle table with dropcloths and work from there, I guess. =/

The problem is... almost two years ago, Mom and I both got sick and then that illness (Covid) went to our lungs, causing pneumonia. While we both had pneumonia, Mom actually had it worse, and she broke 4 or 5 (I can't remember which) ribs, just coughing, the same as I just did last month. BUT. When SHE broke her ribs she didn't have any lingering PAIN from them. There was the pain of the initial break and then she was FUCKING FINE, with the exception that she couldn't sleep in certain positions. Dr. K told her at the time that this was REALLY UNUSUAL and that she was REALLY LUCKY. I was NOT that lucky. My ribs continue to ache and do the stabby pain thing when I twist wrong or bend over or try to lift things. But Mom doesn't have that kind of experience to compare it to, so she's getting impatient and I think she might think I'm faking it at this point, which sucks. And I just. I don't know what to do about the situation.

I guess I should just be happy that she's still helping me with the cat litters, at the very least.

The last time I saw Dr. K she got me to try a couple of new supplements, and one of them, Berberine, was to help with weight loss. Because it's an OTC supplement I don't expect results for a long time, but it's supposed to boost metabolism, I guess, and I HAVE noticed that I've been hungrier lately, which is... counter-productive to the weight loss goal. I've also been having trouble with my hands shaking like they are this morning, and I greatly fear that the Berberine is the cause, since I'm not on any other new drugs/supplements so it's really the only thing that could be causing it, either in itself or in a reaction with something else I'm currently on. So, I don't know. I'm going to give it a little longer and if my hands don't start evening out or start getting worse, I'm going to have to go off of it and see if THAT clears up the shaking. It's frustrating.

And there are like 5 other supplements that she wants me to be on as well, for my lungs mostly, that I'm just NOT ON because I priced them out and I CAN'T AFFORD THEM. They are all OTC stuff and ODSP doesn't COVER or ALLOW FOR OTC STUFF. I already spend probably $250/month on meds from Costco and the Walmart pharmacy just to keep me going, and that is a HUGE chunk out of my monthly allowance. The Berberine alone costs $30/bottle, so I'm like... fine. My weight is so out of control I don't even recognize myself anymore, so I'll eat the cost of the Berberine in the FAINT hope that it'll help. But I can't afford the rest. Sorry, Dr. K.

Other than that... I watched Final Destination: Bloodlines once on Saturday and then again yesterday (because I got distracted by other things during the last half hour of the movie on my first watch-through) and I actually really liked it. I think it fits in really well with the other FD movies and the kills were solid and creative. My only big complaint was how long the opening "premonition" was, it was MUCH longer than the premonitions in any of the other movies, or at least it seemed to be. I literally kept checking the clock on my computer when it dragged on because I was starting to lose patience. >>;;

ALSO NEW HTTYD MOVIE NEXT MONTH HELL YEAH!! <33

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: N/A

POST-STORM SEASON ONE-SHOTS:
1) When Lightning Strikes (complete, edited, posted) (demons/elemental)
2) Ghost In The Machine (complete, edited, posted) (poltergeist)
3) Pinfeathers (complete, edited, posted) (Cas moulting)
4) Teeth (complete, edited, posted) (tooth fairy)
5) Nightingale (complete, edited, posted) (succubus)
6) Going International (incomplete) (baobhan sith/each-uisge)
7) Hunting Souls (complete, needs editing) (Crowley/hellhounds)
8) Echoes (complete, needs editing) (spell gone wrong)
9) Endling (complete, needs editing) (original monster)
10) Supply And Demand (incomplete) (black market monster trade)
11) Fetters (complete, needs editing) (nightmare/demons)
12) Temper Tantrums (incomplete) (poltergeist)
13) Baby (incomplete) (spell gone wrong... sort of)
14) What Angels Dream (incomplete) (djinn)
15) Grace (incomplete) (phoenix)
16) Hollow Things (incomplete) (rabid werewolves)
17) The Desert Tide (incomplete) (kelpies)
18) Coyote Country (incomplete) (wendigo)
19) Coulrophobia (incomplete) (demon clown)
20) Creepy Crawlies (incomplete) (okumade)
21) Run Hide Die (incomplete) (hydra)
22) The Wolf (incomplete) (charnel cow)
23) Crawlspace (incomplete) (ghost)
24) Mirrors (incomplete) (basilisk)
25) Sudden Cardiac Arrest (incomplete) (humans, man)
26) Day Drinking (incomplete) (ghouls)
27) Mockingbird (incomplete) (wolpertinger)
28) Dreamcatcher (incomplete) (demon)
29) Magpies (incomplete) (original monster)
30) Dogman (incomplete) (dogman)
31) Stalactites (incomplete) (wyvern)
32) Fairy Tales (incomplete) (unicorn... sort of)
33) Eyes In The Dark (incomplete) (mothman)
34) The Thirteenth Child (incomplete)
35) Split (incomplete) (manananggal)
36) High Noon (incomplete) (chupacabras)
37) Animal (incomplete) (nandi bear)
38) Billabong (incomplete) (bunyip)
39) Tricks No Treats (incomplete) (coyote trickster)
40) Territoriality (incomplete) (unhcegila/Sally)
41) Epic Proportions (incomplete) (mishipeshu/thunderbird)
42) Daylight (incomplete) (gargoyle)
43) Slither (incomplete) (titanoboa)
44) Ripples (incomplete) (burrunjor)
45) Leave No Traces (incomplete) (keelut)
46) Runaway (incomplete) (amazons)
47) Bray Road (incomplete) (the beast of bray road)
48) Shearing Time (incomplete) (sheepsquatch)
49) Let Them In (incomplete) (BEK)
50) The Devil's Highway (incomplete) (Highway 666/elemental)
51) Through The Trees (incomplete) (pale crawlers)
52) Clowder (incomplete) (original monster)
53) Wayward Daughters (complete, edited) (spell gone awry... sort of)
54) Halcyon Days (complete, edited) (just Destiel)
55) Serendipity (complete, edited) (just Destiel)

