Sena's DW :: Watermelon Life

I guess...

I crave companionship, and I'm not getting it around here. Mom and Lee are sick of me, so I just stay in my room most of the time to avoid arguments and awkwardness. I wish I still had rl friends, but I've given up on that years ago.

So, I try to find companionship online, I try to make friends on BlueSky and here on DW, and over on AO3. I should probably pick up Tumblr again, I used to have a lot of fun there and a lot of friends there, too, but I almost feel like I've outgrown Tumblr and moved on. I could give it a shot, though, I suppose. *shrug*

I keep the loneliness at bay by sinking entirely into my writing and watching shitty movies on Tubi. It's better than nothing.

Even my writing fails me sometimes, though. I submitted a short Valdemar story to Mercedes Lackey like three or four years ago and I was excited about it, proud of it, but I've never heard back from either her, her husband or her publishers with feedback or anything. It would have been nice to be acknowledged, you know?

I miss being in a relationship, but I'm not SUITED for relationships unless they're long distance, and I've even killed some long distance friendships in the past. Not on purpose, it just always seems to HAPPEN.

C and I were in a long distance relationship for eight years, though, before we broke up amicably, so it IS possible for me to keep things going, if the circumstances are right. C and I are still friends, even now. There's hope.

But in general, I think I've just... somehow become the kind of person that others can't deal with and don't want in their lives. There's just something wrong with me, deep down inside, but I can't figure out what it is so I can work towards change...

I'm... broken. And that's not okay.

I try my best to be a good friend. I try to be honest and trustworthy and reliable and fun, and all the other things a good friend should be. But... I must not be very good at it, if my track record with friends is anything to go by. I THOUGHT I had it, with C.A., we were friends for two decades, but in the end... even that imploded. And Poe... is the best friend I've ever had, and still they couldn't put up with me longer than two years. I thought there was something THERE but I guess not.

Maybe I assign too much emotional value to my friends. Maybe I get too attached. Maybe I expect them to feel as strongly about our friendship as I do, which is unfair of me because I've always been one to feel things TOO MUCH. I guess no matter what I'm the one getting hurt in the end, so I'm just hurting myself by inadvertently pushing them away like that.

I wish I could stop. I wish I could quit being so apparently needy and demanding. (If that's the problem at all...) But I don't even know that I'm doing it at the time, so it's very hard to quit. All I do with my friends is be myself, but that in itself is apparently off-putting. But I don't know how to be anyone else but me. So I just keep hurting the ones I love and in turn, hurting myself. Like I've said before, it's a vicious cycle.

I finished watching the first season of American Horror Story (Murder House) and thoroughly enjoyed it, and started the second season (Asylum), and so far Asylum is just making me vaguely uncomfortable. The themes in it are OFFENSIVE, and I understand that they're ACCURATE given the time and setting it takes place in, I just... I don't know. I'll give it a couple more episodes and see if it grabs me and if I still feel kind of icky about it I'll just skip the rest and go straight to season three (Coven.)

But it did get me thinking, if I had been living back in the day, bi-polar and majorly depressive and pansexual to boot (though pansexuality wasn't a recognized thing back then), I would definitely have been sent to an asylum by this point in my life. Probably in my late teens/early twenties when my mood disorders started to really show. Either that, or I would have successfully killed myself long since. Life back then was hard on people who were different, or who had mental illness. It wasn't understood or treated properly.

So I guess despite everything I'm lucky to have been born when I was, at least.