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From my email inbox, curtesy of Nancy, who sends me lots of random jokes and stuff. Anyway, this one made me snicker:
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of A Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-- a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is-- a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You fuckers are my kind of people."
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of A Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-- a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is-- a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You fuckers are my kind of people."
HA HA HAHAHA
Mar. 30th, 2006 09:10 pm. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
· A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
· On the other hand you have different fingers.
· Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
· I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
· When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
· Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
· Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
· I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
· He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
· You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
· I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
· Honk if you love peace and quiet.
· Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
· Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
· It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
· The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
· It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
· You can't have everything....where would you put it?
· Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
· The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
· A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
· It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
· I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
· I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
· Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
· A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
· On the other hand you have different fingers.
· Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
· I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
· When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
· Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
· Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
· I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
· He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
· You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
· I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
· Honk if you love peace and quiet.
· Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
· Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
· It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
· The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
· It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
· You can't have everything....where would you put it?
· Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
· The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
· A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
· It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
· I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
· I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Inbox Humor: First Grade Proverbs
Sep. 26th, 2005 07:44 amA first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses.......................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the........................................ bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ........................ looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................. impossible.
8 A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ...................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is............................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who......................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's ........................ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........ you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ..................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ...... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one...
25. Better late than .................................. pregnant.
I was particularly amused by #17 and #20. :)
1. Don't change horses.......................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the........................................ bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ........................ looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................. impossible.
8 A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ...................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is............................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who......................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's ........................ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........ you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ..................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ...... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one...
25. Better late than .................................. pregnant.
I was particularly amused by #17 and #20. :)
An Important Question
Jun. 15th, 2005 09:35 amThis test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . . . somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
( So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: )
Just one I found amusing. ^^ Not meant to offend anyone.
Got it in my inbox...
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . . . somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
( So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: )
Just one I found amusing. ^^ Not meant to offend anyone.
Got it in my inbox...
Little Moments
May. 11th, 2005 11:33 pmA meme that I found amusing, and therefore stole from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elsewherecw. >^-^<
What's the most embarassing question your parents (Mom or Dad or both) ever asked you? Or, what're the most embarrassing things your parents have done to you?
And like her, I have my LJ set to accept annonymous comments, so if you want to post annonymously, feel free. ^^
Sena's embarassing moment took place when she was in grade ten; she went out walking downtown with her Mom, and randomly out of the blue, her Mom told her "you know, if you're gay that's okay with me!" To which Sena sputtered and went O_o because she was so surprised by the randomness of the announcement. (Actually, I'm bisexual, so the comment itself didn't bother me. ^_^)
Yup. That's my Mom.
elsewherecw. >^-^<What's the most embarassing question your parents (Mom or Dad or both) ever asked you? Or, what're the most embarrassing things your parents have done to you?
And like her, I have my LJ set to accept annonymous comments, so if you want to post annonymously, feel free. ^^
Sena's embarassing moment took place when she was in grade ten; she went out walking downtown with her Mom, and randomly out of the blue, her Mom told her "you know, if you're gay that's okay with me!" To which Sena sputtered and went O_o because she was so surprised by the randomness of the announcement. (Actually, I'm bisexual, so the comment itself didn't bother me. ^_^)
Yup. That's my Mom.
Stress Test
Mar. 26th, 2005 10:31 pmI'm not sure exactly how this works, but the following is apparently amazingly accurate.
The attached photo shows two almost identical dolphins.
The photo was used in a study on stress at St. Mary's Hospital.
After your read this look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.
The dolphins should appear identical; however, the closely monitored scientific study found that people under stress will find differences in the two dolphins.
The more differences you see, the greater amount of stress you are probably experiencing.
Look carefully at the photograph.
If you find more than one or two minor differences between the two dolphins it may be time to consider taking a vacation.
( Dolphins. )
Man, so I need a vacation... =_=;;
The attached photo shows two almost identical dolphins.
The photo was used in a study on stress at St. Mary's Hospital.
After your read this look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.