Yep.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: N/A

I... I did it again. .__.;;

48) Shearing Time (Sheepsquatch)
49) Let Them In (Black-Eyed Kids)
50) The Devil's Highway (Highway 666)
51) Through The Trees (Pale Crawlers)
52) Clowder (Cat Shapeshifters)

And then the three that tie up the series, which brings the tally up to 55 fics in the post-Storm Season series. :D;; Not gonna lie, I will probably add more, despite my best intentions, especially now that I'm watching Monsters And Mysteries In America.

I am Fated to write this series until the end of tiiiiiiiime. XD;;

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: N/A: "Monsters And Mysteries In America" on Tubi.

I finished Breathe a couple days ago and I've got it edited already as well, ready to go for next Thursday. It came in at 39 pages and 18,641 words, so on par for where most of the Horror High et al fics are coming in these days.

I posted Cornfields two days ago and so far it's not getting a great reception. But I'm used to that; very few of my HHEA fics get more than a passing glance from the fandom. It sucks, but it is what it is. I guess I should have started writing SPN back before the series ended and the fandom effectively died, that's all. (But I wasn't on my ADHD meds back then so I couldn't have even if I'd wanted to. :P)

Right now I'm working on Absolute Devotion, which is the next in line for the post-HH one-shots that I'm working at finishing up. I'm probably about 1/3 done and there are a couple of parts that are bugging me a little but I can tighten it up when I edit it later. *shrug*

I've started recommending a B-Movie in the beginning notes of each of my HHEA fics, it's the last thing I put in so it's at the very end. Just for a lark, really, and to spread the word about "good" B-Movies. In Southern Hospitality I recommended Cocaine Bear, in Cornfields I recommended Black Sheep and in Breathe I'm recommending Primal, and so on. I wish I'd thought of it sooner, I could have recommended like 30 more movies up 'til now if I had. :P

The last couple days I've been watching some new movies, too. The first one was The Bayou, and it was fun because giant angry (drug-fuelled) alligators. Then there was Screamboat, which was a Mickey Mouse horror flick but like... definitely horror comedy. You could have the BEST drinking game if you drank every time one of the characters mentioned a Disney song in casual conversation lol. And then last night I watched Final Destination: Bloodlines, which was pretty good but honestly I only half-watched the last forty-five minutes of it so I probably have to watch it again to form a solid opinion. I got distracted with PSP stuff. Oops.

Lately, on top of my ribs and my back, my feet and legs have been swelling so much that I'm developing stretch lines and even bruises. They're very sore to the touch. It's a circulation thing, so I've started wearing my compression socks again but they aren't doing much to help. Mom says to sit on my bed with my feet up, but then I literally can't do anything. What I need is a Revitive Circulation Booster but they cost like $350 so that's not happening.

Last Wednesday I went in to the Dentist to have a special x-ray taken because ODSP had requested it. It has to do with whether they'll approve my partial dentures or not, and I should have had it done two months ago but the last two months have been such a FUCKFEST between one thing and another I just got to it now. Hopefully ODSP will get back to the Denturist quickly and with a YES because I'm really Goddamned tired of not being able to chew anything. =/

...

Dad is doing what he can to figure out how he can help me pay for a storage unit for my stuff, since it looks like the shed on Lois' property isn't going to happen after all. He asked if Mom would be willing to help out and it was like... no. No she won't. She already does a lot for me, really, and if I asked for her help with this, too, she would just get angry. I know I've worn out my welcome here in more ways than one, it just sucks to have it shoved in my face like that in times of need, you know?

Speaking of Mom, she literally just took me out today to buy tomato plants before they're all picked over so that I can plant my tomatoes next weekend (weather withstanding.) Little things. Now I just have to hope the soil in the tomato bins is still good after last year's blight near the end of the season. I dunno, I guess we'll see.

Last night I started a memoir. I titled it "Clowder" and the cover I mocked up for it has Neko on it. It's just going to be me spilling my guts about everything in my life from as early as I can remember until now. I'm really only writing it for myself, so I don't have a real deadline in mind. I'll just work on it whenever I feel like crying alone by myself over my keyboard for a while. I'm hoping it will be cathartic, you know? I'll probably just traumatize myself even more, in the end, though...

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: N/A

I finished Cornfields today, and it came in at 37 pages and 17,757 words, which is reasonable unlike some other fics I'm written recently. :| I still need to edit it, but I'll do that tomorrow and still be in plenty of time for posting it on Thursday.

