senashenta | Entries tagged with bi-polar

There are a lot of problems with living with my parents, but one that really gets me is that I thrive in clutter and Mom thrives in minimalism and never the twain shall meet. I think my thriving in organized chaos probably has a lot to do with my bi-polar and my ADHD, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to live in this absolutely pristine minimalist house that just MAKES MY BRAIN ITCH.

I've done everything I can in my bedroom to make it comfortable for myself in this sense, and it is definitely organized chaos in here. Even all my WALLS are filled up. It's how I'm most comfortable and I spend most of my time here for that and other reasons.

Mom and Lee have been relatively accommodating, though. They let me put up shelves and drawers in Jessie's room for books, binders and craft supplies, which was nice of them. They didn't have to do that. But it's not MY ROOM so I make a point of keeping everything very neat and organized so Mom won't develop a tick. They also let me put in some rolly drawers in the basement for a little bit of extra storage. I still have some stuff that doesn't fit anywhere and so just kind of sits in the way in the corner of my room. =/

Right now I'm trying very hard to secure another hook in my ceiling so I can hang ooooone more plant hanger, you know? Just one more. But I'm having trouble getting the hook to grab onto the plank in the ceiling. I think I need to get help with it because I've been trying for like three days and still can't get it to catch. I might actually be trying to hook into metal, though, in which case I'm boned. My stud detector is very unreliable so I'm not sure on that one.

I want DESPERATELY to have an apartment of my own that I can organize and decorate entirely for me, but I've been on the wait list for like 5 years already and there's no end in sight, there. The housing situation here is abysmal.

I'm low-key mad that my older sister gets to keep her two-bedroom apartment (that she got through the subsidized housing list) even though her daughter doesn't live with her anymore and hasn't in a long time. She should have to move to a one-bedroom so someone who NEEDS a two-bedroom can have it. I dunno. Just seems like the right thing to me.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: N/A: "I Shouldn't Be Alive" on Amazon Prime

I was diagnosed as bi-polar two decades ago. Seems like a whole lifetime has passed since then. Since my diagnosis, it's been adjusted to DEPRESSIVE bi-polar, meaning I have MANY more depressive days than manic days, and I also HIGHLY suspect I have some mild form of ADD or ADHD. (I need to talk to my Doctor about that next month at my next appointment because whatever is going on, ADD, ADHD, something else, it is starting to severely affect my life and my ability to be productive. =/)

Anyway.

I've been on pretty much every medication imaginable to try to control my bi-polar disorder and it's been a real roller coaster, but finally a handful of years back I was finally put on LITHIUM. My Doctor had been purposely avoiding it for years because it has so many potential (and harsh) side-effects and other drug interactions but I guess she just got desperate haha. :D;;

I... have a complicated relationship with my lithium, and it's getting more and more complicated by the day it seems.

On one hand, it does the best job of levelling me out over any of the other medications I've tried. It's been a Godsend in that way, though I still tend toward the depressive side of things so it's a rather unbalanced scale. At least it keeps me from swinging wildly between depressive and manic, right? (Even if it doesn't help whatever else is going on inside my screwed up head atm.)

On the other hand, it makes me SO. FUCKING. SICK. Like, projectile-vomiting-across-the-room SICK.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: N/A

Mmm... I seem to be going into an up-swing again, thanks muchly BPD. So I haven't been sleeping much the last week or so. Still, last night I managed to get a couple hours in the afternoon... and of course I had bizarre dreams. WTF? I sleep for the first time in days and I have wierd ass dreams. Go figure.

