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Counting My Losses
Jan. 25th, 2025 09:06 amI have a headache, and my brain hurts, even though I know that's impossible because your brain doesn't have pain receptors. Technically, it CAN'T hurt. But right now mine DOES and when it does this there's nothing I can do about it, painkillers don't do anything, because it's a phantom pain, like a phantom itch or phantom limb syndrome. It's one of my unique set of ADHD symptoms, and when I first went on the meds it went away, but now that the dosage is off it's come back. I just have a constant, throbbing brainache. (I'm coining that as a word, btw.)
Yesterday was my day to cook so I made chili, which I normally love, but nowadays I have to make it bland enough that Mom and Lee can eat it, so basically with no spice at all, so it barely even tastes like chili. I miss being able to cook for MY tastes and MY likes and dislikes. I miss having my own place with privacy where the TV isn't always on shitty NCIS or W Network 24/7, where people don't grumble about me behind my back (and sometimes to my face) because I've long ago worn out my welcome. Where I'm not terrified of what's going to happen to my belongings in a year because my Aunt and Uncle threw a contract at me at the last second without even discussing it with me first and I can't afford the transport/storage fees for it. I miss feeling safe and secure in my own home.
When I first moved in here, I wasn't CAPABLE of living on my own because Grandma left me in such bad shape. I needed other people around, and so it was good to be living with Mom and Lee, at least for the time being, but it was supposed to be a TEMPORARY situation. Now it's been 7 years and I'm still stuck here because the housing market is out of control (because of the College and University, mostly), and the affordable housing people are obviously in no hurry to get me into a place despite me being on the list for almost a decade. Meanwhile, Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec are threatening to throw out all my stuff AT MY EXPENSE if I don't get it out of there by next spring (2026.)
And it's like... I don't understand why they're being this way. They told me they would store my things, just not in the basement because the basement needs HEAVY construction. They NEVER said to me that there would be a timeline on this. They know my circumstances. They're like "you're on the subsidized housing list you should get a place before then" and it's like TRY TELLING THAT TO THE YEARS I'VE ALREADY BEEN ON THE LIST, YOU ASSHOLES. IT COULD BE ANOTHER TEN YEARS BEFORE I GET A PLACE. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SUBSIDIZED HOUSING WORKS (OR DOESN'T WORK AS THE CASE MAY BE.) And if I don't get a place by next spring they're just going to pitch all of my stuff, my books, my collectibles, my kitchen, my furniture, EVERYTHING, in the dump and then CHARGE ME $100/LOAD TO DO IT.
So, I have to somehow come up with the $1200-$1500 for movers to move it all from Baysville to Orillia, and then $300/month from that point onward for a storage unit because they're being utter DICKS about this. They aren't even USING the shed my belongings are going to be stored in. They built it SPECIFICALLY TO STORE MY STUFF, and then said "cool, we'll have a shed to use for our purposes afterward." Christ, they have TWO garages and TWO sheds on the property already that they can use in the meantime!
I just. I don't get it. We're FAMILY. Family helps each other out, they don't dick each other around like this. If our positions were reversed I would never even IMAGINE doing something like this to them. And I keep thinking "I should tell Grandma about this" because she's the MATRIARCH, she's IN CHARGE, but soon she won't be anymore, they're taking her power of attorney away from her (rightfully so), and she ALREADY thinks Aunt Brenda is up to something "nefarious" so that would just cement the idea even more firmly in her head, even though in this case it's fucking TRUE. And if I was to go behind everyone's back and tell Grandma anyway, she would start yelling about it (GOOD) but then I would get in trouble for putting ideas in her head. So it's just like... the only person who could really help me with this at all has dementia and would probably just make things worse, instead.
Our family...
We used to be close, like REALLY close, ride or die type of thing, but ever since Grandpa died twenty years ago it's been slowly going downhill. Trunks hasn't come to Family Christmas in years, and neither had Darius or Killian. Alex stopped about eight years ago, too. The last two years CLARE hasn't even come. This year at Family Christmas, Aunt Brenda said "and hopefully we won't have to do this again next year!" meaning the whole gathering, because Grandma probably won't be around anymore and without her why bother? And that just... it killed me, because I thought our bonds were stronger than that, but apparently I was wrong. Then again, I should have known that from how she and Uncle Alec are treating me right now, so. Yeah.