I am reeeeeeeally failing at dropping my Every Thursday Update Schedule, here, like no joke. I said I was dropping it and then posted a new fic the next freaking Thursday, and then the NEXT, and I have one to post this Thursday now, too, and I'll have one to post next Thursday as well. I mean. Come on, Sena, what are you doing, here? Clearly still obsessing over Horror High et al, obviously. *FACEPALM*

In related news, I'm about halfway through writing Breathe (NEXT week's Thursday fic), I'm at 19 pages and 9,831 words so far, and the goal is around 17-18,000 words so. I can probably get that banged out over the next couple days, around editing Cornfields. Then I think the next in line is Absolute Devotion, then Hunter's Funeral, then Nightlight and finally Put Your Hands On Me. I'm trying to get all the post-HH one-shots finished up before I go back to the FREAKING post-SS SAGA that I've got going on. >>;;

I have like four post-SS fics written that still need to be edited, too, speaking of...

Anyway. Writing aside.

The $200 bump to all disability payments across Canada has been scrapped, which fucking BLOWS because I was really hanging my hat on that additional $200/month. But we had the election and ended up with a new government and I guess they decided FUCK THE DISABLED. Instead they introduced a new income supplement for people on disability that you have to apply for separately through the CPP, and assuming you qualify the amount you get (UP TO $200/month, probably less) is calculated based on how much you paid into CPP through your fucking WORK over the last however long. Except I've been on disability for TWENTY YEARS, so I obviously haven't been paying into CPP, so basically I'm BONED. Like this entire new income supplement situation makes no sense, they're like "apply if you're on disability, oh, wait, you're on DISABILITY? No money for you, then." It's fucked. But I'm applying anyway because I'm fucking desperate and don't know what else to do.

In regards to Dad and Lois and getting a shed put up on Lois' property to store my belongings because my FUCKING Aunt and Uncle are SCREWING ME OVER, it looks like that's going to fall through, too, because Dad is already telling me to look into storage units, which I've TOLD HIM I CANNOT AFFORD. The cheapest one I can find that's the size I need is like $264/month +tax, so $300/month, and WHERE AM I GOING TO COME UP WITH THIS MONEY? I MIGHT have managed it if that $200/month ODSP bump had come through, but now? No Goddamn way. I don't understand why people don't GET THIS. I HAVE NO MONEY. I CANNOT AFFORD THESE THINGS. But no matter how many times I say it, everyone seems to gloss over the fact that I live WAY below the POVERTY LINE. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M STILL LIVING WITH MOM AND LEE??

Literally even DR K keeps trying to push herbal remedies and stuff on me, and I'm like I CAN'T AFFORD THEM, they are all over-the-counter and obviously NOT covered by ODSP, and they are expensive! Dr K, YOU KNOW MY SITUATION, YOU FILLED OUT THE ORIGINAL ODSP APPLICATION FORMS FOR ME, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??

Right, so, basically I'm screwed and have no idea what I'm going to do. The end.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: N/A

I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm not meant to have close, long-term friends, and I'm... mostly okay with that. All through my life, right since I was a little kid, every time I get close to someone, have a "best friend" (or friendS, plural), something happens and that friendship blows up in my face. The most recent examples are Muse and C.A. and Poe, but it's happened time and again.

I seem to do okay with casual friends. People that I'm friendly with but wouldn't necessarily call "best friends", like Anie and Nerd. We get along but we can go long periods of time without talking, too, and that seems to be the key... people can't deal with me on a day-to-day basis. I'm too much. Or not enough, maybe. Either way, when I let myself get close to someone I end up being judged and found wanting in one manner or another.

And the idea of spending the rest of my life alone is a terrible one. I hate it. Especially after the OVER TWENTY YEARS of friendship I had with C.A. (and the OC), I know what it's like to have a long-term, stable friendship (that I really thought would last, considering) and I crave that, I crave the companionship and friendship, but... I guess it's just not for me.

So, I'll grow old alone, and probably end up bitter about it eventually, but for now I've just come to terms with it. No friends for Sena. At least with no friends I can avoid the inevitable heartache that follows, right?

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: N/A

My copy of Poe's essay book "Help! I Don't Want To Exist!" came in today. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to give it a go in the next day or two. I'm still having trouble with focusing on reading, though, so we'll see how it goes.

This is the first of my Poe Book Collection that isn't signed and I don't know how I feel about that. It's like... my OCD brain hates it because it doesn't "fit" in my collection, and my emotional side hates it because if we had still been friends I could have had it signed, but we're not anymore and there's nothing I can do about it. But at the same time I love all of Poe's stuff and I'm looking forward to reading it. So, I mean. Yeah.

It's complicated.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: N/A: "The Devil You Know" on Tubi.

I FUCKING ADDED TEN MORE ONE-SHOTS TO THE POST-STORM SEASON SERIES. *FACEPALM*

So, basically, now:

38) Billabong.
39) Tricks No Treats.
40) Territory
41) Catnip
42) Daylight
43) Slither
44) Quaking Water
45) Leave No Traces
46) Bray Road
47) Runaway

The PROBLEM is that there are SO MANY cool myths and legends around the world that I would LOVE to fling at the boys, and I can't seem to stop myself. And then I think of, say, three more, so that means I have to actually add FIVE MORE because my brain works in multiples of five. In this case, I thought up SIX, so I had to look around for FOUR ADDITIONAL COOL MONSTERS to bring the total to TEN. :D;;

The. The whole multiples of five thing is KILLING ME with this series. :|

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: N/A: "Clown In A Cornfield" on Riptide.

