senashenta: (This Is Not Happening)
So like I said a few days ago, C.A.'s going to Japan in September, to teach English there. And I'm happy for her, and excited for her... and jealous beyond belief. So jealous; and the more I think about it, the more jealous I end up.

I feel like a terrible person for it, but I can't seem to help it. C.A.'s like... living my dream, and that aside she's been traveling all over the place the last few years; Brazil, Africa, Japan...

I compare that to my own life and all I can think is "why does she get to do all that, and I'm suck here, sickly, depressed, slightly agoraphobic, broke?" It doesn't seem even, balanced. Why is it that some people have so many chances in life, and some people have so few?

This Japan thing especially upsets me, because I was supposed to go with her.

But when I contacted the program, they told me because I don't have a university degree, I needed my TESL-- and the only college in Ontario that offers that course is Seneca, which is about three hours from here; and I don't drive, and can't afford to rent a place there for the duration of the course. They also don't do it in correspondance.

I was talking with C.A. about it back in December/January area, and was so excited because I thought I'd actually be able to do something I wanted to... and then even that was snatched away.

It's not fucking fair.

And I know, I'm being selfish and juvenile. I know life's not always fair. I don't need a lecture about that, so no one needs to bother.

I'm just really hurting because of this, and needed to get it off my chest... and I'll never say this to C.A. because I don't want her to feel guilty for taking advantage of an awesome opportunity like this.

So it goes in my journal, along with all my other angst, depression, and generalized disappointment in life.

*goes to curl up in bed and cry*

Date: 2007-07-03 01:08 am (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Almost everyone I went to high school with, has grown up, gotten jobs, had kids. They have nice cars, decent wages (even the ones that didn't go to college) and they at least can make bills.

And here I sit. I didn't go to the tenth reunion because I didn't want to feel left out. I was left out. Because I can't sit in a room of peers and function the way they do. I can't handle being in a crowd long enough to hear a lecture. My brain isn't wired that way.

And I'm tired of being the weird one out. I'm tired of feeling left out because my brain doesn't work like theirs does. I'm tired of agonising over whether or not my internet is a 'justifiable' expense or if I'm cheating them and me out of something.

You're not alone in feeling that way Sena. I was going to see the world, visit castles in Europe, see the Lippazzaners preform in Vienna. And the best I can boast is having gone to the Canadian side of the Falls. (And that was almost nine years ago now.)

And I think the big thing for me, is the fear. The fear that this is all there is. This is all there ever will be. And it is horribly unfair.

But there isn't much we can do, except keep trying.

.. And pig out on chocolate. Because damn if I don't need it. *hugs*

missing out

Date: 2007-08-02 04:38 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)
I understand the feeling of missing out on all the things most people are doing. I have chronic health problems which prevent me from living a normal life, such as: working a full-time job, playing with my child sometimes is impossible because of severe migraines, even traveling a short distance. However, I have been able to see the wonderful "World Famous Lippazzaner Stallions". I've seen them three times so far and taken my five year old daughter to see them once. I know we will go see them again in a year or two. I love their show! They travel the USA all the time. Maybe one day soon, they will be in your area.

horselover and migraine debilitated

Date: 2007-07-03 03:31 am (UTC)From: [identity profile]
In high school, one of my few friends and I made a pact that we'd graduate from that hell hole and travel to Japan together after college to teach English together.

Guess what happened. She's in Japan right now; she has been for almost a year. She's not teaching English, no. She's living with some weirdo I can't stand.

I don't like many humans, so when I make a promise with someone to do something, I mean it. I'm happy that she found a way to Japan and is living there with little care of the world. But I'm deeply hurt by the fact that she, one of the few people I let near me, decided to take off without me. Without mentioning anything to me until the morning of the day she left. On the phone. Just a "Hey, I'm going to Japan with *name censored*! Beat you to it!" That was it.

Thanks, I say. It was never a competition. She and I were supposed to go together to better the world with the English language, but instead she went with a creep of a boy without even thinking of me until the very end.

You're not alone. *hugs* Your situation is a bit different, though, isn't it? Hahaha, I just turned your entry into Aiko's Angst Story. xDD *more hugs*

Date: 2007-07-03 11:25 am (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Well, I guess if you are a terrible person I am as well.

I have also wanted to go together with people to places only to find out they never really counted on me to get it done. I can sometimes 'beat them' to it, but they don't seem to see that wasn't the point. The point is to get it done at the same time.

And even then sometimes you think it's not fair that you have to deal with *insert impediment here* and everyone else doesn't. It cuts your wings and eventually that affects everything in your life. I don't want my friends feeling guilty for 'leaving me behind' but in a way they are, because I wouldn't have done the same thing to them.


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