I guess I've just gotten to the point in my life when my family is getting older and moving on with theirs, and most people would fall back on their friends when it came down to it, but... I don't really have any. So when my family pulls away it leaves me absolutely bereft, basically. I have no one. I still talk to Sethi and Cassandra-san a bit, but that's about it. It sucks. Ten years ago I had a whole social network, but now...
Yesterday was my day to cook so I made chili, which I normally love, but nowadays I have to make it bland enough that Mom and Lee can eat it, so basically with no spice at all, so it barely even tastes like chili. I miss being able to cook for MY tastes and MY likes and dislikes. I miss having my own place with privacy where the TV isn't always on shitty NCIS or W Network 24/7, where people don't grumble about me behind my back (and sometimes to my face) because I've long ago worn out my welcome. Where I'm not terrified of what's going to happen to my belongings in a year because my Aunt and Uncle threw a contract at me at the last second without even discussing it with me first and I can't afford the transport/storage fees for it. I miss feeling safe and secure in my own home.
When I first moved in here, I wasn't CAPABLE of living on my own because Grandma left me in such bad shape. I needed other people around, and so it was good to be living with Mom and Lee, at least for the time being, but it was supposed to be a TEMPORARY situation. Now it's been 7 years and I'm still stuck here because the housing market is out of control (because of the College and University, mostly), and the affordable housing people are obviously in no hurry to get me into a place despite me being on the list for almost a decade. Meanwhile, Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec are threatening to throw out all my stuff AT MY EXPENSE if I don't get it out of there by next spring (2026.)
And it's like... I don't understand why they're being this way. They told me they would store my things, just not in the basement because the basement needs HEAVY construction. They NEVER said to me that there would be a timeline on this. They know my circumstances. They're like "you're on the subsidized housing list you should get a place before then" and it's like TRY TELLING THAT TO THE YEARS I'VE ALREADY BEEN ON THE LIST, YOU ASSHOLES. IT COULD BE ANOTHER TEN YEARS BEFORE I GET A PLACE. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SUBSIDIZED HOUSING WORKS (OR DOESN'T WORK AS THE CASE MAY BE.) And if I don't get a place by next spring they're just going to pitch all of my stuff, my books, my collectibles, my kitchen, my furniture, EVERYTHING, in the dump and then CHARGE ME $100/LOAD TO DO IT.
So, I have to somehow come up with the $1200-$1500 for movers to move it all from Baysville to Orillia, and then $300/month from that point onward for a storage unit because they're being utter DICKS about this. They aren't even USING the shed my belongings are going to be stored in. They built it SPECIFICALLY TO STORE MY STUFF, and then said "cool, we'll have a shed to use for our purposes afterward." Christ, they have TWO garages and TWO sheds on the property already that they can use in the meantime!
I just. I don't get it. We're FAMILY. Family helps each other out, they don't dick each other around like this. If our positions were reversed I would never even IMAGINE doing something like this to them. And I keep thinking "I should tell Grandma about this" because she's the MATRIARCH, she's IN CHARGE, but soon she won't be anymore, they're taking her power of attorney away from her (rightfully so), and she ALREADY thinks Aunt Brenda is up to something "nefarious" so that would just cement the idea even more firmly in her head, even though in this case it's fucking TRUE. And if I was to go behind everyone's back and tell Grandma anyway, she would start yelling about it (GOOD) but then I would get in trouble for putting ideas in her head. So it's just like... the only person who could really help me with this at all has dementia and would probably just make things worse, instead.
Our family...
We used to be close, like REALLY close, ride or die type of thing, but ever since Grandpa died twenty years ago it's been slowly going downhill. Trunks hasn't come to Family Christmas in years, and neither had Darius or Killian. Alex stopped about eight years ago, too. The last two years CLARE hasn't even come. This year at Family Christmas, Aunt Brenda said "and hopefully we won't have to do this again next year!" meaning the whole gathering, because Grandma probably won't be around anymore and without her why bother? And that just... it killed me, because I thought our bonds were stronger than that, but apparently I was wrong. Then again, I should have known that from how she and Uncle Alec are treating me right now, so. Yeah.
I guess I've just gotten to the point in my life when my family is getting older and moving on with theirs, and most people would fall back on their friends when it came down to it, but... I don't really have any. So when my family pulls away it leaves me absolutely bereft, basically. I have no one. I still talk to Sethi and Cassandra-san a bit, but that's about it. It sucks. Ten years ago I had a whole social network, but now...