POST-HORROR HIGH ONE-SHOTS:
1) Cheap Motel (complete, edited, posted)
2) Snapshot (complete, edited, posted)
3) Southern Hospitality (complete, needs editing)
4) Cornfields (incomplete)
5) Comfort Food (complete, edited, posted)
6) Something To Be Protected (complete, edited, posted)
7) Counting Scars (complete, edited, posted)
8) Breathe (incomplete)
9) Cerulean Blue (complete, edited, posted)
10) Everything I Do (complete, edited, posted)
11) Puppy Love (complete, edited, posted)
12) Summer Nights (complete, edited, posted)
13) Absolute Devotion (incomplete)
14) Hunter's Funeral (incomplete)
15) Lifeline (complete, edited, posted)
16) Afterglow (complete, edited, posted)
17) Nightlight (incomplete)
18) Say Something (complete, edited, posted)
19) Put Your Hands On Me (incomplete)
20) Falling Stars (complete, edited, posted)

POST-STORM SEASON ONE-SHOTS:
1) When Lightning Strikes (complete, edited, posted)
2) Ghost In The Machine (complete, edited, posted)
3) Pinfeathers (complete, edited, posted)
4) Teeth (complete, edited, posted)
5) Nightingale (complete, edited, posted)
6) Going International (incomplete)
7) Hunting Souls (complete, needs editing)
8) Echoes (complete, needs editing)
9) Endling (complete, needs editing)
10) Supply And Demand (incomplete)
11) Fetters (complete, needs editing)
12) Temper Tantrums (incomplete)
13) Baby (incomplete)
14) What Angels Dream (incomplete)
15) Grace (incomplete)
16) Hollow Things (incomplete)
17) The Desert Tide (incomplete)
18) Coyote Country (incomplete)
19) Coulrophobia (incomplete)
20) Creepy Crawlies (incomplete)
21) Run Hide Die (incomplete)
22) The Wolf (incomplete)
23) Crawlspace (incomplete)
24) Mirrors (incomplete)
25) Sudden Cardiac Arrest (incomplete)
26) Day Drinking (incomplete)
27) Mockingbird (incomplete)
28) Dreamcatcher (incomplete)
29) Magpies (incomplete)
30) Dogman (incomplete)
31) Stalactites (incomplete)
32) Fairy Tales (incomplete)
33) Eyes In The Dark (incomplete)
34) The Thirteenth Child (incomplete)
35) Split (incomplete)
36) High Noon (incomplete)
37) Animal (incomplete)
38) Wayward Daughters (complete, edited)
39) Halcyon Days (complete, edited)
40) Serendipity (complete, edited)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: N/A

Okay, right, so I had everything worked out with the Horror High one-shots (still do) but the Storm Season one-shots were bugging the SHIT out of me because there was 32 of them and that's not a number divisible by 5, so I brainstormed three more one-shots to bring the total up to 35, which my brain likes. Good. Great. Fucking FANTASTIC.

EXCEPT. Last night my brain was ALSO like "hey what if you wrote a Mothman one" and I was like *HEADDESK* because that takes me up to freaking 36, WHICH IS NOT DIVISIBLE BY 5. =__=;; SO this morning I've been working on figuring out FOUR MORE, which will take the total up to 40, WHICH IS DIVISIBLE BY 5 AND WILL BE MY FINAL TOTAL FOR STORM SEASON ONE-SHOTS GDI.

Anyway, we've got one with the Jersey Devil, one with Chupacabra, one with the Nandi Bear from African mythology and one with the Manananggal from Phillippino mythology. Because why just stick to North American monsters, right? None of these fics have real plots yet, or even titles (except for the Manananggal one, which is called Split) but figuring out the monster first has been my way of doing things all along, so why stop now?

In somewhat related news, I finished Southern Hospitality today and it came in at 47 pages and 23,001 words which is MASSIVE for a one-shot but some of them are just getting out of control on me and I just-- *SHRUG* Now I'm working on Breathe, and when I'm finished it I'm going to tackle Going International and start editing the post-SS fics that I have finished and waiting on my hard drive.

Also, Say Something is proving to be mildly popular-ish, or at least it's getting quite a few hits, though not very many kudos and no comments so far. Still slightly disappointed that this entire series didn't catch on more than it has, but what can you do? At least I'm having fun writing it.

EDIT: Because I obsess over things, all of these new post-SS fics now have titles and covers. The Mothman one I thought up last night is called Eyes In The Dark, the Manananggal one is called Split like I mentioned above, the Jersey Devil one is called The Thirteenth Child, the Chupacabra one is called High Noon (though that one is subject to possible change) and the Nandi Bear one is called Animal. WHOO.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: N/A

So, in the end my (mild) OCD won out after all and I added one more fic to Hanna and Lorenzi's storyline, so now it goes: Highwater, Brightwater, Wildwater, Clearwater, Stillwater. Five is the Good Number in my head, that and multiples of five, and I just do the best I can with what I have. :|

I've also got the post-HH fics at an even 20 now, which my brain likes, and the post-SS fics sat at 32 for the longest time and drove me INSANE but I finally figured that out this morning by reinstating Stalactites and introducing Dogman and Fairy Tales, and now we're up to 35, which, again, my brain likes. So, I have an immense feeling of satisfaction right now even though I still have to WRITE like 25 of them (I think?) and EDIT 6 that I've already finished. That's in the HH and SS fics combined.

What I REALLY need to do is freaking sit my butt down and FINISH TKA, but I got to 50,000 words in it for the NaNo back in November and then all my motivation just... abandoned me. I still have like 30k to write and I just CANNOT get up the gumption to do it. I think I'm just going to have to force the issue, now that I'm supposedly not updating Horror High et al every week anymore.

