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On Friendship
May. 17th, 2025 10:43 amI think I've come to the conclusion that I'm not meant to have close, long-term friends, and I'm... mostly okay with that. All through my life, right since I was a little kid, every time I get close to someone, have a "best friend" (or friendS, plural), something happens and that friendship blows up in my face. The most recent examples are Muse and C.A. and Poe, but it's happened time and again.
I seem to do okay with casual friends. People that I'm friendly with but wouldn't necessarily call "best friends", like Anie and Nerd. We get along but we can go long periods of time without talking, too, and that seems to be the key... people can't deal with me on a day-to-day basis. I'm too much. Or not enough, maybe. Either way, when I let myself get close to someone I end up being judged and found wanting in one manner or another.
And the idea of spending the rest of my life alone is a terrible one. I hate it. Especially after the OVER TWENTY YEARS of friendship I had with C.A. (and the OC), I know what it's like to have a long-term, stable friendship (that I really thought would last, considering) and I crave that, I crave the companionship and friendship, but... I guess it's just not for me.
So, I'll grow old alone, and probably end up bitter about it eventually, but for now I've just come to terms with it. No friends for Sena. At least with no friends I can avoid the inevitable heartache that follows, right?
I seem to do okay with casual friends. People that I'm friendly with but wouldn't necessarily call "best friends", like Anie and Nerd. We get along but we can go long periods of time without talking, too, and that seems to be the key... people can't deal with me on a day-to-day basis. I'm too much. Or not enough, maybe. Either way, when I let myself get close to someone I end up being judged and found wanting in one manner or another.
And the idea of spending the rest of my life alone is a terrible one. I hate it. Especially after the OVER TWENTY YEARS of friendship I had with C.A. (and the OC), I know what it's like to have a long-term, stable friendship (that I really thought would last, considering) and I crave that, I crave the companionship and friendship, but... I guess it's just not for me.
So, I'll grow old alone, and probably end up bitter about it eventually, but for now I've just come to terms with it. No friends for Sena. At least with no friends I can avoid the inevitable heartache that follows, right?