In the first one all I remember is that I had this gross sillicone stuff in my mouth. It had something to do with movie special effects. And when I tried to get it out, all my teeth came out with it. O_____o I dunno, and then I was like "Oops." and that was it. xD;

The second one was much less wtf-inspiring, and actually kind of awesome, as it was about a group of settlers in the pioneer days; they got lost, and ended up settling down in this valley to build a town, but the valley was right in the middle of a Werewolf pack's territory. The Wolves lived in caves outside the valley. The rest of the dream was basically about them terrorizing the poor pioneers. I don't remember many details, which kind of sucks because it was pretty entertaining. Would've made a good writing project. =D;

Other than that, a couple days ago I downloaded a batch torrent of Zombie Loan, and then yesterday I sat to watch the first episode... only to find out that the video quality sucked. It was all pixelized and shit, and I know it wasn't my computer because the actual subtitles in the video came in clear as day. Whoever did the vid capture for them did a pretty crappy job.

Bah. So now I'm downloading it again, one ep at a time, from a different subber. It's taking forever, but the quality is muuuuch better. Though when I tried to watch it earlier it was seriously lagging, and it turned out to be my PC. I went to do a defragmenting analysis, and my hard drive was rediculously fragmented. So I defraged it and now we're running smoothly again. ^_^

Current Mood: bored

To everyone who commented on my wangsting yesterday; don't worry about it, I'm fine really. And everything's been worked out anyway. Yey. :)

Today I had an appointment with the doctor, and since Dr K was busy, I saw Dr H instead. She's really nice, I don't have a problem seeing her. I was just in for refills on my prescriptions anyway. Everything's the same, except they're taking Combivent off the market (again *facepalm*), so I have to go back onto Salbutomol.

It's kind of a pain, since Combivent works better for me as a rescue inhaler than Salbutomol... but at the same time, as long as I'm on the Advair as a preventative, I hardly need my rescue inhaler at all anyway; and the Salbutomol does work, just not as well.

BAH. Anyway. Dr H also had a look at this discolouration/rash that I've had on the sides of my neck for about a month now. It showed up when it was super hot and humid, and I thought it was a heat rash, but then it didn't go away. >>; She says it's actually a bit of a fungal infection. Which sounds gross, but it's really common in the summer when it's hot/humid, isn't really noticable (I'm the only one who notices it in my case, lol), and it doesn't itch or hurt, and isn't communicable/contageous. It'll eventually go away on it's own when it gets cooler (in a month or so, she figures), but if it really bothers me she prescribes... Selsun Blue. XDDD;; You know that shampoo? HAHA, I laughed. She says put it on like a lotion but don't rub it in, leave it for ten minutes or so and wash it off; once a day for three or four days and it should get rid of it. I was amused. I'm going to try it, and if it doesn't work then I'm not gonna worry about it. Apparently the only actual medication for it is a pill that does damage to your liver... and I figure, since it's not doing me any damage and it's not contageous, I'll skip the liver-killing drugs and just ride it out until it goes away. ^_^;;

Then after that, I went to finally make the appointment for the ultrasound Dr W wants. -___-; I hate ultrasounds with a passion, but I need to have another one for Dr W to be able to help out with the PCS at all. He needs to know what he's dealing with.

Aaaaand then I had to do a bunch of phone calling to the learning center to ask about taking some courses there. Back in February-ish of 2003 (before I got my journal here) I had to leave school for health reasons, and I'm looking into finishing up the courses I was partway through. I hated to leave at the time, but I couldn't do much about it; I was missing most of my classes anyway because I was sick all the time, I would have failed them all anyway. It was easier to drop out of them and try again later. I want to finish those ones up before I get into the TESL, so I don't have half-finished ones hanging over my head. :)

So! Phone calls were made today, and I need to get my transcripts to take them to the learning center, and then I can sign up for corespondence courses. I was afraid I'd have to go to classes to finish them and get the course credits on my transcripts; that would have been really hard, since I have so much trouble being around room-fulls of strangers. I have panic attacks a lot when that happens, and I've been having more trouble lately than I used to as well...