Other than that...

I said I wouldn't try to contact Poe anymore, a couple of months back, but I emailed them yesterday because I was thinking about everything they did for me over the course of our friendship and I wanted to sincerely say thank you. So, I sent a very short email stating just that, and included a picture of the cats because they always liked them, particularly Juna. I don't expect a reply, but I feel better for having sent it, and I guess that's the important thing.

Um.

I desperately need to swap out the axolotl tank for the new one, the one they're in now has been leaking for months, but just about the time I was gearing up to do it I got really sick and I'm still not completely recovered. Not to mention the broken ribs. I can't haul buckets of water or carry even the empty tanks, so I'm just dealing with the leak with towels for now. Thankfully it's a slow leak because it's going to be at LEAST a month or two before my ribs are up to the task.

Right now I feel PARTICULARLY useless, I can't even do the cat litter myself. It sucks. And every time I have to cough I'm afraid I'm going to break another rib. Four is enough, thank you. Good thing I have a high pain tolerance, I guess.

I can't remember if I mentioned this here before but I'm thinking about rehoming two of my birds. The girls make SO MUCH OF A MESS ALL THE TIME, way more than the boys do, and the bird dust is REAL. My allergies are trying to kill me and the birds are a big reason why, I think. I hate the idea of giving them up, but for my own health and sanity I think it might be for the best... I'm just waiting until my ribs are healed enough that I can use the vacuum cleaner, so I can clean their cage out properly and then vacuum up the mess that's left behind. Then I can take pics and put them on kijiji.

I picked up a couple of DVDs this month, Smile 2 and Venom: The Last Dance. I'd seen them both before but I wanted them for my collection. (I also want all the Hatchet movies for my collection but that's a whole other ball of wax.) I also bought ink off Amazon because I am going through a SHIT TON of ink lately, printing things out, especially cover art for my fics and stuff. I ran out of page protectors, too, so I need to get more when my last Carbon Rebate thing FINALLY hits my bank account.

Now I think I need to go have a nap. I've been doing that a lot, since I got sick and especially since I broke my ribs, and then after that I might finally work on my Fanfic Covers Scrapbook a little, depending on if my ribs like it or not.

I also need to completely reorganize my Storm Season binders, though. Decisions, decisions.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: N/A

Okay, well, my brain is in Valdemar Mode now and I just conceptualized a new series of one-shots about a girl named Hanna Highwater and the Companion who Chooses her, Lorenzi. The first one is just called Highwater, and then the next one is called Brightwater, which is followed by Wildwater and then Stillwater. The arc basically chronicles Hanna and Lorenzi's time together from when he Chooses her until the end of their (current) lives.

It's driving my OCD a little crazy that there's FOUR fics and not FIVE, but the Cole and Hadley series has SIX fics and I've gotten used to that over time, so for now I'm just trying to gut through the irritation until it becomes the new normal, at least for this new series.

I started writing Highwater yesterday and I'm a few pages in now, but it's slow going. It's been so long since I wrote anything Valdemar that I'm kind of re-learning how to do it as I go. I've been so hyperfixated on SPN fic the last while that it's nice to stretch my writing muscles, though, so to speak. *shrug*

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: N/A: "Swim" on Tubi.

I keep coughing, and it's been a couple days since I broke that last rib so it doesn't hurt QUITE as much to cough (sneezing is still a BITCH though), but every time I cough I'm afraid I'm going to break another rib because a) my track record this past month and b) I can feel a spot in one of my other ribs that's really straining and trying to give. So, I'm just like... no, please. Four broken ribs is MORE than enough. :|

I have a couple more days before Mom is going to make me start doing the cat litter and everything on my own again, but I think tonight I'm going to offer to (try to) help, just as a gesture of goodwill. I'm not sure if I can do it, but if she sees me trying at least maybe she'll understand that I'm not doing this on fucking PURPOSE.

Still going to talk to Dr. K about osteoporosis and getting a bone scan when I go in to see her next.

ANYWAY.

Um. I finished Say Something the day before yesterday and it came in at 36 pages and 17,390 words which means it's BY FAR not the longest HH or SS one-shot (I'm looking at YOU, Endling) but it's still a respectable length. I'm pleased with how it came out, and it's actually more angsty than porny, so there are only three smut scenes in it unlike most of the rest of the post-HH stuff haha.

Right now I'm working on Southern Hospitality, which I think IS going to be as smutty as the other post-HH stuff but what else is new, right? The setting is quite different, though, and there are some really cute plot points in it that I'm looking forward to writing in. Cookies. Dean cooking. Taking care of backyard chickens. Making love on a legit bearskin rug by the fireplace. That sort of thing.

I also dug out (read as: opened in Word, there wasn't much actual "digging" required) a couple of my Valdemar one-shots to tinker with again, and right now the one I'm mostly focused on is called Highwater, which is relatively new. After that I might work on Graceless. But I also have Not Horses, Wander and Sweet Like Candy kind of queued up for later.

The funny thing is that my goal for my HH/SS SPN fics is always 13,500 words and I (almost) always go over that by a fair margin, but my goal for my Valdemar fics? 5,000 words. Yeah. I mean, if I go over that they YAY but that's my base goal for Valdemar one-shots and chapters of Valdemar fics (except for Marionette, it has much longer chapters than that.) I just... I've never written long Valdemar stuff, so I don't want to set the bar too high and then be disappointed when I don't reach it. So, I set the bar lower and hope to go over it instead. Make sense?

