Toxic

I'm missing Poe a lot today. I keep almost crying. It's my fault but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't believe I thought we could stay friends on-and-off like that. I know better. Everything is either black or white with Poe, they never would have gone for it. Still, I guess I had to try. Being friends with them one or two days a month would be better than not being friends with them at all. I just wish they would email me with what they're thinking so I can understand, because all I know is I sent them that email and they cut me off entirely, immediately.

Every time I go on Insta I check to see if they're reinstated their account like they usually do, but so far no such luck. It was my only way of keeping track of them and making sure they were okay, and now everything is just a giant black hole and it sucks. I know it's not my responsibility to keep track of them like that but... I dunno. They... were. My best friend. The best friend I've ever had. That's hard to give up. I think right now is particularly hard because it's Birthmas time and I will always, ALWAYS, associate that with them. It makes Christmas hard, too, since Birthmas kind of encompasses it.

At least every couple of days I wonder if I did the right thing, emailing Poe in the spring and making contact with them again after they ghosted me this time last year. Maybe it would have been easier if I had just left well enough alone? But I needed closure, I had things to say, and I didn't even really expect them to reply but they DID and then we started talking again... and at first it was really good. But then they started vanishing for weeks at a time with no word, and I mentioned TW and they freaked out and said they couldn't talk to me for a while. And a month of no contact later, I sent the email.

My relationship with Poe was so complicated and a lot of people would probably call it toxic, though I'm sure neither of us meant it to be. The two years that we were friends before they ghosted me were the best two years of my life, and I can't thank them enough for that. But I have a lot of trauma attached to our friendship, too, that I can't seem to move past, and now I just feel the need for closure again, the same as I did last year. I don't really know what to do about it, honestly.

On the 12th I'm going to email them a Happy Birthmas, but I don't expect a reply. And when the snugghouls plushies finally arrive I have to email again to see if they'll finally give me their new address to forward their werewolf plush to, but I'm not sure if I'll get a reply to that email either. I think they've just cut me off completely at this point.

I don't know. Maybe that's for the best, anyway...

Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken

Last night Mom and I went out for my birthday dinner. We were one day late, we were supposed to go on Friday but I called it off at the last minute because I was having a Super Exhausted day and I just wasn't up to going out. Friday was actually my birthday, but I'm an adult I can celebrate a day late and not throw a fit, especially when it's my call. Mom and I also go out for a meal together at the end of every month, so this included that as well.

Turns out I'm so fat now that I barely fit in the booths at Swiss Chalet anymore. And there's not much I can do about it except RADICALLY change my diet. I can't do the exercise they recommend because my joints are so bad. I have to walk with a cane again. I haven't had to walk with a cane in 14 years. And the diet is a problem because I'm living with and sharing meals with other people who just WON'T change THEIR diets (especially Lee) though admittedly, I do snack a lot because the NAFLD has changed my metabolism so it's somehow slower (making me gain weight like WHOA) AND faster (making me hungry ALL THE TIME.) I need to learn to ignore the hunger pangs and just suffer, I guess. I do want to talk to Dr. K about a new drug for weight loss that they've started advertising on TV (zepbound), though. I can use all the help I can get.

It turns out that milk and milk products are recommended for NAFLD diets. I've been trying to find an alternative "milk" (preferably soy since soy is also good for NAFLD) the last few months because I was under the impression that the fats in milk were bad bad bad but turns out nope! So the question is, which is better: actual milk or the soy in soymilk? I wish I had a NAFLD expert to talk to about all this, I'm just kind of flying by the seat of my pants, here. But I might just switch back to regular milk because it's cheaper and I'm on a budget.

Speaking of being on a budget, my fucking printer died yesterday, like it won't even TURN ON, and I had to order a new one so there's $126 out the window. But a printer is essential for me and my writing so I didn't have much of a choice. Still sucks, though. I think I had that printer for two years? What's the average lifespan of printers these days? Also I have to take it to the electronics part of the dump which will probably cost me a fee, which also sucks, but at least I can get rid of the shitty leaking aquarium filter and broken aquarium light at the same time.

I think Christmas is on it's way out around here, probably tonight or tomorrow. Lee brought all the boxes for everything up and stacked them in the dining room so I assume that's our cue to take it all down. It's too bad. I like Christmas decorations, they make me happy. But I understand that while I would happily leave them up all year 'round, most people definitely wouldn't. Especially Mom. She's always super relieved to get the house looking "normal" again every year.

Today an Amazon parcel arrived with the Joker: Foile a Deux DVD, season 4 of Fear The Walking Dead on DVD and (theoretically) a collage photo frame that I am ABSOLUTELY making into an homage to Supernatural with some of the better postcards from my SPN postcards set. But it needs to be put together with screws and dowels and I'm like ahhhhhh... not right now. Not while the cats are both on my bed taking up the space I would be using to do this project. But also it looks really complicated and I think I might need help. :< Anyway, I didn't have to pay for the photo frame because they delivered it to the wrong address in the co-op and I called their help line like "where is my photo frame??" and they refunded my money. Then the person whose unit they delivered it to showed up with it and I was like. Oops. :x (But I'm not going to call them back and get them to re-charge me for it.) :D;;

Mom took me to Michaels the other day and I used one of my Christmas gift cards to buy some shirts and also some paint that I needed. But when I got home and opened the paint it's utter SHIT, which is my own fault for buying the cheapest on the shelf, so I have to go back and buy the same basic colors but in a better brand. Mom says she'll take me next week some time.

Last night on our way to dinner, Mom and I found a post box and I finally got my January postcards mailed. Honestly, I... I don't even really want to be DOING postcards anymore, it started off fun as something I did for Poe, but now it just reminds me of them and feels like a burden. Every month I procrastinate over them more and more. I'm considering just ending Sena's Postcard Club entirely. Except then what will I do with all my postcards? And I know the people I send them to really look forward to getting them every month, especially Grandma. So I don't know. I don't know.