(My) Suicide Squad

Apparently psychologists say that suicide attempts are about control; a person feels like their life or something in their life is out of their control and the suicide attempt is them trying to take that control back. I think it’s utter bullshit that they lump everyone in together like that because my suicide attempts weren’t about control at all. They were about grief and despair, and maybe a cry for help (that I never really got), but not about control. I just wanted everything to end. I still do. It’s a struggle every single day not to try again, and I don’t think anyone realizes that, not even Mom. But I’m tired of the pain and the anguish and the suffering and if I wasn’t such a chicken shit I would have just done it by now and gotten it over with– I’m just so scared of the DARKNESS, of the NOTHING, that it keeps me in line.

It’s ironic because logically speaking, darkness and nothing should be COMFORTING, at this point…