Mom thinks I'm underestimating myself, though. She says I've grown as an author and a writer a LOT over the last few years, and especially since I went onto the ADHD meds, and I should have more faith in myself. And it's not that I don't WANT to have faith in myself, I know my writing is better, longer, more in-depth, I just want to be realistic, I guess.

Speaking of writing and Word, though, my subscription has lapsed and the Word people keep sending me notices about it. It's only a matter of time before they cut off my services, but I can't do anything about fixing it until my Carbon Rebate comes in and I have no idea when that will be. Hopefully they won't cut me off before then. (Maybe I can start saving my writing in Drive so I can work on it there just in case until I get this whole situation worked out.)

It was much easier when I was working and had a paycheck coming in every two weeks on top of my ODSP money, but I'm to the point physically AND mentally that I CAN'T work anymore, especially at the places that would hire me, like fast food franchises and that kind of thing. :|

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: N/A

I managed Shopping Day #1 and #2 alright, but I was VERY glad at the end of Day #1 that we had split it up into two days because I still just don't have any energy. By the time we finished Walmart I was ready to pass out. -__-;; At least all the harder stuff was on Day #1 and that made Day #2 comparatively easier.

I've been doing better every day, incrementally, my cough has been slowly getting better and my chest less rattly. I still have no energy, as stated above, and my ribs are still broken but were on the mend... until.

The day before yesterday I had a REALLY had coughing day, but it wasn't a big deal because my ribs were healed to the point that I wasn't in absolute AGONY every time I coughed. I didn't think anything of it. But then YESTERDAY, I woke up and about an hour later I coughed ONE LITTLE COUGH and another one of my ribs cracked just like that. I actually screamed, but Mom was out and Lee is mostly deaf and watches TV with the volume cranked so he didn't hear me.

Anyway, now I'm right back to the way I was before, it set me back two weeks of healing, and also? Today I can't seem to stop sneezing so FUCK YOU BODY.

I mentioned having broken another rib on FB and Sethi asked me if I had osteoperosis, and I was like "not that I know of??" but my ribs should NOT be breaking so easily, and considering all the medications I'm on it's entirely possible. I'm going to ask Dr. K about it at my next appointment and see what she thinks. Mom says it means a bone scan, and if it turns out I have bone density problems, more medications. Yay.

For now, I'm just coping with the pain and thanking God for the Doctor at the hospital who prescribed me the Naproxen.

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: N/A: "The Belko Experiment" on Tubi

Tomorrow is Shopping Day #1 (bank, Costco, Walmart, dollar store, Staples) and then Thursday is Shopping Day #2 (Shoppers, Zehrs, Trombly's, Canadan Tire) and I'm SO looking forward to it because I basically haven't left the house except to go see doctors in a MONTH and I'm going STIR-CRAZY in here. On the other hand, I know how FUCKING exhausting it's going to be since I'm still recuperating, which is why it's divided into two days (normally Mom and I would just do all the stops on the same day.) I'm going to be DEAD by the time we get home, and still have stuff to put away after that. =/ Oh well. At least I'll get some fresh air in-between stores.

Right about the time I got sick was when I was gearing up to swap the axolotl tank out (AGAIN) and then I was so sick I couldn't do it. I'm STILL so sick I can't do it, honestly, especially with the broken ribs, hauling all the buckets of water and scrubbing everything and moving the tanks is just SO beyond me right now. But I have to do it, soon, the 'lotls have been living in a leaking tank for like two months now and it's starting to get musty in here despite my best efforts.

So, I guess the first thing I need to do is paint the boards we got to support the new tank (har har, I'm just waiting for them to collapse and this THIRD tank to crack, too, at which point I will be looking at Mom and Lee and telling them they owe me a new dresser AND a new tank because they wouldn't let me get a better stand to begin with. Anyway.) and the painting I think I AM up to, probably in stages but I can do it. I picked up bright grass green water resistant paint just before I got sick for this job, so it'll POP in my room lol.

Then after the painting is done I need to wait a while longer for my ribs to heal some more, and Mom says she'll help me as best she can and we'll get it done. I'm skeptical, but willing to try. I can't keep patching the leak with towels constantly, after all. (At least it's a slow leak.)

...I've pretty much decided that I'm going to rehome Emmett and Rosie. They are the cause of most of the bird mess and allergy problems in my bedroom and honestly I wasn't supposed to have four budgies to begin with. I got Winter and Shield, and then a while later I got Riley to add to the cage, but Riley turned out to be a GIRL and Winter and Shield were fighting over her, so I had to put her in her own cage. Then she was despondent and lonely, so I had to get Emmett to keep her company... and then fucking RILEY died, and EMMETT got all depressed, so I had to get Rosie to keep HER company. Basically, I fucked up by deciding to get a third bird for my original cage and now I have two cages and four birds and it's too much. Hopefully I can find a good home for them when I set about actually doing the rehoming in the (near?) future.

I'm also rehoming two of my plants right now, I have them up on kijiji. One is Bela, who was a clipping off of my Pothos, Sam, before I put him in the axolotl tank. I was afraid he was going to die and wanted a backup just in case but he's doing fine and I don't really need two of them. The other is Grabriel, who is a baby Swiss Cheese Monstera. I ordered a rooted clipping off Etsy and the seller sent me an additional non-rooted clipping as well and I managed to get it to take, so now I have the original one (Castiel; he's going in the aquarium with Dean eventually) and the smaller one (Gabriel), and again, I only need one, so I might as well find a new home for him. I asked Mom if she wanted him but she said no. Apparently we only need one person obsessively collecting plants in this house lol.