So yay correspondence. And that way I can do the courses at my own pace (which is usually faster than the rest of my class), and during times that are better for me (night mostly, rather than the day time). Wish me luck! Next is TESL and JAPAN! =D

And then when Mom came home she took me out to pick up my new/refill 'scripts, to get more jars (because yey jam/jelly project that's getting way the hell out of control XD;;), labels, and some paint for Riku!hair. AUGH, his hair is such a weird shade of silver-grey-opalescent-wtf. *pokes him*

Also got a yummy sub with lots of veggies on it for dinner. =3

OHOH, and I almost forgot until I was chatting with

smoulderedtears earlier, but I'm doing a trade with Tres Maxwell! She does really cute custom teddy bears like this, which are also quite expensive because all the clothes are handmade and she buys the bears from Build-A-Bear Workshop, and she's making me two custom teddies (okay, actually kitties) in return for a set of CSI ponies. ^3^ She's the one who did the CSI pony design that I'm basing my CSI ponies on in the first place, and really wanted a set. SO YEY TRADE. I <3 ~~KITTIES~~ TEDDY BEARS! X3

( Photoblogging Day 47,48 )

I think my bi-polar is acting up again. I've been going from DEPRESSED! to BOUNCY! and back again a lot lately. >>;

EDIT: Also~ I finally finished and wrapped up the latest batch of P.O.S. boxes today! They are ready to be mailed (as soon as I have Cat McD's address again and Friday rolls around), and are big and heavy this time! They will be expensive! =D

And as a warning for

etcetera_cat, your package is rediculously small for everything that's crammed inside. The top is bulging. XD;; So be careful when it eventually gets to you, as it's liable to explode all over the UK. <3

Current Mood: bouncy

I'm in a manic swing right now... I haven't slept much in the last few days, basically a couple hours in the morning between 8am and 12-ish. This last morning I slept from 8:30 until around 11 or so. Yey. >>;;

Haha, so I probably shouldn't be drinking coke right now, right? XD; Caffeine~

At least I usually get a lot done when I'm manic, lol. I'm working on like 12 ponies right now; last night I started my Alien!facehugger pony ~~bwahaha~ XD~~, and a second Roxas pony, this time in the Org XIII trenchcoat (next is Demyx and Zexion!) And I finished the second Axel last night, too.

Now I'm working on various Riku ponies, and a Zero (from Vampire Knight), as well as a Duo and an Utena. One of the Riku ponies is sitting to the side right now, waiting for me to do his hair/tail, and for me to sew him a trenchcoat. We'll see how that goes. ^_^;;

Oh, and Anthrax for

papercut917~ ♥ Oh, by the way! *pokku* What colour of hair do you want me to use for him? I don't have any shades on hand right now that are even close (I fail), so go poke around restoredoll and let me know which one I need to order! ^^~

Did I mention that the more I look at the sketch you sent me, the more I <3 Anthrax? =3

...hm.

Earlier today I randomly had the urge to start a blog crew. There are like a billion of them around (I'm in one or two Ouran ones XD;;), but they're interesting and actually I find them good for writer's block. Unfortunately, the ones I'm in are about a sneeze away from dying...

I should start a Valdemar one! =O

Anyone want to do that with me? We'll all just pick Valdemar characters and blog as them! Or Valdemar OCs? That'd be fun, too. I have about two hundred characters to pick from in that case. >>;

I miss my Ouran blogs, though. I'm still gonna keep blogging in them even if no one else in the crew does. XDD

...I feel like baking now. .__.;

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: N/A: "Road Tasted" on the TV

...mrrrh...

I miss my manic swing.

Stupid, huh? But I've sunk back into depression again, and now I'm not productive anymore. I was getting ponies done so fast, but I've been kind of puttering lately instead of really getting anything completed.

Though I guess I have got Arisa!pony rehaired/finished, and I think I'm done my new Ed!pony. I haven't given him bangs this time, and I'm kind of meditating on him, trying to decide if I should make clay ones for him or not... he looks okay without them, so I dunno... AHHH! ><;; Work brain, work!

