Thoughts On Poe (And Other Things)

Today I've got a busy day ahead of me. We have to pack up Mom's car with the last of my stuff for storage at Dad's tomorrow. Thank God Lee is driving in a separate car, or I think I would go insane from the UTTER SILENCE on the way down like would it kill you to have a CONVERSATION? jfc. I didn't want him to come at all, but sadly we have two carloads of stuff and I don't drive so we don't really have a choice.

The thing with my Stepdad is that I LOVE him tons, but I don't LIKE him very much, you know? LOVE and LIKE are two very different things, and if I had to be trapped in a car with him for five hours (round trip) I think I would go insane. He's a good guy, but he's LAZY and he's ABSOLUTELY USELESS and I have no use for him, really. If he died tomorrow, I would be SAD but I wouldn't be HEARTBROKEN. But don't tell anyone I told you that. =/

Anyway, today I also have to wrap Dad and Lois' Christmas gifts for tomorrow and bake a batch of shortbread cookies for them. Luckily, their gifts/cookie tin are all small, so they won't take up TOO much room in the car. I just figure since I already have everything and it's (mostly) ready to go, I might as well drop it off while we're down there and save the fufurah come December. Then Dad just has to worry about mailing my stuff and he doesn't have to drive all the way up here this yeah like he has the last few years. I know that's hard on him, at his age.

Then AT SOME POINT TODAY I have to do a deep clean on Kaida's tank in preparation for the other two axolotls on Tuesday. If I don't do it today it'll have to wait until MONDAY and I've already put it off a couple days, so the tank is getting a little gunky. Then again maybe I SHOULD just wait until Monday, so the tank is as clean as possible for the new arrivals, and just give it a cursory clean today to get it looking a little better? idk idk idk.

Oh, turns out Kaida DID eat some of his worm from the other day, just when I wasn't looking. I still think I might stick with pellets until they're big enough to eat whole worms, though, cutting up live animals just... isn't cool with me. =/

Today I really should write my 1,667 words for the NaNo, too, but I'm like four or five days ahead at this point so if I miss a couple of days, it should be okay. Tomorrow I won't be able to write anything all day because we'll be in Georgetown, but idk maybe tonight I can write at least SOMETHING to go toward my word count? I can TRY at least...

.....

Poe deleted their Insta, so I have no way of keeping track of them at all anymore, especially not if they aren't going to bother replying to my emails anymore. I understand that they're going through something with their Dad, but the way to deal with it isn't to shut everyone else out. But that's how they always deal with the hard things in life, they just... shut down. Delete all their social media. Stop answering messages. They probably still have their Etsy up and running, but I dunno, I could be wrong about that.

I feel like... we had such a great start to our friendship, right, but I think I caught them in an upswing, and I had no idea what it was going to be like dealing with them long-term. And I really AM no good for them, or that's how it seems, anyway, which is why I sent that email kind of... cutting down our friendship. But they seem to have taken it to mean we shouldn't be friends AT ALL, which wasn't my intent, and now they won't listen when I try to explain that.

Or message me back when I ask about their address, so I end up sending an expensive parcel with things in it that can't be replaced to the wrong fucking address. I asked SO MANY TIMES and they just ignored me, and I KNOW, their DAD, but they could at least check their freaking EMAIL I just don't understand it!

I'm fairly sure that Poe is bipolar on top of everything else, with the drastic ups and downs that they make all the time, and I've had a lot of experience with that so I can recognize it when I see it. But I can't TALK to them about it because they're ignoring my FSCKING emails like a child and honestly... it hurts so, so, so much, but I'm pretty sure I AM better off without them, despite what I said in that email. All they do is cause me heartache and make me cry, and I love them more than anything but that's not okay. I don't think they mean to be, because they can be SO giving sometimes, but Poe is also INCREDIBLY selfish at times, and I can't have that in my life, can I?

It's just hard because I love them with all of my wretched heart. I don't know what to do, anymore.