Speaking of plants, my baby spider plant, Jack, was doing SUPER well in my windowsill... until FREAKING PLUTO came along and ATE half of him! AUGH. This cat has NEVER shown interest in (real) plants before (he loves to chew on fake ones, though) but apparently at ELEVEN YEARS OF AGE he decided EHH WHY NOT?? So Jack is currently convalescing on the shelves in the window in the dining room and will probably take a year to grow back. He was just getting to look like a proper spider plant, too. Oh well, he'll make it into the aquarium SOME day, I guess. :<

I saw Itsy out and about yesterday for the first time since Icepocalypse2k25. When we lost power his heating pad obviously wasn't working and it got so cold he went into serious hibernation. But he was out last night, so that was good to see. All this month I was worried that he might have died, but nope! And now that he's not hibernating anymore, I can buy him more crickets and get him fed up. It's been a while since he's had a good meal, between one thing and another.

Um. Okay, movies then. (SPOILERS BELOW.)

Death Of A Unicorn: Was fantastic, but Paul Rudd's character drove me crazy. He was so obsessed with staying and getting the money when it was SO. OBVIOUS. they needed to fucking LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. He had a redeeming moment, though, so that was good. The animation for the unicorns was GREAT and I am now OBSESSED with the concept of the duality of unicorns. Don't piss those things off, that's for sure. A few of the characters were annoying, and I felt super sorry for the girl who was just trying to be the VOICE OF REASON in the ABSOLUTE MADNESS but yeah. Just generally a good time and right up my alley!

Heart Eyes: Nothing really... special or unique, here, it's all been done before, I think, in bits-and-pieces in different movies, but it was put together in a fun, entertaining way and that's the important thing. The twist at the end was kind of transparent (to me at least, I saw it coming a mile off), but the kills and gore were solid. The entire sequence with the two main characters in the front seats of the van while the hippy couple fucked in the back was completely unnecessary, though, and kind of made me turn my nose up. I think my favorite part was actually the "doomed lovers" jewelry campaign the jewelry company put out, it was super artistic and creative (if poorly timed) lol.

The Woman In The Yard: I don't... have much of an opinion on this one, right now. I watched it once and kind of went "huh." And that was it. It's very much a psychological thriller, and I think I need to watch it again just to get the full effect. Actual opinion TBA.

The Monkey: OKAY THIS MOVIE WAS STUPID AS FUCK BUT I LOVED IT ANYWAY. It was SO sarcastically written and SO tongue-in-cheek and the deaths were SO over-the-top it just made for a really fun horror comedy. I think I've watched it every day for the last WEEK. XD

Movies aside, I also now have all of Crossing Jordan, Falling Skies and Dead Like Me to watch. I've watched Crossing Jordan years ago and loved it then so fully except to still love it now, and Dead Like Me sounds promising... but then again, so did Falling Skies and I watched a couple episodes if IT yesterday and it's just not catching me. I'm going to watch a couple more and then decide if I want to keep it or just delete the whole thing. *shrug*

Oh, and yesterday I dug out Season 6 of SPN to watch Episode 4 ("Weekend At Bobby's") because I needed a couple of quotes from it for one of the post-SS fics. I'm going to have to watch it again, but the main monologue that I needed is about 25 minutes in so I can just skip to there. It's for the fic that WAS called Baobhan Sith but has now been re-titled to Going International. I had to kind of conceptualize this one to make sense of AU-canon stuff from other fics later on, so. It's a little last-minute and I have to write/edit it really quickly (in like a week) but I should be able to get it done, assuming I can focus on it properly.

Whiiiiich means closing down Say Something, which I've been tinkering with the last couple of days, and just buckling down on Going International. Myep. That's the plan.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: N/A

So, I said I was going to take a step back from Horror High and Storm Season to work on other stuff too... and then immediately invented like eight more post-HH fics and reinstated all the post-SS ones that I had originally scrapped, as well as inventing a couple of new ones (Coulrophobia & Baobhan Sith) so now I'm well and truly fucked BUT.

At the same time, in the last week I've finished four of the post-SS ones (most of which were LONG) and gotten a good start on a couple more, so I guess my brain just can't let it go yet. Dr. K warned me this might happen when I went on the ADHD meds, they like hyperfocus you but not always on what you WANT or NEED to hyperfocus on. I should be working on TKA. :| Oh well.

Anyway, so I've finished Hunting Souls, finally, and it came in at 34 pages and 15,094 words, but I hate the ending which is why I created the Baobhan Sith (I have to watch SPN 6.04 again before I can write that one) fic so help explain it, and when I edit it I'm going to re-work it a little bit, too. The problem is that with this being an AU universe, I have to explain what parts of it are still true to canon and what parts of it DEVIATE from canon and why, and the ending of Hunting Souls DEFINITELY deviates. It's fine, though, I'll work it out.

Then I also finished Echoes, which came in at 38 pages and 18,327 words, but again, needs to be edited, so the word count will change slightly as I do that. I'm pretty happy with how Echoes came out, even if it IS rather needlessly smutty, but it harkens back to the post-HH fics and THEY'RE all needlessly smutty, so I guess it makes sense haha.

