Retrospectively

It's been some weeks since I last messaged Poe, about their werewolf plush, only to have them (surprise, surprise) not reply. At that point I finally kind of washed my hands of them, because I've tried for so long to be there for them and be the friend they need, only for them to mule-kick me in the teeth every time. I couldn't keep doing that to myself, it was too emotionally exhausting. I'd already tried to kill myself twice over it.

Anyway.

Like I said, it's been some weeks since my last message to Poe, and the last month I've been too sick to have much of a presence online, so I haven't been checking their FB either until today. Today I felt up to it so I checked just to make sure they were still alive (because I DO still worry about that) and when I saw they were the same as always I just went on my way.

It's sad, but at the same time I feel freer. I'll continue to miss them and wish them well, because we WERE such good friends for a while, but at the same time I'm not thanking God for that Geraskier Secret Santa anymore, I kind of wish it had never matched us up to begin with. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and mental health issues.

I DO kind of wish the two of us could sit down and have a normal, logical conversation and talk everything out because with Poe ghosting me (again), it really leaves me hanging. I'd like to know where they stand and why, what I did wrong. Then again, maybe I'm just better off not knowing.

In any case, I said I wouldn't post about them as much anymore and I think this counts. I'm doing better, but I'm starting to see it as "surviving Poe" more than anything else, which is a sad state of affairs. They have a new book of poetry out right now that I might buy if/when I have the money. I do still want to support them, even after everything, which is another sad state of affairs.

Maybe some day I'll be able to let go entirely, but for now I guess this is good.

This is good.