I've also done as much on Kairi!pony as I can before I do her hair/tail (since they're clay and she needs to bake); oh, but I need to paint her symbol. Which keyblade is hers? Does she have a specific one? *knows nothing about KH but is a fan anyway thanks a lot Kao-mun XD;;*

In a somewhat related note, I was talking to Mom about the current ponies I'm working on, and she doesn't know Kingdom Hearts at all (I didn't expect her to), so I pulled up some pics... and she saw Sora's outfit and laughed at me. >>;;

Yeah, I've been procrastinating over him. Screw you too, Disney/Square. lol.

OH.

I'm going out East again this summer. :)

Apparently last summer, Grandma and Grandpa were supposed to go-- and clearly that never happened. But Grandpa really wanted to go... the Atlantic provinces were somewhere he always wanted to see. So this summer, Grandma wants to go. She hasn't said it, but it's obviously because she knows he wanted to so badly.

But she doesn't want to go by herself, so I'm going with her, and so is Jessica (my... second-cousin? Something like that.) Jess can drive, though, so at least Grandma won't be the only one. We learned that when I went with Ryuu and Dake. You need more than one person who can drive. ^_^;;

Anyhoo, so she's all excited, and she's got me making lists of the places I want to go and whatnot. So far;

--Shediac (lmao, giant lobster! I just want to take pictures there~)
--Bird Islands (did this with Ryuu and Dake and it was AWESOME)
--Bay of Fundy (SO gorgeous!)
--Magnetic Hill (supposedly very cool)
--Cabbot Trail (Cabott? Cabbott? Anyway, also supposedly very very cool/gorgeous)
--Halifax (just to take pictures of the awesome graffiti there XDD)
--(OMG) P.E.I. (SERIOUSLY I WOULD STAY THERE THE WHOLE TIME ♥ ♥ ♥)

I'm sure there's more, but those are the big ones. It'll be fun, and Mom says I can borrow the new digital camera she and Lee got last year; it's like TEH SPIFFEH. A $600 camera or something like that, with all the bells and whistles. It holds thousands of photos and takes amazing pics. A camera that I could never afford, but they're nice and said I could use it.

Current Mood: discontent

AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! ><;;

I'm baking again. But I'm out of milk, and baking soda, and baking powder, so I can't make the banana loaf and the rice pudding I was going to, and it's frustrating, dammit! GAH! I could make morning glory muffins, but I don't have carrots either~~~

*WEEPS and FLAILS*

TT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~TT

If I had money I could go down to the 24-hour A&P downtown, but I'm broke still... -___-;;

Current Mood: frustrated

I'm at Mom's doing laundry right now. Yey. [/sarcasm]

I'm so bored... and I've started into a manic swing after being so depressed the last little while, so I feel like doing something. I've been cooking and baking (I made a cake on top of all those pies), and I feel like doing more, but I know if I do it'll all go bad before it gets eaten. Mrr.

I want to go shopping. That's what I want to do. But I don't have any money. And I'm not really enthusiastic about shopping by myself. Stupid, huh? I always like to shop with someone, and none of my friends live around here anymore. -.-;

Now I'm depressed again.

Manic swings are like... they're good for productivity, that's what they are. I'd be working on ponies if I was at home, but I'm not, so... jeez. Besides which, I'm not supposed to be having manic swings or depressive swings because the carbamezapine is supposed to be keeping me level. But then it's been a while, I've probably developed a tolerance to it. AGAIN.

At least I have an appointment in March to see the doctor. I can talk with her about everything that's been going on and see if she can think of anything to do; preferrably something that involves more than just increasing my meds and sending me on my merry way, which is what every psychiatrist that I've seen so far has done. ><;

Yeah.

Now I'm off to see if I can get Mom to go for a walk to the bookstore with me or something.

Current Mood: all over the damn place

For some reason I've been feeling really depressed today. I was doing really well recently, at least in comparison, but then the last couple of weeks off-and-on I've been having a lot of problems... I've just been feeling really bad, and crying over nothing and stuff, and I've been so rediculously tired... -___-;

And as usual, you can't tell by my journal because I always fake being perky and happy. I mean, not all of it is faked, I do have happy times... like last night. But they always fade, and I end up depressed again, and then what? I just sit around and wish I could pack up and move somewhere far away and start my life over completely. But I can't, and that just makes me more depressed, and shit. Shit!