The dolphins should appear identical; however, the closely monitored scientific study found that people under stress will find differences in the two dolphins.
The more differences you see, the greater amount of stress you are probably experiencing.
Look carefully at the photograph.
If you find more than one or two minor differences between the two dolphins it may be time to consider taking a vacation.
( Dolphins. )
Man, so I need a vacation... =_=;;
I got this in my inbox, and it made me giggle. Actually giggle. And very few things make me actually giggle nowadays, so I thought I'd share it with everyone.
( Your Friend )
So it's a chain letter. Meh. Whatever. It's still cute.
...and true. =3
EDIT: Speaking of things that make me giggle... Inuyasha fans who can't take a joke might not want to clicky here. Sometimes I'm amused by the most inane things...
EDIT #2: I'm on the lookout for things that make me snigger today... haven't had a very good week (since I've been so sick :p), and laughing (in moderation) helps to make me feel better. ^^; If I laughed too hard I'd probably make myself puke...
( Your Friend )
So it's a chain letter. Meh. Whatever. It's still cute.
...and true. =3
EDIT: Speaking of things that make me giggle... Inuyasha fans who can't take a joke might not want to clicky here. Sometimes I'm amused by the most inane things...
EDIT #2: I'm on the lookout for things that make me snigger today... haven't had a very good week (since I've been so sick :p), and laughing (in moderation) helps to make me feel better. ^^; If I laughed too hard I'd probably make myself puke...
A Letter To Pets
Feb. 6th, 2005 10:14 amGot this in my inbox from C.A., and thought I'd share since I found it amusing:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Run Forest Run
Feb. 3rd, 2005 02:29 pmThe day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I, AM HIS OWN.'"
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I, AM HIS OWN.'"
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."
Canada Strikes Back
Jan. 21st, 2005 06:37 pmGot this in my email. Yes, I'm a Canadian, and yes, it made me giggle. A lot.
( *SNIGGER* )
Beware! XD
( *SNIGGER* )
Beware! XD
Repression Is My Friend
Nov. 17th, 2004 06:08 amIn an attempt to distract myself from my depression, my exhaustion, and my overal HATE for my job and manager/boss, I shall now tell a joke, which a friend of my Mom's told us yesterday. I laughed so hard I almost snorted my milk.
Rated PG. >^-^;;;
*ahem*
A woman is out garage-sale hopping one Saturday morning, and at one of the sales she finds a lovely mirror, with an ornately carved frame. It's absolutely gorgeous, and she completely falls in love with it.
"That's a magic mirror." The woman selling it tell her when she sees her looking at it. "If you wish on it, your wish will come true."
Yeah right. She thinks, laughing, but because it really is a beautiful piece, and she does like it, she decides to buy it anyway. When she takes it home, she hangs it on the back of the bathroom door.
When she's going to bed that night, she decides she's going to try it out, and goes to the bathroom to look into the mirror. She can't help but remember what the woman she bought it from said about it. Then, giggling a bit, she thinks why not? and says "mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts a 44."
And BAM!
Her breats grow huge!
Excited, she runs into the bedroom to show her husband; "look, look! I just looked into the mirror, and said 'mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts a 44', and it worked!"
"Yeah right." Her husband snorts, and walks into the bathroom to see for himself.
Standing in front of the mirror, he says "mirror, mirror on the door, make my pecker hit the floor."
And BAM!
His legs fall off.
....
XD
Rated PG. >^-^;;;
*ahem*
A woman is out garage-sale hopping one Saturday morning, and at one of the sales she finds a lovely mirror, with an ornately carved frame. It's absolutely gorgeous, and she completely falls in love with it.
"That's a magic mirror." The woman selling it tell her when she sees her looking at it. "If you wish on it, your wish will come true."
Yeah right. She thinks, laughing, but because it really is a beautiful piece, and she does like it, she decides to buy it anyway. When she takes it home, she hangs it on the back of the bathroom door.