I also finished Endling, which came in at a WHOPPING 50 PAGES AND 23,766 WORDS LIKE WTF ENDLING, and I'm generally happy with how it came out but I still have to edit it (so much editing in my immediate future UGH) and when I edit it I'm sure a few small things will change here-and-there. *shrug*

And finally, just yesterday I finished Fetters, which clocked in at a respectable 36 pages and 17,084 words, but is generally just a HOT MESS and needs SO MUCH EDITING. I do like the fic IN GENERAL and I have kind of a soft spot for Kindle, but it needs some WORK before it'll be ready to be posted. Luckily it's like fifth down the line for being posted so I have some time...

I skipped over Supply And Demand to finish Fetters because I got a bit into it and my brain just quit on me, but I'll have to get back to Supply And Demand soon-ish. And I'm currently working on the beginnings of two new post-HH fics, Southern Hospitality and Say Something, but I'm only like three pages into each of them so they don't really count yet.

I spent a while yesterday making and re-making covers for some fics and projects because I obsess over that, and now I need to update my Horror High and Storm Season binders, but I'm an an impasse with the Horror High one in that it is already full to bursting and I have to add more stuff to it, so on Wednesday when I go out to do my monthly shop (depending on how I feel), I need to buy another 3" white binder to expand my Horror High binders into two, and a second one to expand my Storm Season binders into three, because let's face it there are already 33 post-SS one shots, and each binder can hold about 10 to 11, so the two that I'm already using just aren't going to cut it. :P

I also need (another) new Endgame Girls binder, this time in green, because my brain is weird and it's hard to explain and my first Endgame Girls binder is now a Chaser binder, and the second one is now an Invincible In The Apocalypse binder, so, yeah. BACK TO STAPLES I GO.

And all these project binders of course need a HOME, but Mom said I could put another set of shelves in Jessie's room, so I'm buying those on Wednesday as well and then I just have to wait for my ribs to heal enough to haul the CURRENT shelves around to make room for the new ones. It's going to be a Job with a capital "J", but it needs to be done, and Canadian Tires has their plastic utility shelves on sale right now (or at least they were when I checked a couple days ago) so I mean. If I can save ten bucks I'll save ten bucks. *shrug*

So. Writing-wise that's about it for now, but I figure that's enough all things considered. I'm still sick and trying to recover so the only things I have the energy to do at all, really, are work on writing and watch movies/TV, and sometimes not even that. Yesterday I did a couple of small chores around my room (moving some binders, putting laundry away, putting my backpack away) and it ABSOLUTELY wiped me out. I still need a nap every afternoon just to make it through the day. I still can't breathe; I'm still coughing; my ribs are still broken (and will be for some time, obviously.) I have a ways to go.

Oh, and also, Mom talked to Uncle Alec about me possibly paying him and Aunt Brenda a small amount in rent each month to be able to maintain use of the shed (I can only afford like $150/month but it's SOMETHING) and the answer was a CATEGORICAL "NO", so I was just fucking back to where I started, with all my stuff being literally taken to the dump when the clock ran down next spring and them having the gall to CHARGE me $100 for each load.

But I talked to Dad and asked him if Lois would be amenable to me maybe putting up a shed somewhere on HER property and storing my stuff THERE until I finally make it to the top of the FUCKING SUBSIDIZED HOUSING LIST, and then when I move my things out again she can have use of the shed, obviously. Anyway, Dad called me back the next night and said it was fine with Lois, so he's going to figure out the best placement for a shed of the size we need and try to source a prefab one because I certainly can't build a fucking shed and while HE has the technical know how, his health pretty much prevents it at this point in time. I mean he's 65 with a heart condition and a back that is FUCKED, so.

He's going to get back to me. The only question now is how I'm going to PAY for the shed, or the moving truck to get my things from Baysville all the way down to freaking GEORGETOWN. So, it's going to come down to money (again), as it always does, of which I have... none. :|

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: N/A

It's been some weeks since I last messaged Poe, about their werewolf plush, only to have them (surprise, surprise) not reply. At that point I finally kind of washed my hands of them, because I've tried for so long to be there for them and be the friend they need, only for them to mule-kick me in the teeth every time. I couldn't keep doing that to myself, it was too emotionally exhausting. I'd already tried to kill myself twice over it.

Anyway.

Like I said, it's been some weeks since my last message to Poe, and the last month I've been too sick to have much of a presence online, so I haven't been checking their FB either until today. Today I felt up to it so I checked just to make sure they were still alive (because I DO still worry about that) and when I saw they were the same as always I just went on my way.

It's sad, but at the same time I feel freer. I'll continue to miss them and wish them well, because we WERE such good friends for a while, but at the same time I'm not thanking God for that Geraskier Secret Santa anymore, I kind of wish it had never matched us up to begin with. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and mental health issues.

I DO kind of wish the two of us could sit down and have a normal, logical conversation and talk everything out because with Poe ghosting me (again), it really leaves me hanging. I'd like to know where they stand and why, what I did wrong. Then again, maybe I'm just better off not knowing.

In any case, I said I wouldn't post about them as much anymore and I think this counts. I'm doing better, but I'm starting to see it as "surviving Poe" more than anything else, which is a sad state of affairs. They have a new book of poetry out right now that I might buy if/when I have the money. I do still want to support them, even after everything, which is another sad state of affairs.

Maybe some day I'll be able to let go entirely, but for now I guess this is good.

This is good.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: N/A

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