Not Just Dicking Around
Jun. 22nd, 2024 11:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
senashentaBack in February, in their card, Poe basically accused me of dicking around instead of doing any actual, real writing. "Sabotaging [my]self", is how they put it, because they found it infinitely frustrating to watch me work and never get anywhere (because my brain was a bag of cats.)
When I write, my mind is constantly working on other things besides what I'm currently writing as well. It's constantly spitting out new ideas and new characters because I can't turn my creativity off. Even the ADHD meds don't stop that, they just help me continue to focus THROUGH it, and file all the new ideas away for later reference.
I also don't write in a linear manner a lot of the time, jumping around the story/fic/etc. and writing scenes here-and-there and then connecting them all later, which I know can be confusing from an outside perspective, but it's how I've always written, and apparently I'm not the only one in the world who writes that way (apparently Margaret Lawrence wrote that way, too.) Some projects I do write linear, from start to finish, but others I jump around on and it just seems kind of arbitrary which ones get which treatment.
But I CAN be productive. I used to write a one-shot a week AND work on a bunch of chaptered fics at the same time, back in my Valdemar hayday.
And I'm getting back to that, now that I'm on the Vyvanse. I still spout out new ideas and characters while I'm writing, but for the most part they get tucked away for later, and I still write some things in random scenes and connect them later, but that's just HOW I WRITE sometimes.
Ten days ago, I started writing an SPN fic (my first SPN fic, somehow, even though I've been a huge SPN fan since literally Day One when the first episode aired) and this one turned out to be one I'm writing in scenes here-and-there and will connect them all later. It's kind of hard to keep track of how long your story/fic is when you're writing this way, though, so yesterday I checked in Word and it was up to TWENTY EIGHT PAGES.
I know twenty eight pages in ten days may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me it's a FUCKTON because it's been YEARS since I've been able to concentrate enough to write ANYTHING longer than A PAGE OR TWO. It was like being smacked in the face because I had no idea I had been being so productive.
But here's the thing: since Poe's telling me that I just dick around, that's all I see. I was working on this fic and literally thought I was just dicking around and not getting anywhere with it. I wasn't seeing the progress because it's been imprinted in my mind that I can't do it.
I need...
I need to get back into the writing community and start getting feedback on my writing again. My fics, at least, if not my original stuff. I'm very protective of my original stuff, I wouldn't want it out there on the web for just anyone to read/steal. Maybe if I start getting some positive feedback it'll help my self-esteem when it comes to my writing, build me up again.
Because I miss the Valdemar days, or the Hijack days, when I used to get tons of feedback about my work. It kept me grounded, kept my head on straight, at least in that regard. Maybe if I get out there again I can work past this "dicking around" mental block that I have. That would be nice, yeah.
When I write, my mind is constantly working on other things besides what I'm currently writing as well. It's constantly spitting out new ideas and new characters because I can't turn my creativity off. Even the ADHD meds don't stop that, they just help me continue to focus THROUGH it, and file all the new ideas away for later reference.
I also don't write in a linear manner a lot of the time, jumping around the story/fic/etc. and writing scenes here-and-there and then connecting them all later, which I know can be confusing from an outside perspective, but it's how I've always written, and apparently I'm not the only one in the world who writes that way (apparently Margaret Lawrence wrote that way, too.) Some projects I do write linear, from start to finish, but others I jump around on and it just seems kind of arbitrary which ones get which treatment.
But I CAN be productive. I used to write a one-shot a week AND work on a bunch of chaptered fics at the same time, back in my Valdemar hayday.
And I'm getting back to that, now that I'm on the Vyvanse. I still spout out new ideas and characters while I'm writing, but for the most part they get tucked away for later, and I still write some things in random scenes and connect them later, but that's just HOW I WRITE sometimes.
Ten days ago, I started writing an SPN fic (my first SPN fic, somehow, even though I've been a huge SPN fan since literally Day One when the first episode aired) and this one turned out to be one I'm writing in scenes here-and-there and will connect them all later. It's kind of hard to keep track of how long your story/fic is when you're writing this way, though, so yesterday I checked in Word and it was up to TWENTY EIGHT PAGES.
I know twenty eight pages in ten days may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me it's a FUCKTON because it's been YEARS since I've been able to concentrate enough to write ANYTHING longer than A PAGE OR TWO. It was like being smacked in the face because I had no idea I had been being so productive.
But here's the thing: since Poe's telling me that I just dick around, that's all I see. I was working on this fic and literally thought I was just dicking around and not getting anywhere with it. I wasn't seeing the progress because it's been imprinted in my mind that I can't do it.
I need...
I need to get back into the writing community and start getting feedback on my writing again. My fics, at least, if not my original stuff. I'm very protective of my original stuff, I wouldn't want it out there on the web for just anyone to read/steal. Maybe if I start getting some positive feedback it'll help my self-esteem when it comes to my writing, build me up again.
Because I miss the Valdemar days, or the Hijack days, when I used to get tons of feedback about my work. It kept me grounded, kept my head on straight, at least in that regard. Maybe if I get out there again I can work past this "dicking around" mental block that I have. That would be nice, yeah.