When she's going to bed that night, she decides she's going to try it out, and goes to the bathroom to look into the mirror. She can't help but remember what the woman she bought it from said about it. Then, giggling a bit, she thinks why not? and says "mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts a 44."
And BAM!
Her breats grow huge!
Excited, she runs into the bedroom to show her husband; "look, look! I just looked into the mirror, and said 'mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts a 44', and it worked!"
"Yeah right." Her husband snorts, and walks into the bathroom to see for himself.
Standing in front of the mirror, he says "mirror, mirror on the door, make my pecker hit the floor."
And BAM!
His legs fall off.
....
XD
Work was actually a ton of fun last night; it was a Friday night, so normally it would have SUCKED ASS, since we're always super busy on Fridays. But Jackie actually gave us more people, like we've been asking for! So it was Mel, Dianne, Sarah and I. ^^ Sarah is new, so she and Mel were in the back baking so that she could learn, and Dianne and I were out front.
Anyway, we joked around and laughed and cranked the music up really loud (when there was no customers in the store), and the people who came in seemed to appreciate that we were enjoying ourselves. >^-^<
So around 3:30 a.m., these three guys came in, and they were TOTALLY TRASHED. Like, so drunk they could barely put two sentences together. One of them tripped over the curb on the way out. It was comical in a disturbing kind of way...
But Mel was like "are they driving? If they get into a car, I'm going to call the cops. I do not want them on the road like that..." and we all completely agreed. Supposedly, they had another person with them who was driving, but what the hell do we know? There was a good chance that they were lying. Or too drunk to even know what they were saying...
So we decided to go look and see if any of them got into the driver's seat. The problem being that they were parked in the lot at Boston Pizza, which is across the intersection from us. ^_^;;
So!
Mel: Someone go look out the drive thru window and see if any of them are going to try driving.
Dianne: I can't see from here, they're way over at the other side of the parking lot...
Mel: Damn...
Sena: Well... I can go outside and pretend to check the garbages and look. ^^
Sarah: That's a good idea!
Mel: Oooh... undercover. =P
Sena: Look! I'll even take garbage bags with me! XD
Mel: *SNIGGERS and starts singing "Secret Agent Man" as loud as she can*
Sena: *skips out the door, waving the garbage bags behind her*
Sarah: *blinks*
Dianne: That's real stealthy, Sena... ^^;;;
Mel: Make way for 007! XD
So I went out and checked the garbages, and they hadn't gotten into their car. Instead they were sitting outside Boston Pizza, doing who-knows-what, but I was still too far away to see what was actually going on. I wandered over to the drive thru window to relay this to Dianne and Mel:
Sena: I don't think I can get much closer without them catching on to me. ^_^;;
Dianne: *bursts into hysterical laughter*
Mel: If they see you, just make like you're a tree!
Sena: Oh yeah right... *strikes a tree pose* I'm a tree, don't mind me!
Dianne: *giggling so hard she's crying*
Mel: Hey, they're so drunk they might believe you...
Sena: *sniggers*
It was soooo funny... ^_^;; But you probably had to be there...
It's amazing how you can forget how crappy you feel for a while if you're having fun. ^^
Anyway, we joked around and laughed and cranked the music up really loud (when there was no customers in the store), and the people who came in seemed to appreciate that we were enjoying ourselves. >^-^<
So around 3:30 a.m., these three guys came in, and they were TOTALLY TRASHED. Like, so drunk they could barely put two sentences together. One of them tripped over the curb on the way out. It was comical in a disturbing kind of way...
But Mel was like "are they driving? If they get into a car, I'm going to call the cops. I do not want them on the road like that..." and we all completely agreed. Supposedly, they had another person with them who was driving, but what the hell do we know? There was a good chance that they were lying. Or too drunk to even know what they were saying...
So we decided to go look and see if any of them got into the driver's seat. The problem being that they were parked in the lot at Boston Pizza, which is across the intersection from us. ^_^;;
So!