Maybe I should talk to the doctor about adjusting my antidepressants again...

Current Mood: depressed

I've got a really bad cold right now. -_-;; I'm pretty sure I got it from Mom, since she's been sick with it off and on for about two months now. Thanks Mom. >>;

I'm taking cough syrup to try to keep it out of my lungs, but it's slowly creeping in there anyway, the bastard. I've got a barking cough and my lungs are starting to get congested. That part aside, I also have a chronic headache and my sinuses are rebelling against me.

It's been winter-y (with snow and everything) here for like 3 seconds and I've already managed to get sick. I frickin hate the winter. >_<;;

Anyway, other than that...

I've been struggling against insomnia (again) the last few days, but at least I've been productive while I couldn't sleep; I think I'm in a manic swing right now. I haven't had one in a while... I hope I'm not building an immunity to the meds again. =__=;;

But anyhoo, I've finished three ponies for AN in the last couple of days (as well as one really late Christmas!gift!pony for

khriskin), and I'm rather proud of them. The beginning of a set of Fruits Basket ponies; Tohru, Ayame and Kagura. Their symbols are 3-D of their animal forms, and Tohru's in a smiling onigiri. XD

Now I'm taking a break from Furuba ponies for a while (the next Furuba pony I work on is going to be Kisa and/or Momiji) but for now I'm going back to Ouran ponies for a bit. <3

I've got photos of Tohru, Ayame and Kagura that I'm going to share, of course. Probably later today~

LMFAO, right now the Spice Girls movie is playing on CityTV, and I'm having these crazy flashbacks to grade eight and the talent show when my friends and I did a dance/lip synch thing to Spice World. I was Sporty Spice. And it was rediculous fun, no matter how dorky it seems to look back on it now. ~~Shut up, Spice Girls were cool back then! XD;;~~

EDIT: Ugh, this cough syrup is making me sleepy. -.-; ~~Maybe I should take come cold pills too, ne Kao-mun~? XD~~

Current Mood: dorky

1) Screw you, Grey's Anatomy. This episode is kicking my ass in a serious way... mostly because they're doing surgery on George's father to remove cancer, and found out it had spread all over the damn place. It reminds me of Grandpa, and now my throat hurts and I'm going to cry.

2) Lately I've been thinking about my life... or my lack-of-life. It's going nowhere. I have nothing, really. And if I'm perfectly honest with myself, I'm not really very happy. I like to pretend, to put on a cheerful face so that no one worries about me, and sometimes I can even trick myself into thinking that I'm not doing all that badly, but I really am.

It's hard to explain, and I can't really wrap my head around it properly to find the words. I guess the bottom line is that I'm still depressed, despite all the medications the doctor has me on, and I've still got so many other health problems that aren't even close to being resolved... fuck. It's stupid, and frustrating, and I just want to go to sleep and wake up as a completely different person.

Anyone want to trade me immune systems? Brains? Free bi-polar disorder to anyone who wants it! Or you know, I could use a million dollars. For school, and traveling, and living somewhere that isn't almost literally fucking killing me with bird feathers in the bloody floor. So if someone has an extra million just kicking around, they could send it in my direction.

Yeah...

Sorry. Just me feeling sorry for myself, I guess. Ignore me. =__=;;

Current Mood: depressed

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Sena

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Sena's DW :: Watermelon Life

Stealthy and sinister on the inside.

Entries tagged with bi-polar

Organized Chaos

I Wanna Stay In Love With My Sorrow

What's In A Dream

About The Wangst

Manic Blogging

East Of Anywhere

Unfair, I Tell You

Manic Again

Down Times

Just Hack, With No . Or //SIGN

1 Depressing Thing, 2 Depressing Things