Mel: Someone go look out the drive thru window and see if any of them are going to try driving.
Dianne: I can't see from here, they're way over at the other side of the parking lot...
Mel: Damn...
Sena: Well... I can go outside and pretend to check the garbages and look. ^^
Sarah: That's a good idea!
Mel: Oooh... undercover. =P
Sena: Look! I'll even take garbage bags with me! XD
Mel: *SNIGGERS and starts singing "Secret Agent Man" as loud as she can*
Sena: *skips out the door, waving the garbage bags behind her*
Sarah: *blinks*
Dianne: That's real stealthy, Sena... ^^;;;
Mel: Make way for 007! XD
So I went out and checked the garbages, and they hadn't gotten into their car. Instead they were sitting outside Boston Pizza, doing who-knows-what, but I was still too far away to see what was actually going on. I wandered over to the drive thru window to relay this to Dianne and Mel:
Sena: I don't think I can get much closer without them catching on to me. ^_^;;
Dianne: *bursts into hysterical laughter*
Mel: If they see you, just make like you're a tree!
Sena: Oh yeah right... *strikes a tree pose* I'm a tree, don't mind me!
Dianne: *giggling so hard she's crying*
Mel: Hey, they're so drunk they might believe you...
Sena: *sniggers*
It was soooo funny... ^_^;; But you probably had to be there...
It's amazing how you can forget how crappy you feel for a while if you're having fun. ^^
*excited SQUEEING here*
May. 23rd, 2004 09:28 amOh my God.
I am getting so much joy from WeiB Kreuz.
So. Damn. Much.
*very very happy Sena*
Omi amuses me.
Oh, and here's a {blonde} joke that Mom got in her inbox, printed, and then left sitting out on the table. I thought it was funny as hell, so I'm sharing it:
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, Officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and suddenly says; "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
*gigglesnort*
Heh heh...
And of course! ( Another scene with Future-Hikaru. )
Maa. Gomen ne, Hikaru! ;__;
Ne, Cassandra-san... about right in regards to Kairu? I'm hoping not to butcher her personality all that much, but I'm iffy on how she'd be, exactly, given the war and everything that'd happened...
Yeah.
Anyway... this one takes place a while after the last one, during Hikaru's next visit to the Palace, which is about... three years later, give or take?
She, ah... doesn't go there often.
Hikaru: .....
Um. Yup.
( Hope, Mystery and a Mirror of the stars. )
And... maa. Cassandra-san has to go back to school.
Yuki: No more fun chats at night?
No so much anymore, Yuki-chan.
Yuki: Mou. ;__;
I agree.
Sigh.
Guess it can't be helped...
Now I have to go do the damn dishes. Well, crap.
I am getting so much joy from WeiB Kreuz.
So. Damn. Much.
*very very happy Sena*
Omi amuses me.
Oh, and here's a {blonde} joke that Mom got in her inbox, printed, and then left sitting out on the table. I thought it was funny as hell, so I'm sharing it:
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, Officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and suddenly says; "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
*gigglesnort*
Heh heh...
And of course! ( Another scene with Future-Hikaru. )
Maa. Gomen ne, Hikaru! ;__;
Ne, Cassandra-san... about right in regards to Kairu? I'm hoping not to butcher her personality all that much, but I'm iffy on how she'd be, exactly, given the war and everything that'd happened...
Yeah.
Anyway... this one takes place a while after the last one, during Hikaru's next visit to the Palace, which is about... three years later, give or take?
She, ah... doesn't go there often.
Hikaru: .....
Um. Yup.
( Hope, Mystery and a Mirror of the stars. )
And... maa. Cassandra-san has to go back to school.
Yuki: No more fun chats at night?
No so much anymore, Yuki-chan.
Yuki: Mou. ;__;
I agree.
Sigh.
Guess it can't be helped...
Now I have to go do the damn dishes. Well, crap.
